Annisworkingonit's Journal

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13 September 2024

Good morning FS friends,

A better day today (so far). It's weird how you can wake up and just know that you are a little bit mentally stronger. It's not as if I don't wake up each day and immediately realise that my world has changed profoundly so it isn't that. Need to find some self talk that can snap me out of the gloomies on those days where the mindset isn't optimal.

Took the littles for their morning W.A.L.K. Had a failure of poop bag, A biodegradable one that decided to biodegrade in my pocket. When dog number 2 eliminated, picked that up with another bag, put it in my pocket, withdrew my hand and you guessed it....covered with the brown stuff. Wiped my hand off on my tshirt. We carried on with our W.A.L.K. but eventually the stench and mess got to me, so we headed back home. Thank heavens the rec trail is quiet in the morning else folk would be wondering who is this lunatic smeared with s&*t

Washed the harnesses, washed the leashes, washed my pants and pocket, washed me and am now starting the day in clean clothes.

Yesterday I went through my past journals on FS. I was struck by how ambivalent I was regarding my relationship with John. It's hard when you love someone, but have fear of how their behaviour can so quickly destroy trust. Also discovered that alot of what I mentioned along the way, John was there in the background. The visitors that came here were his family, the boat I bought, he picked (boat now gone as of a week ago). Most of the pictures of meals were cooked by him.

It seems that the turning point in our relationship began when he got sick last November. Even though he was a constant presence in my life, emotionally I had kept up a small barrier in a vain attempt to protect myself from hurt.I became fully vested in us again, and with his work situation on hold, he was physically here all the time unless I sent him home so I could get some painting done. I guess this was how it was meant to play out.

I suppose sometimes the Universe gives us what we need (not what we want). In his case, he was not meant to die alone, but rather here by the Mighty Niagara River in the arms of the person who loved him. My need in this case was met by being with him as he passed, and the knowledge that he did not die alone. One of the main reasons I do end of life palliative care is that I don't believe that anybody should ever die alone and certainly not someone who had such a big place in my life.

And so it goes

Over and out

(3 comments)

12 September 2024

Good morning FS friends

So yesterday was one of those emotional/chapter closing days. John's half brother came by as we had a couple of ash rituals to complete. One was to wade into the Mighty Niagara River and release ashes into the current (I'd only done so from the shores). It wasn't something that I was going to do alone in case I got caught up in the current. He's a scuba diver, so a strong swimmer (as am I) and we buddied up, I felt safe. Part 2 of the ash release was to bury some near the two trees that John and I planted for him in 2018. (all of the various species of trees I've planted here have people associated with them) John loved False Cypress aka Weeping Knootka. Thought those trees were goners as I didn't know to burlap them over winter that first year. The deer ate most of the greenery and these poor things were almost denuded of foliage. Thought I'd leave them be, give them some triple mix and they have recovered albeit slowly. They're back to the state they were in in 2018. And so some of John is now buried at the base of these trees. Will cover the trees with burlap going forward as I've done every year since the deer first got to them. Fingers crossed that they thrive. Once they reach a certain size, the deer will leave them alone.

The last hard part of yesterday was sending off John's pork and beef ribs that were in the freezer. I had an aversion to ribs for years. In November 1997 my partner Paul and I had set ribs in the oven, then crossed the road to shoot some pool. Whilst there, Paul collapsed and was taken to hospital. I went home, turned off the ribs and went to the hospital. Initially I thought that it was a diabetic low, but orange juice and glucagon didn't fix the situation. Found out when I got to the hospital that he'd had a brain aneurysm (same thing my dad had and passed suddenly from in 1995) Paul was moved to another hospital in downtown Toronto as it was his wish to be an organ donor, and I followed. Was there for 4 days in ICU with him. When he was intubated the first hospital had done so incorrectly which resulted in hiccups (apparently an indication of brain life). Day 4, my SweetPea was taken off the ventilator and died. His organs could not be donated sadly.
It was during that period that my aversion to ribs began.

It took years and years for John to convince me to try his ribs (Pauls were saucy, Johns were dry rub, seared on the BBQ then slow baked in the oven). In looking through the deep freeze the other day, there were 3 racks of ribs waiting to be cooked, John's handwriting on the packages. Cannot bear it. My rib days are done. Gave them to John's brother yesterday.

And so I have lost the 3 men I've loved most, dad (age 67), Paul (age 45) and now John (age 63). All of them suddenly.

I wonder whether the underlying cause of the depth of my grief is a result of cumulative losses? Add in the loss of my mom in 2015 (cancer) and my dear friend and physical rehab partner Mike (cancer) in 2019. Maybe. Perhaps it is the knowledge that there is nobody left who knows me or is as connected to me as my lost loved ones were. Being an orphan is not fun.

Anyways, a new day begins and need to take my little ones for their morning walk.

