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It's been almost a month since my last post and I wish I could say things are well ... they are definitely not! I fell off the no-carb wagon and I have been fighting to regain my footing. I feel like I have been comatose for almost a month.
The daily journaling was the first thing I sacrificed when things got busy in my life - I didn't think it would matter so much for me since I had over a year on the low-carb road - I was wrong! I didn't realize that journaling had become for me, one of the strongest aspect of my personal low-carb accountability. Even if I did not do it every day, doing it regularly kept me honest and kept me focused and kept me engaged with a community of like-minded souls! Without it, I could lie to myself and be in denial.
I don't want to make any excuses but I will say that I took my carb sobriety for granted. I thought that with over one year under my belt I had enough will power to keep me on the path. I felt so good, so healthy, so vital - I never thought I would jeopardize that. I never thought it would happen to me - falling off the wagon. But you cannot underestimate addiction - it's always waiting for an opportunity, just a small crack, to seep back into your life and take up as much space as it possibly can.
The whole thing was so insidious - I was deeply off-track before I actually admitted it to myself. It started "innocently" enough with a pre-Christmas taste of a traditional sorel drink that my husband makes for the family. It is high in sugar and ginger wine. It was a small taste and I should not have had it. It went from that to other things that I have long resisted and thought I conquered. A little taste here and a little taste there. Some things I resisted completely (swiss chocolates), and other things I just straight up succumbed to without even a thought (the carb tractor-beam effect!). I did not have enough respect for my carb addiction, although if you asked me a month ago, I would have said that I did.
The conditions for going off the rails were perfect. My kitchen renovation was extremely stressful and much longer than I expected. I did not have a fully functioning kitchen until Dec. 22 when the stove was installed. The countertop was not installed until Dec. 19th. Until that time, I was having a lot of takeout (egg, chicken, pot roast, salads, steamed veggies). I had gotten completely sick of takeout meals - it had become monotonous because I was eating the same meal rotating every few days for several weeks (very restricted because there isn't a lot of low carb takeout easily available). I became completely frustrated and stressed with the chaos of the renovations - it started to affect the flow of my creative juices so I struggled with my PM content writing and worked hard to receive just "trickles" for my effort. My dear husband and sweet daughters were getting on my nerves with the whining .... "when will this be finished?" - as if I was not suffering too! After the first week of December, I was so busy and crazed I didn't even make it to yoga classes! I started drinking less and less water and more and more coffee! Stopped weighing after December 7- another thing I never thought would happen since the scale had been my daily companion as of October 2013 when I started on this road - I only missed weighing when I travelled but I was super-focused. I became more and more agitated, stressed, miserable, unmotivated, pity-pot sitting, neglected myself, stopped listening to my inner-voice, stopped living in the moment, forgot myself and therefore forgot my journey.
"Those who forget history, are doomed to repeat it"! It is so critical not to forget where you have been and the battles it took to get where you are now - I lost sight of that and fell right into my old ways. I am trying to regain my footing now. I cannot allow myself to weigh just yet ... I have to admit, I just don't want to see those numbers - the numbers I eroded in a few short weeks. I feel it though .. the weight gain! I see it ... yes, it's sitting on my stomach and it winks at me knowingly when I dare to look at it naked - as if we are old lovers. It hurts in my joints and my ankles! The bloat is everywhere - sausage like fingers and toes. It gives me anxiety to think of how easy it was to watch what I've worked so hard for fall apart in a few short weeks. I won't dwell here - there is shame in this and so I need to move on before it takes hold of me. I don't want to do anymore damage than what's already been done. I am licking my wounds now. In a couple of weeks, I will face the scale. When I am stronger. In the meantime, I will rebuild those personal walls that have fallen. I will track and go back to eating well - eating the foods that are so good for me. Drinking water and being good to myself. Yoga and positive affirmations. Most of all, I won't forget my history - so I will reread my journal from beginning to end and revisit my friends on their journeys - there is power in community (I will remember that too!).
Diet Calendar Entries for 03 January 2015:
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1326 kcal
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Fat: 120.26g | Prot: 34.00g | Carb: 24.45g.
Breakfast: Nutiva Organic Extra Virgin Coconut Oil, Coffee, Whipping Cream, Dole Colourful Coleslaw. Lunch: Lean Italian Beef Meatballs, Grated Dry Cheddar or American Type Cheese. Dinner: Silk Pure Almond Milk - Unsweetened Original, Nutiva Organic Extra Virgin Coconut Oil. Snacks/Other: Dry Roasted Unsalted Almonds, Water. more...
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2545 kcal
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Activities & Exercise:
Housework - 1 hour and 30 minutes, Resting - 14 hours and 30 minutes, Sleeping - 8 hours. more...
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