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I did very well over the weekend and stayed withing 50 cals of my RDI for the day. RDI was 1300 cals which is quite quite low. i cant still seem to get my mind around eating MORE to weigh less.
But today I ate a piece of DELICIOUS chocolate cake from Charly's. I gave the 2 muffins to the kids and shared at least half the cake with them. So while I do feel a bit guilty, I am also OK with the fact that I didnt stick to my 1300 cals, but went to like 1800, which is still below maintenance for me.
All the online guides tell me I shud be eating 1800 cals to lose weight, 1600 if Im not exercising but its such a HUGE number for me. Im still in that binge or starve mindset and its really an emotional and physical rollercoaster. Its the bulimia mindset.
While I havent purged. And WONT! I still feel the emotional scarring. My body reacted really badly to that cake today. And the funny thing is that I KNOW im hurting myself. I just need to stop wanting to punish myself with food. Bcos that is what I do. I punish myself with food. Food is supposed to be nourishment and fun and love. Its Mommy issues of course.
Im feeling so lethargic and demotivated this last week or so. I dont know if its because I found out an ex is engaged or bcos Im 365 - 7 days from turning 40 or if its bcos Im closing down the company and moving hte office is more emotionally traumatic than I thought it would be... or if its just an accumulation of all these things.
I need to get back to the gym but I've decided to give my body a rest from the intense physical exercise, especially after the food torture of last week.
Still cant believe I literally ate myself sick. I want to get beyond this. I wonder if I should go for hypnosis again.
I would love to chat some more, but I need to pray and study. Have an assignment due.
And then my friend C asked me to help her move and I was so annoyed that she just dropped by uninvited. She could have called. And that she asked. And I feel bad that I said no. And yet I am annoyed with myself for being annoyed and saying no. I just cant be available for people when they want me to. Why does that make me feel bad?
Time to take the St Johns Wort again? I might be mildly depressed. I think its the news re C that pushed me over the edge. And the heat. And ... and... and... petrol prices and this upcoming holiday. Plus i had a really kak birthday w/e... got no rest, no relaxation and no sleep. And overate. Whcih made me feel horrid.
How do I learn to be more good to myself?
Anyway... pray and study... tonights agenda.
All very exciting :D
Diet Calendar Entries for 28 February 2011:
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1756 kcal
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Fat: 64.63g | Prot: 109.49g | Carb: 181.50g.
Breakfast: Fruit Yogurt (Lowfat, 11g Protein Per 8oz), Oats, Milk (Nonfat), Bananas. Lunch: Lamb Chop (Lean Only Eaten). Dinner: oil, rice, green beans, lamb, baby spinach, onion, carrots, tomato. Snacks/Other: Pure Protein IGF-1. more...
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1932 kcal
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Activities & Exercise:
Yard Work (gardening) - 1 hour, Driving - 3 hours and 40 minutes, Resting - 11 hours and 20 minutes, Sleeping - 8 hours. more...
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