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Weight History
showing entries 11 to 15 of 287
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25 July 2024
Good afternoon FS friends
Slept in today. A rare occurence as since starting weight loss in March of 2023, I generally wake up between 5 and 6 AM (without an alarm clock). Today I woke up at 4 and figured it best to go back to bed and proceeded to sleep until 9:30AM. Head is foggy but haven't used sleep aids at all in a couple of weeks.
Probably an emotional hangover from yesterday. Day started out well, went to physio (the left drop foot isn't improving at all). Figure I must have done some damage the day John died as I didn't adhere to any hip precautions at all. The acetabulum that was wired together in 2017 "burns".
Got home, got dressed to go do yard work when the phone rang. They were asking for John. Turns out it was the home care team trying to book an appointment. They had not been advised that he'd passed. Monday the 22nd would have been his last day of treatment which is why they would have called now. So I cried. Shortly after that another call came in. A lovely lady who was my hospital roommate when my acetabulum fracture was repaired and we've stayed quite close since then. More tears. Then got another call from a lady I became friends with in Toronto. An avid gardener who lost her husband 5 years ago. More tears from both of us. Then John's brother showed up and we were going through old pictures. You guessed it. More tears. Felt like I'd been hit by a Mac truck by the end of the day and still do.
Funny how the silence of late has been overwhelming and then BAM more human interaction than I can bear in one day.
Tired of crying. Wish I had a normal appetite again. Haven't used Ozempic in 6 weeks, so the appetite suppression has nothing to do with that. Totally emotional. Am eating though, as the body needs fuel. Everything tastes like sawdust.
Today will be a better day
Over and out
(3 comments)
23 July 2024
Good morning FS friends
Another day. Missed physio today as got the time wrong. Grief brain fog sucks big time. Going tomorrow instead.
Eavestrough cleaners are here. John was going to do it last fall, but got sick early November so it didn't happen. You have to know that if you have small oak saplings growing out of the troughs that they are clogged up and won't do the house any good.
John's youngest son called yesterday and will be coming by this afternoon. He has asked me to go look at some places where the memorial service might be held in this region. For this I'm grateful as there has been an underlying fear/insecurity that I won't be included in either the planning or the event itself. Despite such a long history together/apart, not sure that any of the sons fully appreciated the depth/breadth of our relationship or the close connection we had through these years.
Food wise I'm a mess. For some reason cheese and nuts keep calling me and I keep eating them. Calorie dense, not particularly filling, but the want for those foods are pretty strong. I've had cravings before, but this go round it is a feeling of "must have". Maybe it is a by product of the two weeks of adrenaline pumping and weird eating after John died and the unusual amount weight lost at that time. Body might be trying to find homeostasis again.
Another day passes
Over and out
(2 comments)
22 July 2024
Back to normal rate of loss. At least the body has stabilised. Now to work on the emotional part of things.
Over and out.
Weigh-in:
152.2 lb
lost so far:
111.8 lb
still to go:
12.2 lb
Diet followed reasonably well
(1 comment)
losing 0.6 lb a week
21 July 2024
Good morning FS Friends
And so the journey continues. Bumped into a song I'd never heard before this morning. My goodness...I cried and cried. "Never Not Remember You" sung by Alan Cooper. I'm not an organised religion person, rather more a spiritual one that believes in a higher power and in living by the tenets that most world religions have in common. Nor am I country music fan, but this song resonated in a big way. As is typical, the Universe provided what I needed when I needed it.
That led me to go to my other box of memories. I have cards and mementos from my partner Paul who passed in 1997. Going through that box reminded me that yes, this raw pain has happened before, this horrible sense of loss and aloneness has happened before. It also reminded me that I was able to come out the other side to live another chapter of my life. (the song that resonated with me after Paul's passing was "End of the World by Skeeter Davis)
Music has always been part of how I process. In 2017 I met another gentleman, we became close, he passed in 2019. Although the relationship never progressed to as deep a level as with Paul and John, his passing led me to another song "Angel Standing By" sung by the hauntingly beautiful voice of Jewel.
There is no doubt that the John chapter was not linear. From friend, to fiance, to friend to closest companion and confidant. Round and round. I loved him fiercely, yet hated his alcohol use disorder and the problems it brought. In retrospect, he was a man who had suffered much abuse and hardship in his life and alcohol was his coping mechanism for it. Not substantially different from my use of food to numb emotion or as a reward.
And so it goes on. Learning more each day.
Over and out
(3 comments)
18 July 2024
Good morning FS friends
So ate my feelings yesterday. Hating this emotional rollercoaster of grief. Totally screws with your head. Not sure why I thought food would increase my energy levels. It didn't. Because of the carb loading it made me sleepy. Thought I wouldn't log the day, but did so this morning. Turns out it actually wasn't as bad as I had thought. 700 calories over the 1200 cal budget.
Good thing today is another day. Back to the program. Am so close to goal that it is one thing in my life I can control. A cooler day as well so a good day to go out and tackle the ginormous weeds. Theres a 7 ft thisle growing in the back part of the property which will take a shovel to dig out.
My struggle at the moment is with lack of attention span and brain fog. I'll start on one task, not complete it, then start another. Have decided that today I'll focus on digging out the tall tap rooted weeds and nothing else. Just that. Figure on the smaller and mid sized stuff on another day. The good news, with all the rain we've been having the ground is soft.
And so I muddle on. Another day passes.
Over and out.
(5 comments)
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