Homework Assignment #3
Activity #1:
List all of the previous attempts you have made at losing weight.
List why they did not work:
-The first diet I ever went on that I remember clearly was when I was 14 years old. It didn't last longer than two weeks, but I did manage to lose 6 lbs and went from 145 lbs to 139. I don't remember to much about what I ate except it was very restrictive and I know it incorporated baked potatoes. LOL. I also remember I didn't really feel well doing it. I was hungry a lot and discovered how the body get's shaky when it's physically hungry. I was too young to remotely consider if it was practical or sustainable and it obviously wasn't because, it didn't last longer than two weeks. In fact, most of the the diets I went on during high school never lasted longer than a couple of weeks. I don't recall that I did any exercise on that diet and the intent was to be skinny, wear skinny people clothes, and of course "fit in" as is the plight of most kids that are middle school aged. LOL.
-The next diet I can vaguely remember was slim fast. I did 2 shakes and 1 meal. Needless to say, that only lasted 2 weeks. I think I did lose 10 lbs, but again it was too restrictive, and obviously not sustainable. I was definitely looking for a quick fix. And, at that point it was coming from a place of self loathing. I hated this body. I was about 186 lbs then. I likely incorporated exercise into the regimen at that point. During high school, I attempted to stay active by taking aerobic classes at the local community college, doing lap swimming, and walking upwards of 4 miles a day. But, the weight just didn't seem to want to come off. I stuck with exercise even when I often went off the diets. I found it often helped me work through a lot of different emotions or whatever current drama I was creating in my addled teenage head LOL.
-The next diet is what I might call a "not on purpose" diet that ended in a full blown nervous break down. Around my third year at the community college, right before I was set to graduate with my AA and go on to get my BA at UCSC, I randomly started to lose weight without trying. I was finishing up finals and preparing to move to the next level of Academia. I was also holding down a part time job and trying to stash away as much money as possible to afford some of those basic college materials every young adult needs when they're going to be living in the dorms. And, of course I was a HUGE social butterfly and was entering into my first real committed relationship with a man where marriage and children were discussed. When was there time to think about food?! lol. I don't know how it happened, but I woke up one day and realized I was now able to wear a size 14 instead of a size 16. However, within the first 6 months at the University, I put 10 lbs back on and found my size 14 jeans were now tight.
The first year at the University was pretty rough as it is with most young adults trying to adjust to a completely different world. It was doubly tough for this girl. As the daughter of a single parent in the small town I grew up in, people didn't assume this half breed was going to amount to anything. I burned with fury for years over that assumption and used the venom to prove them wrong and actually did make my way to college when most girls around me ended up pregnant by 16, married and divorced by 22, with another baby on the way by a different Daddy. I was determined my resume' was going to reflect different qualifications.
And, it does...
But, it came at a price of unrelenting pressure on myself and perfectionism of the most destructive kind. I had my share of hiccups in the first year, but the worst ones were created by my own self destructive tendencies. The depression and anxiety began during my second semester and I began to lose weight again, only this time it was because I found myself feeling nauseous and not wanting to put food in my mouth. When I made it home for summer, I started dieting to continue with weight loss. However, after suffering a huge panic attack that left me shaky and sick for a few days. I went downhill quickly and found myself not inclined to eat altogether. I gagged when water hit the back of my throat and felt nauseous all the time. I think I got down to 154 during that time and the weight loss was so rapid, the doctor diagnosed me with severe depression, anxiety, agoraphobia and I was put on mild tranquilizers and prozac shortly after. My inability to eat was so bad, the idea was put forth to hospitalize me. That idea made me feel worse and the depression deepened.
So, what was the trigger for all this?
Well no one thing is contingent on another, but I got a notice from the college saying I had failed a course and ended up in the garage with a cigarette in my hand sobbing my eyes out, telling my mother how much of a horrible failure I was.
Heres the morbidly ironic part of this story. When I got back to college the next year after tons of therapy, severe weight loss, tranquilizers, prozac, and trying to climb out of the bottom of a severely deep emotional hole of despair; I got a notice from the school admin office that there had been a TA mistake and I HAD ACTUALLY PASSED THE DAMN CLASS!!!
Needless to say, I continued to lose that year without trying and even went down to 139 lbs. At this point I was purging food to cope. It frankly felt good to stick my finger down my throat and make myself vomit and sometimes to make it easier to do, I got myself good and drunk and went on a purging spree. Coping by purging is a mechanism I used, on and off, all the way up into my thirties.
And, no I can't say there was any thought to sustainability in that particular weight loss journey. I didn't want to gain the weight back, but there were a whole lot of other things going on emotionally so it remained on the back burner. When I graduated with the BA and moved to the east coast, I steadily began to gain again. But, frankly it felt nice to eat without wanting to vomit and I allowed the weight to come back. My focus at that point was my career.
