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OK OK OK. This is day #22 of this diet. I'm pretty much still dead right on it, with only minor variations, and I refuse to call that "cheating." Like last night I had two thin slices of chicken breast on my salad instead of fish-fish-fish since this diet calls for fish every single damned night for 42 nights. That's really a lot of fish.
Plus, we bought the chicken pre-roasted at the WInn Dixie, and it was ready, and I was exhausted and didn't feel like even microwaving some fish. So yesterday was: smoothie for breakfast (unsweetened frozen fruit, nonfat unsweetened yogurt, 1/2 cup orange-pineapple juice). Yum, and filling. For lunch, a bowl of failed spaghetti squash. Took an hour to bake it -- luckily it's cold enough now in Florida to run the oven for an hour, if you get up early enough -- and no matter what anybody tells you, it tastes like squash. Looks like spaghetti (sort of), tastes exactly like stringy squash. It's NOT a substitute for pasta. Dammit. I put on a little olive oil and salt/pepper, and tried to eat it, but it was really quite awful. I threw away half the bowl, so ate about 1/4 of a spaghetti squash. Yuck.
Dinner was that mixed green salad with those chicken breast slices, and some oh-my-God too hot red jalapeno peppers. My husband swore the red ones were less hot than the green. I bit into one and almost passed out, cried, blew my nose, drank ice water, rubbed toilet paper on my tongue. Nothing helped. Eventually my boss called and I had to snap out of it and talk to him, and sometime during that conversation, I realized I was no longer in pain. And I was kind of HIGH. I guess that's the endorphin release from all that pain. It was nice. I regretted the pepper again this morning, if you know what I mean.
Then after the healthy dinner I ate some trail mix -- just nuts, raisins, dried fruit, nothing chocolate. But I felt bad about that. It probably added another 300 calories to my day. I thought it would make me feel satisfied and full, but it didn't. I do crave sweets sometimes, tho. I asked my husband, in bed, did I eat too much today? Then I realized just how pathetic a question that was. He hugged me and said, no, I'm sure you didn't (my chubby little darling)(he only thought that last part). He's wonderful. He's working so hard. He only needs to lose 10 pounds or so.
Oh, and yesterday (AND today) I started the day with a cup of weak coffee, which totally KICKS MY ASS because I'm so unaccustomed to caffeine now. I suppose this is taxing my liver, but I swear, I work as a home-based book editor, and I cannot sit and read copy for three hours without a cup of coffee. Green tea doesn't do it at all. I need the caffeine. I even put a packet of liver-poisoning Splenda in it, and it tasted WONDERFUL. I sipped it all morning. I sipped it long after it went cold. I loved it. Life's elixir. I might lose weight and live longer without coffee, but it is REALLY LIFE?
I lay in bed for a couple of hours, unable to sleep. I try to enjoy that time, to think of all the times in my life I would have killed for two hours of uninterrupted "thinking time," relaxing, being myself. I meditated, sang songs in my head, tried to remember the names of my elementary school teachers. I tossed and I turned. I vowed to not drink coffee again the next day (but already have). My life is so blessedly empty now, and once it was so frustratingly full. But I guess balance is what I really need.
Today: I started with the rest of the trail mix. May God have mercy on my soul. I'm afraid to look at the package to see how many servings that is. Then I opened a SECOND package of trail mix, just dried fruits this time (BOGO at Winn Dixie) and made some oatmeal with just a little of the fruit, bottled water, and topped with Rice Dreams rice milk. It's easier than finding organic milk, and no cows are involved whatsoever. I noticed that Winn has Almond Milk, too, but that has cane sugar in it. I bet it's pretty good, tho. There's even a chocolate flavor. Mmmm.
I did get thru my shopping trip yesterday without buying one bad thing. That means I had to walk past the cranberry/pumpkin seed bread made with white flour. The butter rum muffins, made with cream cheese. The soda aisle, full of sugary and poisony bubbly quenchers. Straight past. I bought grapes, tangerines, bananas, those regrettable jalapeno peppers, rice milk, dog food and the roast chicken. Good girl. Good girl, Lassie. Good Lassie.
