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Weight History
showing entries 16 to 20 of 35
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20 May 2008
Dear Vonnie Lee (and you are dear to me. You've kept me around for 30 years. We are great friends, aren't we?)
The salutation sums up why I'm in your life. I've been, you've accepted and I've stayed around. I don't betray you like your real friends or family have done in the past. I'm constant, never changing, never wavering my commitment to be with you. I don't leave. You hated me, then learned to love me, then became afraid of what life would be without me. You used me as a way of protecting from the others who did hurt you. The cushioning I provided gave the illusion that you were strong and resilient, while inside you were anything but. I'm your defense against the darkness and the cruelty. I'm your friend and I protect you from everything, the bad feelings, the hurtful words, the good feelings, the loving attention that you crave, but can't accept. I reinforce the notion that you aren't worthy of the stuff you covet, and I am a reminder that those good things you have aren't ever going to be yours. I'm the thing that makes you live only half, because if you lived fully you would be a furious and powerful light. And that's what you are really afraid of: shining brightly and truly. You reward yourself with things and purchases, believing that will be enough to make you feel worthy, but you know it never is. So I'm tangible and constant. And fighting with me only makes me stay.
With love,
Your Fat (who is also good buddies with Your Cigarettes and between the two of us, we have certainly loved you best out of everyone)
Ok, I decided to just write to see what came out and while this isn't surprising, it is disturbing. I've been deep in the navel gazing lately and this is just a bit of what what's going on, I guess. I also know that when I hit 239 I freaked out. Gaining the weight with my period was a bit of a relief, as screwed up as that sounds.
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19 May 2008
It's that time of the month, again. I gain 2# of water weight and I know that it's coming, but it's always a surprise. "Holy crap! What did I do?" is what I always think, then I remember. By this weekend I'll be back down. I had PMS symptoms earlier this month, no as intense as previous months. I know that exercise has a lot to do with it. I've joined the aquatic center to incorporate additional activity into my week. My daughter is excited. We are talking about water aerobics three times a week, with some treadmill action. I need to buy a swimsuit. And groom.
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19 May 2008
Weigh-in:
240.5 lb
lost so far:
3.5 lb
still to go:
60.5 lb
Diet followed poorly
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gaining 1.5 lb a week
14 May 2008
Dear Fat (specifically My Belly),
Why are you here? Did I invite you? Were you a way of protecting me? Did I believe that I wouldn't get hurt if you were there in front of me? What must I do to let go of you, release you and become the Vonnie I see in my mind? Is it enough to write, walk, stretch, eat and believe? Do I need to have a place for you that's not on my body? Why are you in my life, and how can I let you go?
Love,
Vonnie Lee
(this is an exercise suggested to me by a friend. Hopefully in the next day or so I'll have an answer.)
(1 comment)
12 May 2008
Weigh-in:
239.0 lb
lost so far:
5.0 lb
still to go:
59.0 lb
Diet followed reasonably well
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losing 1.8 lb a week
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