-The next very purposeful and meaningful diet happened at about age 33. I had steadily been maintaining at 203-205 lbs for a few years. I wasn't happy about the weight, but again it was low on the priority list. When I came back from a trip to France, I knew it was time to commit to a serious path of weight loss, but attempt to do it right this time! And, for all intents and purposes I did. I think I weighed in about 207-209 during that time.
I can honestly say, it wasn't restrictive. It was genuinely based on portion control. I DID NOT weigh myself or track, but chose to go by the fit of my clothes. Unfortunately, I spent a lot of money I really didn't have going down in sizes. I incorporated exercise into the regimen when I was able to, but primarily focused on calories and portion control. I allowed myself 2 splurge days a week where I was allowed to eat whatever I wanted. My cardinal rule was that I was not to give up if I fell off the wagon, but keep on keepin' on. Another cardinal rule was coming to terms with the fact I was NEVER going to look like the girls on the covers of those magazines and to try and make the process as much about health as I was able too. I don't know that the endeavor was coming from a place of self love. But, I felt pragmatic about the circumstance, and understood for this height and weight, I needed to give my poor back and knees a break. I can definitely say, I did it with sustainability in mind, but with no thought to maintenance.
It took me about 3 years, but I went from 209-162 lbs and maintained that loss until I was about 39 before I started to gain the weight back.
-About 2 summers ago, I threw myself into a full blown fitness routine where I was exercising upwards of 3 hours a day during a six month break between jobs. I did manage to get down to 185 lbs, but once winter returned and I found a temp job, I gained it quickly back. I did attempt to calorie count towards the end of this one, but it didn't stick.
-Spring of 2016, I attempted CICO again, and probably lost about 10 lbs, but again when the winter months arrived, I threw mindfulness out the window and pretty much ate what I wanted, and ended right back in the 207-210 range.
I have to say my expectations were unrealistic during the last two attempts. I don't feel like I was fully aware of how much menopause can impact the metabolism. In addition, I feel my concept of portion sizes had grown disproportionate to what I can actually eat to lose weight. It's been a learning curve and a journey toward making peace with middle age.
Activity #2
RULES MOVING FORWARD
#1)
There are to be no restrictions to what I can eat, barring things I just don't like. However, there needs to be consideration regarding CICO, especially concerning workout days where there may be the choice to eat something small but fuller in calories versus foods that are less in calorie, but more can be ingested. In short, on workout days "FUEL THE WORKOUT"
#2)
Continue to make fitness and exercise (i.e. strength training, cardio, yoga, and physical therapy) a consistent part of the weekly regimen on average 3-5 days a week. However, when life happens while we're making other plans and events arise that make exercising as often difficult, then the minimum can be 3 days a week, at 30 minutes a session doing what ever exercise I am capable of doing, until I feel ready to resume.
#3)
On days I find myself in circumstances when I may go over my caloric allotment of the day, it is okay to do what I can to eat within "maintenance" level calories. If I eat above maintenance level, I am NOT allowed to weigh myself the next day and will resume a regular approach to nutrition the next day without guilt or self admonishment.
#4)
During times when I feel I'm not in a place to focus on the weight loss portion of this journey or I plateau, I am completely allowed to take a maintenance break at any point. A maintenance break includes eating maintenance calories only for whatever current weight I am at and can be done over a 14 day period or until I feel ready to shift my attention to weight loss. During maintenance breaks, I am allowed a 3-5 lb weight range and if I began to go above the 5 lb range, I will then need to consider cutting calories to maintain the range.
#5)
I will remember that this body will never be a super models body. I will likely never have a flat stomach. I will likely always have some loose skin under my arms and between my thighs, and a flat butt. But, I will remember to celebrate and remain focused on all this body has done for me and continues to do in order to keep me alive. I will learn to approach this body (with all its imperfections and frailties) from a place of love and at the very least be proactive about respecting its boundaries even when I may call upon it to do things it does not always feel like doing.
#6)
I will make good health, fitness, and increased quality of life the primary focus of this journey and remember these things far outweigh the value of any number on the scale.
#7) I can weigh daily, in the morning, and after going to the bathroom. However, I am not allowed to weigh on any morning after a day I have gone over maintenance calories. I can however, weigh the next morning.
#8) I am to keep in mind there is no time limit or end to this journey. It's not a race or even a marathon, but a positive investment in a future me that deserves to be happy, strong, and as healthy as she can possibly be during the course of her life.
#9) I will continue to log my food and exercise daily using My Fitness Pal, indefinitely.
#10) I will open up and draw support from the half size me community when I feel overwhelmed with challenges that make me feel derailed, uncertain, or lost regarding my health and fitness goals.
