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18 October 2008

Had to work today which was okay, but not great. About halfway through the day I felt like I could again choke someone for a piece of candy. We have Reese's peanut butter pumpkins sitting right at the checkout counter and I kept having visions of gulping the whole box down. I kept trying to tell myself that I was just having a craving, and that if I just held out long enough it would pass. It didn't pass, so then I told myself to wait until lunch, that eating my healthy lunch would take care of it because I would then be full. Well, eating lunch didn't work either. I finally got a bag of pork rinds, hoping that just having something to munch would make things better. Nope, that didn't really work either. So finally, I just gave in. But not with the pb pumpkins--I bought a bag of sugar-free turtles (which isn't great, but is better than eating the Reese's) and had three pieces and felt satisfied. The sugar-free stuff is a good choice for me 'cause I'm leery of the laxative effect of sugar free candies so I am VERY careful about overindulging. Perhaps giving in to the craving was the wrong thing to do--it is, after all, just a feeling and feelings will not kill me, but I was getting to the point where I couldn't even focus because I thinking so much about eating candy. I hate this craving thing, and just can't believe how much stronger they have become after falling off the wagon for a while. I feel really sorry for alcohol/drug addicts right now. Food is nowhere near as powerful as those addictions and I can't imagine how horrible it must be to try to kick a habit that is stronger than chocolate. Looking forward to a healthy dinnner tonight, and hopefully I will feel strong enough tomorrow to look those cravings in the eye and kick their tails! Priority one tomorrow will be getting a new battery for the scale. I stepped on it the other day and had a happy vision of the future--it registered 130--but knew that the reality is that the old scale needs some new juice. I think being able to weigh again and see how far back I've fallen, and then see how far ahead I'm going will make it easier to fight the beast.

(8 comments)

17 October 2008

Okay, FSers--I may have a problem here. I took a nap today, on this my second day off from work (I got two days in a row off--a rarity and a luxury in retail!), and had a dream about my FS buddies! The last thing I was doing before I took my nap was checking on FS, so of course, it was at the forefront of my mind, plus, I have really been thinking about and reevaluating my course with food, dieting, and exercise, so I'm quite sure that is rattling around in my subconscious. In the dream we are all at a party at ImLuvvd's. There are lots of us there, and the food includes lots of healthy stuff, plus some fried chicken (mmm..soo good--I mean not good!) ImLuvvd is running around with a giant glass of Faygo Red Pop in her hand, and I ask her for a glass, promising to only drink one 'cause I know that Red Pop is a soda to be horded (it's hard to get Faygo around here!), but it looks so good and I REALLY want some. Suddenly, I am confronted by the whole lot of you--VeggiesYuk, CobraFan, Bullytrouble, Mbhpro, Mrs. Johnson, Amryk, Janellas, Evelyn64, BadAndee, Simavision, and a whole bunch of you others whose names are escaping me right now--and ImLuvvd asks me, "Does this soda really fit in with your eating plan right now?" I look around at all of your faces, smile sheepishly, shake my head just a tiny bit and reply, "Well, not really, but with my hurting tooth thing, I've kind of let myself indulge a little." Then I smile sweetly, 'cause I know that y'all will understand. You guys all love me and support me, so you'll back me up and help me out--I mean really, it is a party after all! Unfortunately, y'all really DO love and support me, so as a group you shake your heads and make little frowny faces, and ImLuvvd, who is apparently the spokeswoman for this little dream intervention says, "If it's not in your eating plan, then you don't need it, and I'm not going to give it to you. There's water in the kitchen, and while you're in there could you turn the chicken on and let it fry for about 10 more minutes now that everyone is here." So I marched my happy tail into the kitchen, turned on the chicken, got a glass of water and grumbled about people who need to stay out of other people's business.

Let me say that while I may have felt grumpy in the dream, when I woke up I was laughing like all get out--I have NEVER had a dream about anything I do online--and also completely grateful for FS and my buddies. Even though I don't know any of you face-to-face, you are obviously a presence in my life--and apparently are becoming deeply-rooted in my subconscious. How wonderful to feel that a community of people that live far beyond the borders of my living room have reached out and become a network of friends that live in my heart as well as my head. And thank y'all for taking the time to come visit me in my dream and deliver the important message that I have been beating myself up with, but not following--if it's not in my eating plan then I don't need it, and I am not taking care of myself (my inner little girl) by indulging myself in things I don't need (and really only want out of bad habits, not because I consciously want them). Hopefully this little midday visit from my buddies will be the turning point in what has been a dismal few weeks! Thanks, y'all! Hugs, hugs, hugs, hugs, hugs!

