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Good morning buddies. Time for my weekly update, or at least that's how it's seeming anymore lol.
Over the weekend I repainted my kitchen. So I stayed busy with that. I did a good job of not ordering out, but I'm sure the donuts my husband brought home, and the twelve pack weren't helping my cause. I packed on a few extra pounds in February, eleven to be exact. I wasn't going to record it, but since I just told you I guess I might as well. I suspect a fair amount of fluid, and glycogen of course. We will see how quickly I can get back down. It's amazing how quickly I can put those pounds right back on, like it's nobody's business. Several things play into my emotional eating, stress being the biggest factor.
A couple weeks ago I went to visit my grandma and she made a point to question me on my weight. "So are you still working on your weight or no?" "What do you weigh now, have you lost any more??" It's relentless and it pisses me off. I spent some time analyzing why I get so upset about this. Here is what I came up with. When she starts bombarding me about why I'm not losing more weight my immediate thoughts are "I've lost eighty-six pounds, I haven't scored anything lower than a 98% through the entire first year of nursing school, I have a successful marriage and handle my own responsibilities... why isn't this good enough, when will I ever be good enough??" Of course with that realization I have to wonder why I have invested so much time and energy trying to be good enough by her (or anyone else's) standards... am I good enough for me? Am I not proud of what I have accomplished? Why do I need someone else to tell me when it's okay to stop, to slip up, to take a break? Instead I get so upset over not being good enough that I eat just to spite them. Like they will suffer any over my extra ten pounds. I am desperately trying to learn to deem myself good enough, successful enough, smart enough. To hell with what anyone else thinks, right?
Of course this probably stemmed from an entire childhood of not being good enough. I kind of lashed out in class the other day at another student. Let me explain. I dropped out of high school two weeks into my 9th grade year. Never went back. If anyone was ever made to feel like they were a failure who would accomplish nothing in life, it was me. Yet I went on to graduate the valedictorian of the Medical assisting program, and now am at the top of my class in nursing school. One of my fellow classmates (also a prior high school dropout) said something about struggling and another girl responded "see what happens when you drop out of high school?". I immediately jumped in "You want to know what happens? Absolutely nothing. I was the valedictorian of the MA program and I'll be the valedictorian of this one too." It was a rude a cocky remark, but I think it stemmed from my need to validate myself to others. Why should I care what her opinion is? That night we took a test on respiratory meds, I got 100% and more than half the class failed. I'm not the most popular girl, I get a lot of snide remarks along the lines of "you're so perfect" "everybody listen to Yolanda she's perfect" and it gets under my skin but I wont apologize for doing well. I work my ass off for this.
So anyway, over the weekend my husband told me he wanted to start eating better and exercising and wanted my support. I need to get back to healthy living also, so yesterday we went to the gym together. I am back to counting calories and trying to make better choices. This time it will stick. I have a picture of myself at 180lbs as the background on my phone for motivation. I deserve this, it's not about what anybody else wants, and I'm not going to allow my anxiety to make decisions for me anymore. 180 was good, I think I might reset my goal to 170 rather than 146. It's a good goal to reach this summer. Then I can go in ten pound increments until I'm where I want to be, or hell maybe even give maintenance a try for a few months. Balance is the one thing I have struggled to find, and honestly I think I really did myself a disservice by losing over one hundred pounds all at once. I don't think my body knew quite what to do when I had nothing but calorie deficits for over a year. 170 and break till fall sounds good to me.
Alright, I just wanted to check in and let you all know I'm still with you. Always :) Hope all is well with my buddies!
Diet Calendar Entries for 03 March 2015:
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1931 kcal
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Fat: 103.91g | Prot: 102.87g | Carb: 139.15g.
Breakfast: Great Value Wheat Sandwich Bread, Egg, Extra Virgin Olive Oil, Coffee-Mate Original Powder Creamer, Great Value Light Greek Nonfat Yogurt Vanilla. Lunch: Kraft Miracle Whip Dressing, Bumble Bee Solid White Albacore Tuna in Water (2 oz), Great Value Wheat Sandwich Bread, Yoder's Macaroni Salad. Dinner: Great Value American Cheese Singles, Flanders Beef Patties, Quaker Chewy Granola Bars - Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip. Snacks/Other: Kraft Natural Shredded Monterey Jack Cheese, Egg, Jimmy Dean Premium Pork Regular Sausage, Great Value Big & Flaky Crescent Rolls. more...
