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07 November 2007

ok - so here I am...a total fatsmash failure. I even went so far as to give myself a few days "off". Good news - have not gained. bad news: have not lost. Bad news - so down on myself right now. Good news: asking for help, advice. so if you're reading this..please help. Tell me what you would do.

Background otherwise known as "me ranting and complaining": I decided I'd give myself the weekend off because I orderd the book "extreme fat smash" - which would arrive Monday. (it was featured in a magazine I bought at the grocery store check-out line Thursday) From the three page magazine article it seemed quite easy to do..even better!!! My plan was to start allllll over on Monday on the Extreme Fat Smash when Amazon.com would deliver my miracle book that would save me from being a fatty forever. I still worked out. Just didn't really diet. I thought the Fat Smash worked soooo well, this book coming in the mail on Monday must be fabulous. So the weekend flys by. I didn't like eat everything in sight, just didn't stick to any diet. The book comes in the mail on Monday and I just can't wait to read it so I can start (again) on my weight-loss journey. Boy oh boy...I just can't wait!!! I read and filter through the book and finally get to chapter 6 where it tells you what to eat and I'm a little dismayed. Okay..a lot dismayed. What the CRAP?!! Are you KIDDING me? It's like a starvation diet. I'm sorry, but 1 egg for breakfast...oh that's right you get A piece of fruit. Unless that "piece of fruit" is a watermelon...i'm like going to need a little more than that...but wait there's meal 2. a cup of fruit. like do I get to pour that over something...like maybe a hamburger? no...no..there's a meal 3 - a "small" veggie salad with a few tablespoons of low-fat dressing. meal 4: 1/2 cup of beans. 2 servings of veggies. like have we hit even 500 calories yet? oh..and don't forget to do our 55 minutes of cardio. that's day one on "Extreme." It's simply laughable to think there are people out there that can stick to this kind of torture. That's right. I typed it. TORTURE. I need a little more food than that or else I would go insane. I'm not on the biggest loser campus..I'm living in a house with "not on a diet" people that eat really good stuff and I have a stressful job and if I hated food so much that I could starve myself (I've seen people on survivor get more food than Doc Ian here's suggesting) I wouldn't be here in the first place. Yes, I get it. It's EXTREME..duh. I know, I know. It's EXTREME. But he should have mentioned INSANe. The book should be titled, INSANE Fat Smash diet. I could have followed this kind of thing when I was a teenager...maybe. But not anymore. So, needless to say, Monday I just ate healthy. Tuesday, same thing. Today, at work...went to the evil place. The hospital cafeteria. It was Hamburger bar day. Allthefriesyoucaneat. Need I paint the picture any clearer? So, since I blew that, I picked up chinese food for the family on the way home from work. And now I sit here, feeling like I will never....ever...ever...win. On a good note, I've been exercising a lot and have not gained any weight BAcK...as I mentioned before (I had to bring this up again because I'm so ashamed of my lack of self-control.) So do I start detox again? Do I go to Phase 2? do I hang it up? do I find another diet? I need some input/help.

(9 comments)

31 October 2007

So, I weighed myself today because I'm going to go to phase 1 (somewhat modified) for a week. I couldn't handle phase 2 - it's like give me an inch and I'll take a mile. I just feel that the whole point of phase one is to smash those cravings and to break addictions - well it didn't work that well because the minute I started phase 2, I slowly went back to my old habits (only not as bad) and now I do eat more fruits and vegetables. This time, I will allow myself more than 2 cups of tea though - but I need to stop the diet sodas - like I'd say ok - this is one of two, than two of two, then I'd think.. did I finish that entire can?..no - I guess one more won't hurt...and so it goes. Phase one helped me to change my eating habits A LOT - I started to cook more, and I think I need another week to focus on the basic foods that should make up most of my diet before I start adding more foods.
I didn't do any kind of work out yesterday- I felt depressed, down. Listless and lazy. Still had a bit of a cold/allergies/whatever the heck it was. The only, only reason I took a shower and washed my hair, put on make-up (well, got out of bed) was because I was scheduled to teach a class and knew I had to get up in front of a bunch of stangers and talk. And it still makes me a little nervous - I love to teach, but it's still a bunch of strangers...all staring at me. Aack. So, last evening, I taught my class (it's a childbirth refresher thingy) and we provide cookies and chips and bananas - did I eat a banana? Noooooo - munched down on not one cookie, but a few and then, opened a bag of delicious Doritos and drank some diet Coke while I chatted it up with the people after class. Then when I got home, my husband brought one of those rotisserie chickens for dinner and I acted like I had nothing to eat all day - tore into that poor chicken like some viking who hasn't seen meat in a year. WTC? Then I had a couple of glasses of wine with my meal - I just feel like I've gone out of control - out of control. I've been telling myself every day for the last week that I'd stick to it, and every day I'd start out okay and than just blow it. It's some sort of self-destructive behavior. Like, why am I doing this to myself? LIke I need a 12-step!! My name in chistine..and I'm a foodaholic. So, I'm doing Phase 1 for a week and than going to Phase 2. I know that I've developed really unhealthy eating habits over my lifetime. I know I don't use food just to nourish but to comfort - and I dont' really think there's anything wrong with it.... once in a while...I have a super addictive personality. Like I couldn't just smoke one cigarrette when I smoked - I'd just about chain-smoke when I smoked (not like all day 'cause I still had to work and I wouldn't smoke in my house or in front of my daughter (although she would catch me once in a while..) Then one day, I just quit. Cold turkey. After so many attempts to quit...I just did. No drugs, no patch, no gum. It was hard at first. I'd have triggers that would make me crave a cigarrette - like a stressful situation. But I'd think of another way to handle it...like go for a walk. But I didn't give in. So if I can do that, why can't I just quit binge eating? I find myself reaching for food when I'm not even hungry..just 'cause it tastes good. I don't evaluate at all why I'm doing it. So I need to slow down. Start thinking about it. I've had such a hard/stressful year and I just now realized that. We sold our house and bought a new one. My mom hasnt talked to me in about two months which is heartbreaking to me. She was like my best friend and I feel so betrayed and angry at her right now. It's opened up this horrible wound. There's the situation with my step-kids - long heartbreaking story. I do thank God for my great husband, my healthy daughter and my dog. I don't take that for granted I just see people with big families and think how nice that must be. How nice to have a big family where people get together and celebrate birthdays and love each other. It's just the three of us. Anyway, enough for one day. I got all that off of my chest. I'm going to take my dog for a walk.

