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30 June 2014

Tomorrow is my mom's birthday. I haven't seen her in over 6 months. I can't call her (her phone has incoming calls disabled). She won't respond to email. She doesn't know where I live, but that is intentional for my family's welfare (and my own too...my mom is very sick, and usually unmedicated/ not participating in treatment. I need clear and safe boundaries to prevent her dysfunction from upsetting me and my family's life too much.) The weight of all of that is kind of hitting me right now and it sucks. :(

However, here are two songs that help to encourage me when things are like this:

"Oceans" (Where Feet May Fail)

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"How He Loves Us" (performed by Kim Walker)

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(4 comments)

30 June 2014

Weigh-in: 145.0 lb

lost so far: 27.0 lb

still to go: 15.0 lb

Diet followed N/A

add comment losing 3.5 lb a week

27 June 2014

My body is feeling really blah right now. What I am happy about is that I saw to completion the task and goals I had set for myself. (I spent about 12 hours over the past two days mowing my lawn...It desperately needed to be cut.) Something I don't like about myself is that I don't often finish big projects. It's been a character flaw of mine since forever, but today I persevered and finished the job. To help make maintenance easier and delay needing to cut the grass again so soon I determined to cross cut my yard. I had managed to mow the front semi recently, so it wasn't too tall, but some areas in my backyard could have been hiding small wild cats for all one knew. So I started with the back yard at the tallest deck height on my mower (it's an electric motorized push mower, I love it!) went parallel to the road and covered the whole backyard yesterday. I started cross cutting two steps down on height, but had to stop as it was getting late. Today I mowed the whole lawn walking perpendicular to the road. (Technically there is still a swatch of unmowed grass at the end of the property before our berry bushes, but DH told me not to worry about mowing that part, so I'm not.) I had been planning to go one more step down on height to cross cut just the front, walking parallel to the road this time, and I wasn't sure if I'd be able to follow through since I was already really hot and tired after getting about 80% done with the whole yard on the medium deck height setting, but I kept telling myself that the hard part was over since the grass wasn't savannah height anymore. Victory! I made it. My arms and shoulders may seek vengeance tomorrow, but I imagine I'll sleep well tonight. Huzzah!

(4 comments)

25 June 2014

Wrong direction again. * sigh* I have some ideas on things I need to work on. My eating isn't really that much different recently (at least it doesn't seem significantly changed...though perhaps that is part of the problem.) I think what may help more is to put more effort into getting better sleep and being a little more active.

My lawn desperately needs to be mowed. I keep thinking I'll do it later, but then get distracted- especially if circumstances don't have some illusive/ elusive, magical "feels right" notion to them.

Also, not staying up til midnight would be good. Definitely feeling more tired this morning. (My alarm goes off just before 5am, this isn't new, so it shouldn't be mysterious or surprising that if I want closer to 8 hrs of sleep instead of ~5 then I need to turn in much sooner than I have been. Yet I am having trouble with the body is weak but the spirit still isn't all that willing to change.) My online habit builder/tracker app has been helping me in other areas, so I'll start putting this on there too and see what happens.

Weigh-in: 147.5 lb

lost so far: 24.5 lb

still to go: 17.5 lb

Diet followed poorly

(1 comment) gaining 1.5 lb a week

24 June 2014

Looking back over my official weigh ins I am noticing that my weight has been at or below 150lb for the whole year so far. The last time I weighed more than that was early December 2013, so yay! 2014 marks a new average for me. :)

Despite this, I still feel a little deflated and it's hard for me to accept and appreciate this progress because feelings of frustration and inadequacy in other areas are distracting me. :(

I guess what I am saying is that I recognize that my feelings don't line up with what is true, but I am somewhat reluctant to fight the self deception because I know it's not easy and I realize I feel weak. I guess I'm afraid to see that proven undeniable. There's a dysfunctional comfort in complacency, the illusion that I * could * do better, I just don't feel like trying. Futility is somewhat terrifying---at least for a recovering control freak like me it is.

One of the great things about working as a teacher is that in order to be effective, you MUST understand your material well. I believe Albert Einstein was credited for stating, "If you can't explain something simply, you don't understand it." So it seems appropriate that most of my time as a VBS teacher was spent highlighting the belt of truth and the necessity for holding fast to it. Truth is the first compromise made, the first field of battle in the war between good and evil. Once a person is willing to forsake the truth, they are much more vulnerable to a whole host of other vices because they have abandoned objective reasoning for subjective relativism.

I am beginning to realize that though I am not who I thought I'd become when I was younger, though I don't often like things about me, who I am and what I am meant to do will be more readily resolved and clear when I focus less on my merits and flaws and more on Who made me. I hate feeling clueless and inept, but if that's me in the moment, there's still more to my life than that. For anyone who may be feeling similarly dissatisfied or frustrated (and as a reminder to myself) I leave these words:

"Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. [ Following Paul’s Example ] All of us, then, who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you."

(Philippians 3:13-15 NIV, emphasis mine)

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