Over and out

(2 comments)

09 September 2024

Morning FS friends

Still muddling along. Figured I'd update last weeks weigh in no matter how ugly it was. Avoiding doing so doesn't change the result. This weeks is a bit better.

Would love to say I'm staying on track, but that's not the case at all. Finding now that it's getting dark earlier, evenings stretch like an eternity. Going to bed at 8PM isn't an option though much as it calls to me 24/7.

Am fighting with carbs and peanut butter still. Much as I think I've got a handle on things, I find that I don't. 60 years of turning to food for comfort especially now, is a really hard behaviour to break. Am I hungry? No. Empty? Yes. It is a vast soul emptiness, one devoid of anything remotely resembling joy, purpose, future plans, hopes and dreams that is my life at the moment. I've always lived a purpose driven life so limbo is a weird place to be until I find purpose (and the will to execute it) again. Almost a case of hurry up and wait...but for what? This bleakness needs to be overcome. Thanks to my the furbabies for providing structure to my days. Dreading winter though as both the furries and I benefit from our daily walks.

It would likely be a bit easier if I had any family, or even a social network or a job. But I don't. Where retirement was full of opportunities and plans it now looms ahead - alone and adrift. Not stable enough at the moment to volunteer either as tears come unprovoked and the last thing seniors in long term care need is a middle aged woman bawling.

Suck it up buttercup.

This too will pass.

Rebuild, learn, grow, adapt.

One day at a time.

PS Morticia, still need to post pics of my two ancient cats. Mayhaps soon.

Over and out

Weigh-in: 154.4 lb

lost so far: 109.6 lb

still to go: 14.4 lb

Diet followed poorly

(2 comments) losing 2.2 lb a week

04 September 2024

Good morning FS friends,

So my eating is back to program. Yay. At the moment it is the only thing I can control, so I will. Would love to get to goal by June of next year. At this point it is a slow slog. 1/4 lb a week is a win. Even maintenance is a win. Never thought that being normal weight was a possibility, and yet here we are. Now the goal is to get to mid range normal BMI and build some more muscle mass.

Took my 20 yo cat Angus to the vet this morning to get his monthly arthritis shot. Poor old guy. He hates the crate and car ride. With hyperthyroid and hypertension he's a bonerack at this point. Takes his pills beautifully when tucked into dabs of liverwurst though. Wish Miss Oscar would be so accomodating as she was recently diagnosed hyperthyroid as well. She licks the liverwurst and leaves the pill behind. Have to manually pill her and have the claw marks to prove it. Dear sweet girl.

From 17lbs when he came to me 17 years ago, to 6 lbs now. Not expecting that he'll be with me much longer, but he's still eating and talking and moving (not fast). As long as he carries on as he is doing now, his time hasn't come quite yet. Admittedly I wake each day and wonder if I'll find him expired as he does sleep alot. Then again, most cats do. Will post a picture of both Angus and Oscar later today or tomorrow.

It's odd how life goes. 4 of my 5 rescued furries are seniors now and I had every expectation that 2 or more would leave me for the bridge this year. Never in a million years did I think that the middle aged human man would be the first to leave us. Our long long term plan included being roomies in long term care when we reached that stage of our lives. Granted, I'd much rather age in place here by the river as my 96yo neighbour is doing.

We had a great walk today with the pups. Now they're pooped and I'm off to mow the lawn.

One day, one step at a time

Over and out

(1 comment)

02 September 2024

Good afternoon FS friends

Not weighing in today as it would only add to the burden of an already heavy heart. That being said, back on track today and going forward. September at work was always our time to set new objectives. Sort of like the beginning of a new school year...new beginning, new goals. And so, I've decided to make a conscious effort to rebuild my routines too.

The littles and I went for a 5k walk today. Many stops and starts to sniff along the way (them, not me). They are loving the new routine. Are they stellarly great on leash? No, but getting better. My oldest guy Ozzy struggles a bit. He has cancer and we live day by day, he does enjoy the outing. Saw a dead opossum on the trail. Sad. They are great little tick munchers and much needed in our ecosystem.

The lawn bowling dinner was interesting. Got there before my friends did, didn't know a soul, but managed to socialise nonetheless. The beauty of a much older demographic is that many of them have already walked the path I'm on at the moment and have successfully come out the other side.

A NSV of having lost a significant amount of weight is how helpful middle aged men are when you're shopping at Canadian Tire. I was looking for a tire inflator (portable one) to pump up the tires on the boat trailer and my lawn tractor as needed. This employee gives me "the look". Ladies, you know the one...top to bottom and back up again. Can't say that I've personally ever had it happen in my life before, but certainly a pleasant change from the invisible fat person of the past. He took me around the store from automotive to sporting goods. Did we find what I was looking for? Nah. But having help like that was certainly a novelty. Not being invisible, another novelty.

And so life goes on

Over and out

(6 comments)

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