Weigh-in: 166.0 lb

lost so far: 11.0 lb

still to go: 21.0 lb

Diet followed reasonably well

(2 comments) losing 7.0 lb a week

30 October 2007

Well, a pound is a pound - at least it's not going up. I haven't been as strict with my diet, so that's why I didn't lose more - I'm still happy with 167 - It's a total of 10 since I started. It's been a tough week - I got got the stomach virus that lasted about a day or two, then started my period and that always knocks me out - then during all that got a sore throat/cold. I just took some cold medicine and I'm drinking a cup of tea. I've been eating so much healthier but I'm going to admit - I did eat some Halloween candy last night. My husband warned me about opening the bags of candy and pouring them in the big basket by the door - I didn't listen because what does he know... so then last night after he fell asleep I snuck over to the basket (like some drug addict) and took out a few pieces. It was really good too. I bought those bags that have the Snickers, M and M's and Twix - I should have bought the stuff I dont' like, but I like to give myself a challenge...lol. Okay, confession over. I just need to get back on track. I did walk a couple of miles at the park with my husband yesterday, we had a bowl of soup for lunch (mine was split pea, his was Italian Wedding) and we had a fabulous dinner - baked chicken, brown rice with a big salad. He made a fabulous salad dressing which I'll have again today. I made a pumpkin pie from a recipe that I got from the fatsmash forum website for dessert. It was really good. My daughter loved it and even had a piece for breakfast. I just love pumpkin. I did make a huge pot of brown rice yesterday, so that will make it easier to keep on track today. It's beautiful outside today - so I'll have to do my exercise outdoors today. I'm teaching a class tonight - so that always keeps me busy during the evening when I find it toughest to stick to my diet.

Weigh-in: 167.0 lb

lost so far: 10.0 lb

still to go: 22.0 lb

Diet followed reasonably well

(3 comments) losing 1.0 lb a week

27 October 2007

Well, yesterday went great - walked 45 minutes on the treadmill - even ran some - distance was 3 miles - then when I got home took the dog for another mile so he would get some exercise. Did my upper body work-out with weights. stuck to my diet. felt superior. (that's a joke)
Today - not so much. Stuck to my diet until lunch - then kind of blew it and ate fries with my turkey burger...downhill from there. Started my period. Cramped, bitched, moaned...ate chocolate and not just a little. Felt like crap.
Tomorrow- will start fresh. Made my oatmeal muffins to take with me for breakfast in the a.m. Put some sweet potatoes in the oven so I can have one to take to work on Sunday. Did some grocery shopping so I'd have healthy choices available. Told my husband to HIDE the Halloween candy...And be clever. I have a lab. I'm not afraid to use him to help me sniff out the bags of candy. To quote Jillian Michaels from Biggest Loser..."Willpower is highly overrated."

(3 comments)

25 October 2007

Well, yesterday went pretty good - Went for a 2 mile walk, stuck with my healthy eating all day and at 2 p.m. went to work...I did pack some vegetarian chilli and a sweet potato for my dinner break at work - but at dinner time it got a little busy and I only had a chance to eat about a third of it - while watching monitors - it's not great for the digestion...had to take a few tums..It's just tough to break old habits....and I usually get so worked up, running around at work that I lose my appetite (I'm a labor and delivery nurse and usually work evening shift - when most of our a.m. inductions deliver - and it's not like we can eat when we're pushing with a patient!) Then after a delivery, I'm like full of adrenaline/stressed have 1 million things left to do, so can't just sit down and eat. Dealing with people just takes so much out of me - in that kind of environment you have to give 110%. And when things go bad, as they sometimes do, it can be heart-wrenching and extremely stressful. So what happens is I don't eat at work, or barely scarf whatever is readily available down..then I have a 40 minute drive home to unwind and when I get home...well, I'm starving (and it's usually about midnight to 1 in the morning. Not the best set-up for success. So last night when I got home I had af few slices turkey, a piece of cheese...and a cookie. Oh well, just a cookie. Not a cake. Then I went to bed. Adjustments that need to be made: - I'm going to start bringing cut up apples to snack on, and make some soup to eat when I get home. Buy more turkey. And...hide the cookies. I'm off today- so it won't be too hard to stick to the plan! Oh...and SURVIVOR comes on tonight! I love that show- nothing like watching other people starving when you're on a diet!! ha ha

(4 comments)

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