mskestrela's Journal, 11 September 2016

Such an interesting scenario! Fully agree with everything everyone here has said. Glad you bounced back so quickly and fully after that break up with him last year. And you've come such a long way with your health goals!!! Personally speaking, despite being alone and sometimes lonely, TRUE love is worth the wait. All the best with your decision!!  

Thanks, @Kathleen and @Bliss. The funny thing is, I was shocked when he ended it, but not really hurt. Because when you live unconditionally, you take full responsibility for how you feel. And loving feels good. It doesn't depend on being loved back, or even being with the object of your attention. You just love, because Love is who you are. It took me long years, and a lot of self work to get there, but it was worth it. So, while I appreciate you SO much for your concern, I'm in a place where I pretty much CAN'T be hurt.  

Congrats on the loss! My two cents on your dilema, if you want to meet up with him to see if there could still be a friendship, then you should do it, but be sure that you aren't just being used to fill a void for him until he finds someone new. You are a good person and deserve to be treated as such! Best of luck on whatever decision you make :) 

Good decisions are the key to everything. 

good for you! He can be a friend but......be wary, he left once before..... 

Be very careful! Small steps in the relationship. 

Wish I could offer some great advice but it seems our friends have just about covered all angles. So I will offer a prayer that God gives you the gift of discernment. Have a blessed week. 

wow, Mskestrela, sorry I missed this yesterday! with each journal entry along the way, you and I seem similar. He sounds like he is a nice guy and since you understand your wants/needs/love issues etc. I think things will be fine. It is nice to have a friend no matter what. I also had this type of relationship with someone that knew my ex but I also knew his ex and we all were friends....well long story short or at least 'shorter' we dated many, many years ago (I've been divorced over 25 years) and he got to be too serious and it scared me, so I cooled it off a little. I tend to 'loose' myself in those types of relationships in the past....well we drifted apart but still I knew I could always count on him as a super friend and he/ me no matter what. We kind of made a pact that we would not allow any other relationships to distroy our friendship which we continued throughout him going out and me going out, even me getting engaged a few years back for about 9 months (Whew, am I glad I didn't get married to that one!) anyway. To this day we are super friends and sometimes we are a 'bit romantic' :-) but I also know he has a sometimes girlfriend....which may be cooling off. As far as me, I really am not looking for 'Mr Right" anymore but it is nice to have him as a super friend and I know if something does change and we want more, we can go that route. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is "Be true to you", don't loose yourself in any relationship or situation and feel good about your decisions. Sometimes we go through certain things in order to 'come back to ourselves' if that makes any sense! WOW we have to get together someday, You are a super person and I enjoy our friendship :-) OH, and I also know about the 'foodie' thing. He was a tiny bit overweight years ago, but now he can eat almost anything and work it off! So also us going out does go around food sometimes! EEEKKK :-) 

I am not here to give advice, if you knew my experience with acceptance you would stop reading, but I believe in it. If you both enjoyed each others time, and it doesn't hurt more than benefit you to have him in your life then to me there is no harm, and there may be good, in having him in your life. God knows there are so few people I meet that I like enough to want to spend time with instead of my children and family, once they cross my path, I am eager to include them.  

@JMA, I know what you mean about our similarities! I would like to think that he and I can be that kind of friends. I've been perfectly content to live alone since my divorce in '97, and have always said that it would take someone REALLY special for me to want to make room in my life for him. He was that kind of special. We were uber-compatible, so much so that even when we first started dating, people thought we'd been married for years. It was that comfortable. He's also very generous. It turned out that his wife was a shopaholic, and...my size. So I got to shop her closets, and ended up with a new wardrobe, most with tags still attached. When he saw that all I had was an old TV (with a built-in VCR...LOL), one night when he was invited for dinner and a movie, he brought over a 42" flat screen TV, a Blu-ray player, and a selection of DVDs, as a gift. He took me on a cruise, and I had to stop him from buying me everything I admired in the shops. Like you, I've always tended to lose myself in relationships. But by the time I met him, I had grown, and consciously decided it wouldn't happen this time. And it didn't. I even danced naked in the rain one night in his back yard..just because it felt good. Even though he lives right behind his town's police headquarters! ROFL. He just went into the house and got me a towel. I shouldn't have been surprised when he broke it off. I knew he was uncomfortable with me saying I loved him, and after the cruise, he even told me that he was very confused and distressed that he didn't love me. He had thought that by being in the idyllic conditions of a cruise would be the tipping point for him, but it wasn't. For me, the saying, "It is what it is" isn't just a saying. It's a way of life, and as @Kimishoo says, acceptance is a huge thing. If you can't accept what is, you can't do anything to change it. He didn't break my heart, because my heart is filled with Love. For myself, for the world, and for all humankind. I will love, no matter what. 

You are an educated woman and I trust you will make the decision that is best for you. My thought is that maybe he did truly love you but was not ready or was scared to love someone so soon after losing his wife of so many years. I am a romantic and believe that love the second or third time around can be everlasting.  

Thank you for that @Kimberly. I have no expectations. I'm happy to have him back in my life under any terms he needs. If it's more, we'll see. If it's not, then he's a great friend to have. I'm not in a hurry, and have no agenda. 

you are sweet mskesterla! You ARE LOVE and that is wonderful. :-) I feel the similar, at this time in my life (62) I can finally 'feel & live free' kind of what I did as a kid. Life has its ups & downs and all arounds, but to be able to smile at least at 1 thing everyday is wonderful and it reminds me to LIVE and take the time to enjoy the living even at the times that try to bring me down.....I will not stay there! One fav saying I have now is LOVE LIVE & LOVE AGAIN, it is something that just came to me one time and means so much more than just being able to love, again...It means that even though there are things that are out there that bring us down and try to 'stomp' on us, we can love....we can live....and we can turn around or go up/down and continue to love....it is what helps me. 

I am new here and was scrolling through journals and I was compelled to read your jounrnal entry in its entirety. I don't know if it is a great idea to let someone whom you just described back into your life. There are too many red flags here. Perhaps this man needs counseling vs. romantic relationships or re-establishing friendships? If you two didn't have the history that you have and you just met and wanted to establish a platonic friendship, then that would be ok, BUT that isn't the case. He was married for a long time and I am sure he has a lot of issues to work through and he really doesn't need to be rekindling a relationship that he was iffy about the first time and ended. What makes things different this time? I don't know if I would of accepted clothing and things that were possessions of a deceased wife and him offering these things to you should be concerning. I know you stated you don't expect anything in return for your love, etc., but I can't imagine you wouldn't be the slightest bit hurt or upset if this friendship doesn't work out like the romantic relationship didn't. Why is he coming back now? ??? Time will tell. I think you are worth more than this. That's my point of view, but of course it is your decision. Good luck and all the best. 

@CC, thank you for taking the time to share your point of view! Believe me, those questions have entered my mind, too. I figure the only way they'll be answered is by seeing him, and finding out what he has in mind. And TBH, I want to see if I'm still attracted to him. It did take me a while to "fall out of love" with him, but it wasn't painful. I had shifted quite a few things around in my life to make room for him, and it just took a little while to shift back to my solitary ways. As many of my wise friends here have said, "You can never have too many friends." 

Amen to that Sistah!  

Well, I advised against it, but if you do fall in love, I want at least one butterflies in the tummy post. Being married, those moments are rare, and I like to enjoy them vicariously. :D