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Soooo yesterday was kind of a bust and I ended the night feeling really bad about myself. But then I realized, did I really binge? No. I mean, yes my portions were out of control (three cups of fro yo anyone?!?!) but at least it was nonfat fro yo and not a pint of Ben and Jerrys (hello lover...). And I realized even that made me feel sick. Didn't do anything crazy like I might have in the past - purged or worked out for a ridiculous amount of time. Just went to bed. On the one hand, that made me feel super in control - I made a conscious decision not to react the way my instincts were telling me. But on the other hand, I felt like I had zero control and that really scared me. I had binged on fro yo (!) and couldn't do anything about it. Not only could I not resist the food earlier in the night but then I couldn't get rid of it the way I wanted to. Not a great feeling.
So I am going to take back control in other ways. That sounds super creepy and ED like but I don't think that's what I'm talking about. Instead of feeling as though I have no control after a binge, why not maintain that control during food time? I know that's the most obvious statement in the world but I think it will help me to just write it out. There are other ways to control things than in an ex post facto sort of way, when the damage is already done. I think it will be soothing to control from the beginning. I'm not going to go super crazy because I've done that too and the recovery is horrible, the results are painful, and it doesn't make me happy. But I'm seeking balance right now to get out of a weird wind tunnel of no control and no sense of balance.
I guess this rambling probably doesn't make a lot of sense to people who might be reading it but it's resonating with me. I'm frustrated by my actions yesterday, proud that I didn't take them farther, and know that I will still get that soothing, "Ah, I'm in control," if I control myself before a binge rather than after. Deal? Deal.
Diet Calendar Entries for 17 February 2011:
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1333 kcal
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Fat: 33.28g | Prot: 46.90g | Carb: 209.59g.
Breakfast: Milk (Nonfat), Iced Brewed Coffee (Venti). Lunch: wonton soup, walnut, low fat yogurt. Dinner: cookie dough, Pinkberry, Au Bon Pain tomato soup. more...
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2181 kcal
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Activities & Exercise:
Circuit Training - 25 minutes, Bicycling (fast) - 15/mph - 35 minutes, Resting - 15 hours, Sleeping - 8 hours. more...
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