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Weight History
showing entries 46 to 50 of 369
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20 August 2011
it's been a pretty strange summer here ,always 70-80 degrees not much higher...Time to play....I will walk the entire course...
There is no "I" in "teamwork." But there is in "management kiss-up."
Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG 14 times gives you job security.
If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.
I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it.
I said,"Thyroid problem?"
Sign In Chinese Pet Store:"Buy one dog, get one flea..
I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?
I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
Gas is getting so expensive I’m gonna ride a mexican to work
Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.
If you love your job, you haven’t worked a day in your life.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths
The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.
This man knows his co-worker to be a somewhat conservative fellow, so naturally he's curious about the sudden change in fashion sense. The man walks up to his co-worker and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies .
"Well, I'm curious," said the man, "how long have you been wearing an earring?"
"Ehr, ever since my wife found it in our bed."
(1 comment)
16 August 2011
Football is back yay. I feel great too.... time to go out and get my greens..........
I will walk the entire course...
Golf is the most fun you can have without taking your clothes off.
For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction.
Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time
Why is a bra singular and panties plural?
There are no winners in life...only survivors.
Drink coffee! Do stupid things faster with more energy!
I hope I'm the last guy on earth -- I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.
During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and the other half is spent trying to lose weight.
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?
My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him!
Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
I may be fat, but you're ugly - And I can lose weight!
I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people
It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
The squeaky wheel doesn't always get the oil, sometimes it gets replaced.
Sex on tv can't hurt unless you fall off.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the drive before it has stopped snowing.
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
We all can't be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.
People who complain about that's the way the ball bounces usually are the ones who dropped it.
My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself.
Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
(2 comments)
12 August 2011
I'm going to play a round with SIL and his buddies...I think this time I can hold my own ....Game that is...lol
Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch.
The next time you feel like complaining remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.
The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
To steal ideas from oneperson is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Beware of the toes you step on today.
They could be attached to the ass you may have to kiss tomorrow.
You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.
Does time really fly when you're having sex or was it really just one
minute?
You know, they got a luggage store in the airport? A place to buy a piece of luggage? How late do you have to be for a flight where you're like, 'Screw it - just grab a pile of shit. We'll get a bag at the airport'.
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.
Without nipples, breasts would be ...well pointless.
The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who
thinks he's wrong.
America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.
Money talks...but all mine ever says is good-bye.
See, God does have a sense of humor he gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
Isn't it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust.
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
Progress is made by lazy people looking for an easier way to do things.
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end
and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."
If you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary between "shit" and "syphilis"
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?
The Miss Universe pageant is fixed. All the winners are from Earth.
I don't have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.
(6 comments)
11 August 2011
I'm not a big fan of sweets so much...But i'm limiting my carb intake and all I crave is desserts....go figure.....
I'm off to play I will walk the entire course....
10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.
9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.
8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.
7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist's or haircut appointment by himself.
6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.
5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
4. God knew that as the keeper of the garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
3. God knew that Adam would need someone to blame his troubles on when he was caught hiding in the garden.
2. The Bible says, " It is not good for man to be alone."
And finally, the Number 1 reason why God created Eve..........
Drumroll
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1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head and said, "I know I can do a better job than that."
(5 comments)
08 August 2011
I had a good weekend and going to see my baby boy this week...
but for now I'm off to play...I will walk the entire course...
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the accident of evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he walked alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look, just in time to see a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw the bear closing in on him. He tried to run even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.
His heart was pumping frantically as he tried to run even faster, but he tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up and saw the bear right on top of him raising his paw to kill him.
At that instant, he cried out, "Oh my God!"
Just then, time stopped... The bear froze; the forest was silent; even the river stopped moving. A bright light shone upon the man, and a voice came out of the sky, saying, "You deny My existence all of these years; teach others I don't exist; even credit My creation to a cosmic accident, and now do you expect Me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist, ever so proud, looked into the light and said, "It would be rather hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years. But could you make the bear a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice. As the light went out, the river ran, the sounds of the forest continued, and the bear put his paw down. The man breathed a sigh of relief. Then the bear brought both paws together, bowed his head and kneel and said: " My Dear Lord, I thank you for this food, which I am about to receive."AMEN!
(7 comments)
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