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Fear- it is time to face it.
Throughout this journey, I have lived with the fear that I will not be able to keep the weight I was losing off. It happened to me at least a couple of times before when I was a low carber. it happened when i tried other weight loss methods. I obviously have never been successful long term or I would not have started this journey once again. My concern has been, what makes it different now? Why do I think I can keep it off now?
One thing that I did is I did not start to exercise. I thought that if i could lose to a certain weight with only food changes, then it would be a weight i could expect to keep and if I wanted to tone up or lose more, then i could do it. My thought was that i would never keep up the exerise for the rest of my life but I could eat low carb forever.
That was not my only fear - i was also afraid that i could not keep up the low carb eating forever. I was afraid i would slowly slip into bad habits. I was afraid that even with low carb, I would start to gain as soon as I was not on a perfect induction plan.
I am now very concerned that my fear was justified. I got on the Wii and had gained 2 pounds. I know I have not been perfect these past couple of weeks. I have not been close to perfect. I have not had the water, I drank diet sodas, eaten sugar free ice cream, eaten power bars type things that are low carb. basically, I have done several bad things. But I have not eaten anything that was not sugar free or low carb in some way. I have not had pizza or bread or real sugar or anything that in my mind is totally bad. Still I gained 2 pounds. I had more exercise this last weekend than normal and I still gained 2 pounds. I have been very good the last 2 days and still I gained 2 pounds (who knows what it would have been on Sunday). At this point, I am overcome with fear and anxiety. I want to cry and scream and roll up in a ball. i would have been fine if i had stayed the same but to gain 2 pounds seems to be a confirmation of my fear.
I know that I can not eat this way forever. I have to be able to eat sugar free things and low carb fruits. I have to be able to drink a diet soda. I can count my carbs forever and I can stay away from sugar forever. But can I stay under 20 net Carbs forever with no allowance for processed low carb stuff ..... I don't think so.
i feel as if all I have done is for nothing. I feel scared and alone because i know other people are having success and not gaining the weight back. Some can even lose when they eat Atkins products and more carbs than I do. I was fine with not being able to lose quickly. I was fine with not being able to lose with Atkins products. but I am not fine with gaining just because i had some sugar free things.
I do not mean to be so negative. I really am not unhappy. I am not depressed. I am however very concerned with this weight loss journey. I just am at my wits end with all this. I can not possibly think about food as much as I have been for the rest of my life. My life is busy, my job is stressful, my time and brain power is limited. i KNOW that I am not the only one with these limitations. I am not whining about how tough life is. I am not making excuses. I am however trying to be honest and realistic. I do care about myself and I care about my health. I do consider myself to be important enough to eat well and live a more healthy life. But performing well at my job and in my life is also part of me. These things are me putting me first as well.
UUUGGHGHGHG. please just disregard all this crap. I am sorry to even have put it down. but I consider journaling to be for the good times and the bad times. I guess this is just a really bad time. I know that 2 pounds is nothing to worry about. I know that I can get it off pretty easy and that it could just be a TOM fluctuation. I know all of this. I just feel as if this 2 pounds is a manifestation of my fear. I will get back to work and get over it.
Diet Calendar Entry for 05 October 2011:
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1800 kcal
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Fat: 137.02g | Prot: 96.61g | Carb: 37.72g.
Breakfast: Coffee (Brewed From Grounds) . Lunch: sugar free chocolate pudding, Tomatoes, kiwi, cheese sauce, black eye pea, Broccoli Flower Clusters, Sliced Ham (Extra Lean) , feta, Chicken Breast (Skin Not Eaten), pepper rings, Original Dressing, egg. Dinner: New Orleans Andouille Smoked Sausage. Snacks/Other: water, water, water. more...
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 Comments
Elizabeth...really, 2 pounds??? That could be water retention...you are fine! I gained 12 pounds, but before that I was losing eating 50 grams of carbs a day, so I know I don't have to stay at induction levels forever. I do however, have to avoid the diet sodas (except on occasion), drink enough water, and avoid the processed foods (like protein bars). Eat whole foods...low carb fruits, cheeses (not a lot, just a little), drink your water, and continue to exercise. When you start expecting to fail, you are half way there...it is a self fulfilling prophesy! Hang in there, you're fine. It's been a rough summer for you, and you still managed to maintain, right, so just go with it...this too shall pass!
05 Oct 11 by member: ctlss
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Let's look at the bigger picture. Let's see what your weight loss is in one month, not just weekly. What you just wrote reminds me so much of my own struggles and fears. I always gave up. You are NOT giving up! I am not giving in to my own fears this time , either! I am wondering if through exercise you may have gained some muscle. Are you using a tape measure to measure your progress in inches lost.
05 Oct 11 by member: thinner120
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Thanks Stef. I know I am freaking out about nothing in a way. i guess it is just that i am being an immature baby. I want what i want and this gain is telling me I can't have it. I started back on Monday trying to be good with everything. Drink my water as much as possible and not drink a diet soda. not eat one of the bars and not eat anything that is off induction. I am sure the pounds will be gone on Sunday when I weigh in. It is not as if I am throwing in the towel and giving in to the gain. I am not going to let the fat win. I just am tired of thinking about it so much. I need to be able to relax my food choices and get back to living more normally. My fear is that i will never get to do that. I guess I am just wallowing in it today. Time to put my big girl panties on and get over it. My thinner self says it is time to put my Thong on and get sexy with it. :)
05 Oct 11 by member: esimnons
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Thin,
I do measure about once a month. And as you said, I am not quitting. i don't think it is muscle given that i don't actually exercise yet.