I feel thinner. As you might note, I'm not owning a scale or looking to buy one. I think if I stay on this diet I CANNOT FAIL to lose weight. It's only about 1200 calories a day, the only carbs are fruits and vegetables. Eggs, fat-free dairy, fish, olive oil, occasional nuts and seeds. Fruits and veggies. Can that possibly NOT make me lose weight?
I notice that if I eat something carby (I accidentally had a little square of health food store oatmeal cake which was sweetened with something, but only because a friend put it in front of me while I was distracted, on the phone at his house) then I'm starving for the rest of the day. It's not worth it.
It pains me to think how out-of-control my eating was. I was on the Anything At All That You Want diet. I was eating Wendy's burgers, even FRIES, Frostys, Chinese buffet once a week (TWO plates full, including the ice cream for dessert); munching on cookies at night. McDonald's sausage biscuits for breakfast. Then I ate potato chips once and was up all night vomiting. That was sort of the inspiration for this diet. I decided I just couldn't eat like that anymore. Plus, I had outgrown even my fat clothes, and I'm not in a financial situation to go funding a new wardrobe at this size. So I had to lose.
And it gives me something to be happy about every morning when I wake up. Today, I say, I will eat only what is on My Plan. Nothing refined. Nothing processed. I MUST be getting thinner. I can wear my favorite black jeans now, and they're even sort of baggy, but they're a size 24. My double chin seems to be shrinking, although I'm still huge by most people's standards. I don't care. I am what I am. I'm Popeye the Sailor Man.
I'm changing my eating habits, for good. This might be my last chance, or I'll develop fat-related ailments and then die. I already have high blood pressure, low thyroid, high cholesterol and depression. Maybe at my ideal weight I could stop at least taking the BP meds and the cholesterol statin stuff. I don't think my thyroid's coming back. And maybe, at my ideal weight, I'd like myself and my life and do active, fun things and not have to be depressed. Maybe. I have tried weaning myself down to 300 mg. Wellbutrin a day, but I'm not sure it's worth it. Not yet. It does make me somber and teary when I miss a dose.
Today I rode the exercycle on my front porch for 10 minutes, almost. It has been so long, the fan on the front wheel was kicking dust up into my face. I got that overheated, exhausted feeling that means "you're burning calories, girlfriend! You go!" I stayed on until it was the full 10 minutes (from the time I decided to ride, which means I might have lost a minute finding my shoes and stuff). Still. I stared at my cell phone clock the last two minutes, praying, come on, come on.
I came in and tried not to collapse on the bed, tried to walk around and do stuff to calm down, but then collapsed on the bed and talked to my parrot. I feel sooo tired from the exercise. BUT IT WAS A START! I could technically do 10 minutes twice a day, and that would be TWENTY MINUTES of riding a day. Then up to 15 twice a day, for THIRTY minutes total. That's actual freaking exercise. I would not be the sedentary dieter anymore, but the physically active, more activity/fewer calories kind of dieter. Imagine.
Oh, Imagine.
One more thing: my $10 worth of motivational subliminals. Buy two, get one free! I downloaded them from eBay. I got weight loss and confidence, and then the free "attract money" tape. It's someone mumbling in the background and the more audible sounds of rainfall and "distant thunder," which is actually sometimes closer than I'd like. I play all three on rotation in an endless loop as I sit at the computer, many hours a day. Because why not? Then I fall asleep listening to each one once. I need to set up the tiny stereo on my dresser, so my husband and I can listen to it without the eMachines computer's endless whirring whine in the background, as we fall off to sleep. I think we could both stand to be thinner, richer and more confident. But I just feel too tired to do that. And I have to see a client this afternoon. I want to nap.
I wish I knew what the downloads were whispering to me, but I am trusting that it's something POSITIVE.
Today I release my regrets. I realize that I did the best I could managing my food intake, and I didn't do well. But that was the past, and now I actually AM managing it well. It's under control. That can only help me. I release the past. I look forward to being slender and active. A new me!
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