Jojo1434's Journal, 17 May 2018

Thursday 17th May - the day I become accountable for the mess I have allowed myself to get into! Today, I choose to change the way I go about dieting, actually I am not going to call it dieting anymore as I am sure that's why I fail at this gig every time! I'm not sure what I will call it yet? I have hated myself for years for letting this happen. I was always slim, very active and fussy with food - 😳 then I got lost! Very lost! And ended up fat, non active and am no longer fussy - happy to eat everything in sight! A battle with my mind every day for the last 20 years. A few things have happened in my life that were not ideal that have affected me greatly. Physically and mentally - not a lot of people would guess as I am happy on the outside. Instead of fighting my battles I gave up and became the complete opposite to what I was prior to these incidents. I lost my confidence, courage, self discipline (what's that?) and most importantly self respect. After all these years I think I have finally worked it out - I'm still not sure but I think sub consciously I self sabotage to make myself unattractive so as not to draw attention? Is this a thing? My current pattern is to eat everything in sight as soon as I 'think' of going on a diet. I also convince myself every night that I will get up in the morning and go for a walk.... never do! When it's time to go I freeze! It's been going in for weeks and I feel like I have put on 10kgs in the last few days. The tighter my clothes get the more I eat! Why is that? This is the very first time I have written anything like this... i don't even have a diary, so forgive me if it's mumbo jumbo. Ok that was all straight from the heart and I have just re read it and feel crazier than ever! Who am I kidding? Apparently today is the day I start my 'journey' - maybe I will call it my 'journey to happiness within'? I think I will start with? I was thinking self acceptance..... see how I go.  

Congrats breaking through 

Ok.... so here i am 5 days later. I have started to be kinder to myself, I have stopped giving myself a hard time. I have a mantra that I use in the car on the way to work 'I am happy, strong and slim. I make healthy choices, I can say no and I accept myself for who I am'. I say this over and over again whilst tapping my karate chop point on the steering wheel or arm rest.(Learnt that technique from a therapist - yep I have other issues lol) I'm sure my fellow drivers just think I am singing along to the radio - I hope I don't look completely mad? Actually, who cares what they think. I have worried about what others think all of my life.... maybe time to focus on that too? I have no idea really, however, this is my journey, I am making it up as I go as I realise there is no 'one size fits all' and I am owning it! Did i weigh in yet? No..... however I did say no to some unhealthy choices over the last few days. One step at a time! 

Oh... and thanks LadyinDenim!! :) 

Seems your head is in a good place right now. I had an epiphany the other day. I have spent decades hating my body and blaming it for my failures in love and life. Then I realized my body is doing what it is supposed to do -- converting processed grains, sugars, and oils into fat. I swallow it, and my cells go, "what am I supposed to do with this?" "Oh, I know." When I drink vegetable juice, my nails get stronger, and my skin is firmer. Again, my body is doing what it is supposed to do. There is a lot of acceptance and gratitude in that. I wish you well today, tomorrow, and the next day :) 

This is so beautiful and honest, you may feel crazy but you're exactly where you need to be mentally to actually make change happen. This took courage. Cheers to you darling, you're gonna be okay. And 167 is a beautiful number! I wish I would've loved myself at 167. Appreciate your journey, your body gives you life. No matter what size! 💕 

Thank you both for your support and kind words. It really is a challenge, especially mentally. Everything I tend to do/try is based on what has worked for someone else. We really beat ourselves up if we don't achieve what Mrs Smith achieved next door even if we strictly followed the same fresh air and water diet just as she did! The thing is...I know what I shouldn't be eating and I am aware I need to exercise. Its just putting it into practice which is the challenge - I have always been a bit rebellious but to rebel against myself just does not make sense!! lol. I have an angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other and they fight... ALOT! Time to focus on the positive :)