05 Oct 11 by member: esimnons
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Hi Elizabeth. I read your post, and I share some sentiments. However, I looked at your food journal and I can see why you are not losing. Do you see it? I don't think it is the sugar free products that are causing you problems; it may be that you are eating too much protein and cheese for your size and not enough veggies. You don't have the 12-15 net carbs of veggies and for some of us, that seems to be the ticket. For a test you should try limiting your cheese to 2 oz per day and limiting your protein to 4 oz per meal, then add in a low carb bar or treat and see how it goes. (Maybe you have done this). Also, your clories are a bit high; I know they say 1500-1800 but for some of us we should stay at the 1500 level.
Anyway, thank you for sharing what many of us feel. I do believe, however, that the Atkins science can work for you if you make a few adjustments. Hope this helps!
05 Oct 11 by member: F8thful1
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I would like to say congratulations on your accomplishments to date; you should be very proud. We all know what a struggle it is and if you are like me we have accepted this is going to be a daily struggle. We have to make the right choices each day and when the scales do not reward our efforts it can be pretty upsetting. However, when this happened to you instead of pigging out you vented on FATSECRET. This is the best place to vent, because you are now provided the support and motivation needed to continue on your goal. So, go get'em and hold your head high and think lean and mean...
05 Oct 11 by member: BeaugezD
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Now there is the Elizabeth that I know and love!!! Get those thongs out honey, and strut your beautiful stuff!!!!!
05 Oct 11 by member: ctlss
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I agree, PUT ON THOSE THONGS & STRUT YOUR STUFF BABY! I was wallowing in my journal today too...about 2 pounds...go figure? I was even wondering how many pounds I have lost multiple times, even since I started FS! That scale number has way too much power over us, that's what I say! Learning new habits is tricky, just when we think we got it...not exactly! But, you didn't run, you didn't hide, you didn't eat, you DID NOT give up. Did you get mad & frustrated, I think so, but that is OK. So, put on the thongs & have some fun!
05 Oct 11 by member: gg-girl
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Thanks guys. You all make me smile and I appreciate that. AND F8thful is correct - I don't get as much fresh veggies as I am supposed to have. I was getting even fewer but I have been making an effort to eat more tomatoes and that had helped me increase the number. I don't think it is the cheese or the calories or the amount of protien as I have been even worse over the past year and still lost. My plan today is to go to lunch with my grandmother so I will get a good salad in for lunch and will go by the store and get some lettuce for dinner also. That should help get the veggies in for today. I did not get breakfast at all this morning which is something I have been trying to make sure I did. But without it, the calories will be fewer for the day. I spent my time for breakfast venting here :) Thanks again.... I promise i am not going to jump off the WOE cliff. I may be on the precipice but unless my weight causes it to fall, I am hanging on for dear life. I am so thankful for FS and my buddies here. You guys really do make it easier to handle the ups and downs that we all go through.
05 Oct 11 by member: esimnons
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I think I could have written your journal myself over the last two days. You have expressed pretty much everything I have been thinking about since the weekend. I'm tired of thinking of food all the time, I'm afraid that when I relax and go past 25 net carbs I gain. I'm afraid I won't be able to keep my resolve for the years and years it requires without gaining. I was so afraid of carbs last week it took me two days to eat a banana (a small one) and I felt guilt over eating 2/3 of a banana in one day. Normal people aren't afraid of eating fruits and veggies. I just want to be normal. I don't want to obsess about everything I eat.
05 Oct 11 by member: icymaiden
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I agree with you ice.... I went to Ryans today for lunch and had a salad, baked chicken breast, some broccoli with a smidge of watered down cheese sauce on it and less than a serving spoon full of black eyed peas. I had about half a kiwi for dessert and a little sugar free chocolate pudding. I am over my total carbs in 1 meal. Normal people would say I ate healthy. Maybe they would eat salad with no dressing or with oil and vinegar dressing but overall, I had a healthy lunch. I drank water too. If I can't eat like this and lose weight or maintain my weight, i dont know what type of future is in store for me. I do realize this is my fear talking and that i can do this. But part of me wants to know if i really want to do this? I am sorry to put that in writing but there it is..... Maybe that is why I have not kept it off before... maybe the smaller size clothing and the sexy feeling that it gives me is just not enough. I hate that thought. I must banish it from my small brain. I am beginning to like the me I am finding again. I am getting better in many ways and i can actually see the change and improvement within me. The thought that I can't sustain this change is a really awful one. At this point, all I really want is to maintain this weight for a few months. maybe get past Christmas at this weight and then think about losing more. But I don't know how to do that under this condition. I hope that this next weigh in (Sunday) is back to normal and I can go back to trying to figure out how to go up the OWL ladder....
05 Oct 11 by member: esimnons
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hi sweetie! miss you - we need a phone call very SOON!
05 Oct 11 by member: sophie99
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