(10 comments)

15 October 2008

It feels so great to be getting back to where I need to be. Haven't exercised the past couple of days 'cause it's been rainy and wet and I just can't stand the thought of being on the treadmill right now. Looking forward to some brisk walking tomorrow though. I've been walking around the local park and some of the neighborhoods and have found that much more satisfying than the treadmill. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to maintain a brisk enough walking speed without the treadmill moving me forward, but I've found that I can't walk slower than the beat of the music I'm listening to, so I keep it upbeat and the walk is just fine.

Food is still a bit of an issue--I do great most of the time, but after having slipped quite a bit I'm finding it extremely difficult to get back to being strict. This is completely a mental issue that I have to deal with and quit whining about. I was able to do it before, and therefore can do it again, but I find it so much harder to break those bad habits the second go around. And again--it's not like I've given up altogether and I really am doing good for the most part, but things like trailmix with fruit (and yogurt covered raisins) and too many whole wheat pita chips, etc. keep finding themselves in my mouth. Of course, I could be picking much worse things to be cheating with, but it's still cheating, and until I get the cravings under control it doesn't matter whether the food is "good" or "bad"--it's all non-productive.

So that's the struggle right now--putting on my big girl panties, getting over myself, and taking the advice that I have been given (and given other people) and getting back on track. Grrr...I wish I was one of those that didn't have to struggle with this! (Don't we all!)

(8 comments)

11 October 2008

I'm baaaack! I can't believe I have been gone for so long! I promise I didn't flake out on y'all--this computer stuff has been gnarly. Our hard drive finally crashed completely, and we broke down today and financed a new computer until we can get the old one fixed. Hated to do it, but there was really no choice. Hill uses the computer for business, and I was going through serious Cracksecret withdrawal!

I hope everyone is doing great--I know you all are, and I'm looking forward to catching up with everyone--it'll take me hours to do, but they will be hours well spent! To bring you up to speed on me--

The biggest news is that in spite of my attempts to once again ignore the advice of my personal Yodas, the tooth pain got so bad that I finally broke down and went to the dentist. When they asked me which tooth hurt, it was so bad that I couldn't even begin to tell them which one--I had to tell them to figure it out themselves! They wanted to do an emergency root canal on one of my molars, but I couldn't afford it (no insurance, sigh) so I just had them pull it. OH MY GOSH! It didn't hurt at all--not during or after, and I feel so much better that I'm going back next month to have more work done so that I can get this tooth thing completely under control. Once again, y'all were right--I really need to get smart and start listening to people who know better than I! :)

I've been doing okay with the eating, and slightly less than okay with the exercise--my tooth woes, combined with a nail in our truck tire, the daily grind of work, and the slow, painful death of our computer contributed to a lack of motivation. I give myself credit for trying to hang on, but part of me feels kind of ashamed of myself for giving in to bad choices in the face of what really amount to small annoyances when looking at the daily struggles of people that I have met on this site who are following the program everyday. So essentially, I feel like I'm starting, not exactly at the beginning, but at the middle of the beginning. Being away from FS for so long definitely made it harder for me to motivate myself. Not feeling like I was being accountable to anyone made it easier for me to coddle myself and take care of myself in ways that were really not taking care of me. Grrr...

So, here I am again, and excited to be here. I rely on y'all so much for your support and motivation. Y'all provide inspiration when I can't inspire myself. Thanks so much for that. And to all of you who sent messages wondering where I was--thanks for that too, it's nice to know I was missed! Now--to catch up on all of you...

(12 comments)

28 September 2008

I have missed all of you SOOOO much. Have been having computer issues since Hill installed "Spore" and now computer is in the shop. Am using a friend's computer at the moment--will try to post longer journal and check in with all from the library tomorrow. Love y'all--I'm still here and hanging on, just thwarted by modern technology!

Weigh-in: 231.0 lb

lost so far: 14.0 lb

still to go: 11.0 lb

Diet followed reasonably well

(6 comments) losing 3.1 lb a week

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