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MamaShea2009's Journal

 
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01 February 2012

Weigh-in: 223.6 lb lost so far: 4.4 lb still to go: 73.6 lb Diet followed poorly
   (2 comments) gaining 3.9 lb a week

29 January 2012

My ladybug has been sick. Poor girl has been running a fever-feels pretty high but I don't have a thermometer. Been giving her ibuprofen to keep it down. She was vommiting the other night (woke up @ 1:30am) outta nowhere and just started throwing up. Took her to the ER and they gave her zofran and she was like new. Of course, no money till Tuesday to get her script filled, but thankfully she only got sick once yesterday which is when her fever started. She hasn't eaten anything these past 2 days and has slept mostly the whole day. I feel so bad for her, and of course, feel bad as a mother that I can't afford all the stuff I need for her. Thankfully we were able to get some pedialite from a friend so that's helped us out. I've always been a believer that money isn't everything, but I sure wish I believed in prosperity instead of the guilt of not earning money. It's times especially like these I wish I had more self esteem and confidence and could get out there and hold down a job. Thank God my partner is working! Tom is still here, and will hopefully be gone soon. Surprisingly, through TOM and the lack of no healthy foods to eat, I've only put on 3 pounds, but who knows if that will go down once TOM leaves or not. Hope so! My goal was to be to 215 by my birthday- Feb. 3rd. I was at 219 and was so hopeful, but who knows now.

Time to go rest. I was able to take the dog for a quick 10-15 minute jog which was nice. Have a good rest of Sunday everyone!

27 January 2012

25 January 2012

Warning: Journaling mostly if I care to look back and reflect---

Blah day/blah mood. Didn't want to wake up to go to Zumba- I did end up going but rolled outta the bed at 5:00 to be there by 5:15. Did my workout and I actually thought my reps and stuff was fine (my heart rate was in same place) but I only burned 475 calories today. Guess the machines knew better than I did or something.....

So yeah, day started crappy and I guess maybe it will turn around. Maybe one of the reasons why I'm never good at sticking to anything is because I always tend to do things for other people and not myself. Ie: didn't go far away for college because mom didn't want me to- I don't know, now I pause and guess maybe it's not all really that. But anyhow, I mean, I know I should be healthy, but I'm just not enjoying this and it's no surprise because I haven't enjoyed life in so many years. I don't have time to go into my mental health issues, but that's why I don't enjoy life anymore and it's too complicated to write here, but it's like that driving force in the mind isn't me and so then I think: why am I doing this. I do really love to dance, but what if you felt like for so many years, the voice in your head just wasn't you anymore- and that's the voice that gets the credit for everything and gets all the joy. Yeah, I know- it's crazy.

So, yeah, weight stayed about the same. Running out of healthy food choices in the house so....probably gonna gain in the next few days. :-( I'm gonna try my best to stay afloat, but again, if there is no joy in it- why do I keep going everyday? Kinda feel like I watch my life go by instead of living it!

Sorry guys- I warned you, more of a reflection journal moreso than anything. Guess it's off to do some laundry. No dancing to ipod planned for today.

24 January 2012

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