WisteriaSky233's Journal, 16 March 2022

You can’t control what other people do and you shouldn’t make it about it. Not being involved in the situation and from what you share it sounds like he’s obviously stressed and has something going on personally. 

But he makes me angry by his poor choices which will kill him. 

Hi Sky, maybe check out a program for you to attend. I had to do it for myself, not for smoking but it really doesn't matter what the addiction is. It helped me immensely, although at first I wondered why I needed to get help ;)  

I have anxiety but I don't have addictions. One of the reasons I am angry at him is because he made a big deal about quitting before then recently turned on me to where I robbed him of his personality and identity. It MAKES ME FURIOUS at him.  

marriage counselor I think would be the best solution.  

@Little Red Fox Yes, we had a session with the pastor last wednesday and there was a compromise made and to leave it be for a month or so but I'm finding it very hard to leave it be until next month. Because besides him slowly killing himself he is not sleeping in the same room and it is making me distance myself from him even more.  

I think going to a therapist or counselor, alone and/or together, might be the way to go. To help you get unstuck on these constant thoughts you are having. These thoughts are harming you, more than others right now. I pray you can find some mental relief. 

It is no different than what most people here on FS are dealing with. They know their weight is an issue, people have tried for years to get them to do something about it, they have been dieting for years without success. No amount of begging, pleading badgering, encouraging helps. Your only choice is what you are going to do about it and getting a handle on your fears.  

That is another fear is that my distaste will only make him more unpleasant about it but I don't want to pretend I'm ok with something I'm not. I feel lied too even though he was upfront about it. More that he "quit" to marry me and now I'm trapped with him. My anger is simmering. I'm glad he is working more because I'm so hurt by his actions.  

I don't know if I can live with this long-term. I am already contemplating leaving but feel unable too at the moment.  

Sorry Sky, I didn't express that properly. I meant a support group for you to help you deal with 'his' addiction. That's what I had to do and it did help me a lot. 

It sounds like you love him very much and work seems to be very stressful. Have you talked to him about possibly vaping so there is no smoke or maybe finding a different job? I’ve been reading your posts. It’s so sad how bad you’re hurting. Hope it improves. If you leave him your time together will most definitely be cut short. 

@Zanly I have been leaning on friends and church people in the meantime but it has been awful indeed. And he sees no issue in it so that MAKES IT MUCH WORSE. I'm outdone and spinning. Meanwhile stress is dangerous too. 

@Shake Those Pounds True on leaving. I just feel helpless in this and the church counseling only helped a tiny bit because my mind spins and because on Sunday when he wasn't at work he ran off to smoke and fish and that was a slap in my face. 

One of my daughters smokes. I can't convince her to quit - she has to decide that for herself. Let go of the smoking behavior - its a way for him to relieve stress - and keep yourself healthy. Tell yourself what you are grateful for and continue to rely on your friends and family. Get out to walk, drink water, eat healthily. You have a future - be patient. 

@NebWoman I wish he had not caved or pretended to want to quit before. I feel betrayed. 

You have to see that your anger and fixation on his addiction is not improving the situation for either of you. You are currently in a race to see who dies first. Him as a result of the smoking and stress or you as a result of distracted existence and stress. You need to seek mental health care and get your mind straight before you can make any logical decisions. That you're living separate lives together is stressful but may be the best way for now. You went to counseling that you both agreed upon. You made an agreement that you are not upholding. You need to work on your anxiety and what you can honestly commit to with a mental health provider.  

For better or worse- in sickness and in health. Sleeping separately is making things worse. I have no doubt.  

@Slyone22 if you have nothing to say that's nice stay off my page!  

WisteriaSky233, wow I'm so sorry!! That sounds really tough!!! It's obvious that you care deeply for your husband!! I may be wrong, but I don't think Slyone22 was trying to be mean!!! Sometimes in these situations it's hard to know what to say. A lot of people want to help fix the hard things in everyone's life, and sometimes their insight/advice comes across as mean♥️ I'm so sorry you are so stressed right now! Are you attending personal counseling sessions? I don't have a husband, much less husband issues, but I have snuck a lot of my mom's marriage books, and I would suggest as hard as it is, try really hard to find SOMETHING positive to compliment your husband on in the next 24 hours. It sounds like he really does care that you are devastated by his choices, but he is struggling from addiction. I'm praying for you right now!!!! ♥️