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I saw a automobile tag on a car the other day when I was coming out of Publix (grocery store), and it caught my eye. It was decorated with some simple painted flowers, and it read: "Live Out Loud". I loved it!
It got me to thinking (and no I didn't blow any circuits LOL) about just how much of my life has quietly been lived behind the curtain of depression, uncertainty and self-consciousness. In my adult life at work and in public, I have always tried to present myself as a strong, confident woman who is not afraid of anything. In truth, I often was the antithesis of these traits, and when I was alone with my own thoughts I often collapsed under all of the weight of the charade. I turned to unhealthy coping mechanisms, and engaged in unhealthy behavior.
In time those unhealthy habits caught up with me, and ended up losing everything I had worked so hard for. I sunk to new lows I never even knew were possible. My once strong persona had shrivelled up to an insipid, wretched mess. My voice that was so full of confidence was now almost completely silent. I had my moments, but bit by bit I steadily continued to withdraw into my own little world that was NOT out loud at all.
During this time I probably gained at least 100 pounds (and I was already overweight) from drinking too much and eating really bad food, and even though I am a really good cook and KNEW how to prepare healthy meals, a stop at the drive-through was an everyday occurrence. So couple this with almost zero exercise (as I said before, I did have my moments), and I had conjured up a recipe for life that took me up to almost 320 pounds.
I am not proud of those days and it's very hard to divulge but I must get it out in the open so that I can continue with my life's transformation, my mission, my goals, and my salvation. It is happening. One day, one tear, one shared grief, one laugh at a time.
I AM living out loud. I am shouting it out for all to hear! And I intend to be as loud as I can be. LOVE LIFE, it can be so very good.
Peace.
Diet Calendar Entries for 16 April 2011:
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1459 kcal
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Fat: 34.30g | Prot: 75.75g | Carb: 228.25g.
Breakfast: Oikos Organic 0% Fat Greek Yogurt, banana, crunchy granola bar oat, half and half, coffee. Lunch: Tiny Twist Pretzels, Mini Babybel Light Original, Braeburn Apple. Dinner: mushrooms, Healthy Colors, red bell peppers, brown rice, Onions, celery, publix black beans, Roasted Broiled or Baked Chicken Breast (Skin Not Eaten). Snacks/Other: planters nut mix, Low Fat Honey Graham Crackers, peanut butter, green grapes. more...
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3893 kcal
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Activities & Exercise:
Exercise machine (slow) - 10 minutes, Walking (exercise) - 3.5/mph - 45 minutes, Resting - 11 hours and 40 minutes, Stretching (yoga) - 15 minutes, Housework - 3 hours, Running (jogging) - 5/mph - 10 minutes, Sleeping - 8 hours. more...
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 Comments
This is so amazing to me! And inspirational! I have almost an identical story! When you wrote about the way you portray yourself, but the reality of the portrayal! I always show this confident persona, this person who does not get shaken easily, and loves life and what everything has to offer. I am told by multiply people how they love and respect by confidence, self worth, and persistance. In reality my confidence and self worth is nonexsistent. Persistance, well maybe I have that, but that is a new development. I recently decided these yo-yo weight changes and the way I live and view my life NEED TO STOP, and have embarked on the healthy living train! Your post has touched my heart! Thank you so much for posting! I will too, learn to LOVE LIFE and LOVE OUT LOUD! Thank you again!
16 Apr 11 by member: Motivated143
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Thank you so much for your very kind reply. The truth is, I really AM that confident person, and I suspect you are as well; but I just got really lost for a while. Sometimes I think that fat people try extra hard to project confidence to give others the idea that "I might be fat but I am comfortable with it." Persistence is key, I am soooo glad you used that word in your reply. If you are struggling, but are persistent, you eventually will win. Serial dieting ain't for the weak of heart, sistah! It can be done. Find and use every single weapon and tool you have to help you win the war. It is a life's journey, and welcome to it! Take care.
16 Apr 11 by member: AuntieJan
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Thank you! And I do believe that is exactly the reason why I try to project confidence! Because I know what I look like and that i am fat, and I know what some people think of me, and I hear what people say about me when I walk by! And I try to project that confidence to make it seem "Go ahead talk all you want, I'm fat and still comfortable and love myself" When in reality I feel like I want to explode. I am told by family and friends that they see the confidence I have even if I don't, but I 100% do not feel it at all. Sometimes I feel differently and feel confident, but then I walk by a mirror or remember how big I am, or try to do little things like small people can do and then I can't because of my size and remember how big I am. At that moment I feel so belittled and so tiny and utterly humilated. I am trying my hardest to change all of the above. I am trying to utilize every weapon and tool I can find! I think this site is excellent and great for me. It holds me accountable for everything. And has been teaching me so much! Thank you again.
16 Apr 11 by member: Motivated143
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Thank you so much for the heartfelt post today. Words on the page hold such strength and lend themselves to a healthier you!
16 Apr 11 by member: HealthyBabs
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Thanks Babs, it was from the heart and I feel stronger each day because I'm allowing it to just come out. It's like a tap has turned on and won't shut off. LOL!
16 Apr 11 by member: AuntieJan
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Jan, keep that tap open and let the words flow strongly and loudly. You are healing yourself and giving hope and inspiration to those who need it. Thank you for sharing the beautiful, generous, humorous person that you are. You are a truly amazing lady!
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I will keep it open, Pam, thank you for the ego boost! To me, this is what it's all about, a mutual sharing of support. As I've said before, and undoubtably will again :O), if telling my nightmare of living with depression and subsequent fight to climb out will help just one person, then I have won another battle against it. Hope you're having a good weekend! GB
16 Apr 11 by member: AuntieJan
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AuntieJan-Isn't it strange how just a few simple words can evoke such emotions. I really appreciate you sharing your experiences with us. May you continue to LIVE OUT LOUD.
17 Apr 11 by member: BuffyBear
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I will, Buffy, and thank you... I feel like I'm making up for a bit of lost time. It has been a while since I did any writing, especially of a personal nature, but now I feel compelled to write every day. I am also keeping random thoughts in a private journal on my laptop and some of that sometimes spills over to my journal here. It is true that the pen can be mightier than the sword!
17 Apr 11 by member: AuntieJan
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