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I feel oddly depressed today.
But not at the same time, I'm not sure why, it' kind of like this phase in phase out thing. Swimming was nice, the girls commented on my weight loss, but Its kind of like a blink of happiness, I still want to lose more. And now slowly, the shame inside of me that I use to feel for feeling fat is going away, and it's being replaced by wanting to be thinner, more and more.
Like a growing need that I hope leaves once I reach my goal weight.
I'm thinking about styling my own clothes now, and I have enough confidence to wear clothes that I wouldn't have otherwise if I wasn't ..the size I am now. But I still want more.. more more more and more.
To lose.
Like, the faster I see myself shrink the more I feel like i'm changing into this person I want to be. It makes me want to try harder on other things that benefit me. Like school and it also motivates me to do other things, like find a job, save money, get a good car.
Is it pathetic of me to keep pressing forward just because i'm losing weight? Does that make me a vain person? I can smell the nicotine on my lips still from my last cigarette, ever time I smoke I can see the gorified image of my blackening lungs in my mind. But I ignore it and take another drag as I go. I keep thinking about this one thing that this one chick put in her journal, like the more she loses she's leaving a whole person behind.
I think about that sometimes but I mean, doing this now I've never been more aware of myself. Like I've always been thinking about other people, how I would be accepted how I would be liked, and now I'm doing this more for myself. And sometimes I can't seem to think about anything else. But it's for me, to satisfy me, not doing something for someone else so they'll like me. And it wasn't even remotely romantic.
Ionno, maybe I am depressed. I don't feel it now though. In fact I've never really felt happier than I remember. Cept when he was in my life. Like whatever form of virginity I had left that he took he also took something else. Man I don't even feel like I know what i'm talking about now. I even feel guilty when I play back some of my supposed happy memories.
It's like i've replaced drinking with my on going obsession with weight loss. Like a new form of self destructive tendencies that are somewhat more attractive. Does that make any sense? Does any of this make any sense? My current boyfriend, I feel it sometimes when I say I love him, but other times I feel like it's just some automated response, like I don't mean it half of the time when I say it.
The very last time when there was a misunderstanding and we broke up I felt a sort of relief. Tremendous sadness but relief somewhere in there, because then I wouldn't have to lie anymore. About myself and what I was doing. Like I wouldn't have to let him know about every aspect of myself, to the point of where he'd even know how I feel about me.
I do love myself. I do.. I just never really allowed myself to see myself as a person before. Just kind of what people validated me. I guess that why i become surprised whenever people tell me I'm an interesting person. Ack, I feel pathetic. My biggest fear is no matter how much I change myself, I'll always feel worthless, to myself. And I'll always see that, for me. I don't want to, I want to change how I feel, I want to change how I think, about everything. How I judge people, how I judge everything and everyone before I notice.
Blah... @_@, I keep asking myself the same questions every fucking time. I want to change.. but I feel like I'm still the same person, like I'm doomed to be me. Aren't you suppose to reach a point where you like yourself? Even a little. I'm getting older and older, and I'm still acting the same.
Diet Calendar Entries for 22 April 2009:
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1962 kcal
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Activities & Exercise:
Desk Work - 1 hour, Stretching (yoga) - 1 hour, Walking (moderate) - 3/mph - 30 minutes, Swimming (moderate) - 35 minutes, Resting - 12 hours and 55 minutes, Sleeping - 8 hours. more...
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