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01 May 2016

I've been absent for a while, and very stressed and depressed about work. I gained 15 lbs in the last two months. Enough! It is May 1st, a great day to start caring about myself again and knowing that I can control this part of my life. I need to do something about controlling how I react to the other part of my life as well. I can do that.

Need to start meditating twice a day again, and going to meetings to remind myself how much the healing silence does for me. I need to get up from my desk at work and take a walk around the building out in the sunshine when I discover every muscle in my body is tied into a knot. I need to eat healthy and exercise so I feel better about myself and not depend on meeting the expectations of others to feel worthy.

I'm taking back my life. I must have the Rocky theme song somewhere. Think I'll put that on my phone, and whenever I doubt myself, I'll just punch that button!

10 April 2016

Going in the wrong direction. I'm thinking maybe I should tell the doctor that I am depressed. But her answer will be drugs, the kind that it is hard to get off of, and a major part of me wants to be able to conquer this on my own. What happened to Pollyanna? I used to be so optimistic, annoyingly so to those around me. Now all I think about is how overwhelming work is, how I'll never be able to accomplish anything anyone approves of any more. And when I'm home, all I can think about is that it will soon be time to go back to work.

It is time to turn this around now. Take better care of myself. Do what I can do at work, and think about other things when I'm not there. difficult to do when I'm on call 24/7. But the sun is shining, it is already 71 degrees at 8:30 AM, and today is Sunday. I got out of bed and got dressed so that's a start. I've had down periods before and I can pull myself together and get out again. Starting with admitting I'm not eating healthy - that's something I can control, so a good place to focus.

21 March 2016

13 March 2016

I decided I am going to break up with my dietitian tomorrow. Not her fault, but I am under so much pressure at work that I just can't take any more pressure. She didn't pressure me, just made good suggestions, but I'm a people pleaser and felt like I was letting her and myself down because I just don't have the energy right now to commit to one more thing.

Oddly enough, I gained 4 lbs in the 3 weeks we've been meeting and lost 1 lb yesterday now that the pressure is off. I definitely think it is a mental thing - The whole time I was thinking about meeting with her each week, I was starving all the time, and nothing I ate did the job. Now that I've made the decision, I'm eating more normally, and not indulging so much.

I think part of me just wanted to rebel against one more person telling me what I should be doing. Maybe I will go back after work pressures ease up (if that should ever happen), but today I'm feeling better about myself, getting some exercise in cleaning my office and organizing my bookcases and I had to make myself stop for an afternoon snack so that I won't be too hungry at dinnertime. Go figure! Must be my inner toddler shouting NO, NO, NO!

06 March 2016

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