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2331 kcal
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Activities & Exercise:
Resting - 16 hours, Sleeping - 8 hours. more...
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 Comments
When you've accomplished so much and others insist on picking apart the one little thing they can clutch onto, that tells you a lot more about them than it does about you. You're a success story, Yo, no doubt about it. You've overcome so much and you're kicking ass in every aspect of your life - don't ever apologize for being awesome! And you know what? Sometimes, don't be humble about it either. Shout it from the rooftops! You're awesome! You go girl :)
03 Mar 15 by member: PepperMill
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Yes you are awesome and I'm proud of you just wanted to say that. Keep doing what you are doing because it sounds wonderful.
03 Mar 15 by member: maryann1262
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Love you, Yolanda! You consistently rise to life's challenges or setbacks and then do your best to kick butt. And you know what? That's enuf. You are an encouraging lesson in what we all need to know, that every day is not a perfect day but you've got to be willing to get back up and swing again. School, family, inlaws/outlaws, work, weight...keep swinging. It's hard not to feel selfish and arrogant when you're doing the right things for you. But guess what else? Your life is yours. Live It!
03 Mar 15 by member: LuC2
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Yolanda, You are a beautiful, successful young woman. Don't know why families and good friends can be our worst challenges but they are at times and some will always be. You are indeed a success story and anyone that either knew you before or sees your pictures can only agree. Those "voices" that hurt and are not supportive are usually jealous of your accomplishments...they want you to be like themselves, often miserable and judgmental. Not sure that your grandmother's motive might be and maybe it is out of pure love that she wants you to be happy and successful. Perhaps she is afraid that you wll slip...I am giving her the benefit of the doubt. But you are wise to ignore the voices and realize what you have accomplished. You are amazing as far as "this" grandma thinks, you are an inspiration to me!! I would be so proud to call you my granddaughter.
03 Mar 15 by member: 2227Gwen
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You are a strong beautiful person Yolanda! Good for you at being the top of your class - be proud and stand tall! As for the "not good enough" - I'm a lot older than you honey, and I've learned we will never be "good enough" - atleast in my family, and perhaps in yours. That's OK - everyone has there own road to follow and that includes our parents and our grandparents. They are human (like us) and thus have their own flaws - when I figured that out and that my Mom (in my case) was human and flawed like me, I was more able to understand, forgive and realize that I am good enough - to me - and that's what is important. You are "good enough" trust me - MORE than good enough. You go girl!
03 Mar 15 by member: FrankieBluEyes
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I have read your post in the past and I have to say that from what I have read you sound like a strong woman. The goals you are setting are great because you are creating less stress for yourself by losing the weight slowly. I'm glad that you and your husband can support each other in exercise and healthy eating. Having someone to support you is always best. By the way, you should be proud of those good grades.
03 Mar 15 by member: gingin40
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You are doing great, its hard not to let others who have no clue how hard it is to lose weight and keep it off to get to us, especially family. But next time this happens just remember you have this family that know you are doing great, you are being strong, that you are conquering mountains every day to support you.
03 Mar 15 by member: BrenIL1
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You are doing great with your nursing and way of life. Self-doubt is human nature, especially when we have been convinced by others that we are somehow "not good enough". I would like to think your grandma thought she was helping you. Seldom does that method help anyone. Keep being the wonderful person you are and don't worry about the bad things others say. Some might just want to bring you down to their level. You are a wonderful person, please convince yourself! We all know you are a wonderful person who is smart, dedicated and beautiful.
03 Mar 15 by member: kattay
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Sounds like you're getting your groove back! As for your Grandma, maybe she's trying to be encouraging, but it comes out discouraging. Like if she says, "are you still trying to lose weight," it really means, you can do this Yolanda, you've done it before. I think women of a certain generation were taught to speak this way because it's how they were spoken to. You are right that you need to be good enough for you, not everyone else. Who cares what size you are, are you happy with you? I think for me being healthy directly correlates to being happy, because when I've been healthy and done healthy things I'm much happier than when I overeat and lay on the couch. Your goal of 170 then maintenance is smart and I'm sure you'll get there. Release that warrior that we all know is in there!! I'm with you!
04 Mar 15 by member: mars2kids
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