jsfantome's Journal, 30 April 2011

Feeling like I need to journal. A thousand and one things floating through my mind...and aside from my loving hubby (who is sleeping at the moment), I have no one to talk to!

That seems to be at the heart of the issue. I am feeling sad, and out of sorts these days. Part of it, is this is the time of year - that 3 years ago, I had to drop everything in my life - jump on a plane, and spent the next 4-5 months in Alabama.

Both of my parents got progressive very ill at the same time. My Dad died in May of 2008, and my Mom underwent her second heart-valve transplant, then just before his death, suffered a major stroke.

To say the least, my world was turned upside down.

I lost my job during this time. (worked for a very small start up company) And they just could not afford to keep my job open for me. Once I had been there for about 4 weeks, and my Dad had passed away, my Mom was in ICU after the stroke - and I was faced with planning his funeral - they called to say they just couldn't wait any longer and had replaced me. (literally, the day after my Dad died.)

Well, the good part of that is I was now free to stay in Alabama, and take care of my Mom. I have two sisters and a brother - and although they came while Dad was dying, stayed through the week and the funeral, ultimately they all had to say goodbye and head home to their own respective jobs.

I never thought when I got on that first plane that I would be gone for 4 1/2 months... but then no one ever does! Life just happens, and you have to deal with it.

I knew when or if my Mom ever got out of the hospital, rehab, and more rehab, ... she would never be able to live alone again. So, my hubby and I decided to renovate the downstairs Den in our home and turn it into a bedroom suite for my Mom. By the end of August my Mom was finally being discharged from Rehab, and cleared to travel by car. She was really in sad shape back then. Barely able to walk, using oxygen, a Bi-Pap machine, Nebulizer treatments every 4 hours, un-Godly amounts of med's ... Just thinking back to that move makes me chuckle. It took us 6 days to drive from Alabama to Massachusettes. (two years later, when my Mom was much stronger and off all that stuff, we traveled back to Alabama to visit her sisters... and that only took two days!) She can no longer fly... ever... so we are limited by car.

Any way... the main reason I am feeling so sad - is because I was thinking back to getting on that first plane, just days before my Anniversary - days before a planned Surprise Dinner Event for my husband. I had planned a surprise party to celebrate - as he was graduating from 5 years of night school, it was his birthday, and our anniversary! (mostly the party was for his school accomplishments.)

38 people as guests in my girlfriends home. Catered. Live Entertainment. The works. And I missed my own party. My husband and kids went - (it was all paid for - as I left just 2 days before the party) - and it was still a surprise and everyone had a great time. But it dawned on me this past week as I was thinking about it, that besides my husband and kids... not ONE person has remained in my life since I brought my Mom here to live with me.

I am close friends with one woman here in my world, and she is the mother to 4 teenagers! We see each other almost daily at my 17 yr olds school, visit, chat, etc... but rarely get the opportunity to ever do anything together. Very rare. So we are close. But boy do I miss having 'girlfriends'.

Either everyone else is at work during the day, or their family lives are so busy etc, we've just slipped away from ever seeing each other... but there were 3-4 'close' friends at that party, including the woman whose home it was hosted in... and I have never even heard from them since coming home with my Mom.

They all used to attend the same church as my husband and I, and during the time I was gone, these same 4 couples left the church. Each at different times, for different reasons ... but never to be heard from again.

It's odd. I went from having a full life w/ my family, a good job, personal girlfriends I would do things with, couples my husband and I would go out and do things with... to nothing, no one... it's as if I got on a plane and 4 1/2 months later everyone I knew had just ceased to exist. (not really, just what it feels like.)

I don't want to be hurt about it. Or angry. It is what it is... and while I am not looking to re-connect with these people, I would like to have 'friends' in my life. I miss that. I feel isolated here at home w/ my Mom, day in and day out, and a lot like the Mom of a toddler again. That new Mom feeling where you have no one 'adult' to talk to all day... then yack your husband's ear off the minute he walks through the door! LOL!!! Been there, done that! And really don't want to be doing that again at this time in my life.

I can't really go back to work, I need to be home w/ her during the day - she needs help to get dressed, can't cook for herself, etc... and I can't afford to hire someone in 5 days a week.

Just needed to vent! Who knows what the future holds, or even how long my Mom will continue to do well. Perhaps I can focus on my hobbies, or exercise, etc... but I get lonely.

I think that might just be why I come here almost every day. I get to connect with real, loving, kind, human people!

Thanks for your support! Much Love.