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It has been a REALLY long time since I have been on fatsecret.com. I so despreately need to be back I wiegh 216 pounds which is only 2 pounds lower than my heaviest wieght about 10 years ago. I want to say I dont know how this happened but the reality is I do. I got way to comfortable, stopped caring about what I was eating and let the stress and overwhelmingness of life and change overcome me. I comforted my self with food and lost control AGAIN. I was reading my past journals and I feel really scared by them becasue they show me that I can have certain thoughts in my mind but my actions dont match at all. My thoughts are real and true but for whatever reason I cannot seem to connect them with my behavior. So, Im here again 216 pounds I still cannot believe I let myself get there, but I did. The only positive in this wieght gain is that if I compare how I feel about myself today at this wieght to 10 years ago at the same wieght I can honestly say that I have really grown to love myslef in a way I never thought I could and I am grateful for that. When I wieghted this wieght before I use to dress like an old women in big baggy clothes, no makeup and my hair up always up. Today, I have a funky looking haircut that sometimes I love and sometimes I hate, I dress alot better, and I wear makeup almost everyday. That shows me that I care about how I look and how I present myself and that is really importatn. Now I need to just really begin to make the sacrifices necessary to get healthy and stay healthy. I need to do this for me because I dont like the way being overwieght makes me feel. My skin does not look as healthy, my hairs not as shiny and I constantly have tummy issues and Im teaching my kids bad eating habits. This has to stop here, I need to change my life I dont want to spend the rest of my life eating the way I do and gaining and losing wieght. I want to lose what I need to lose and just be a normal eater I want to be healthy not skinny, and i want my kids to be healthy too. So here I am again, please pray for me because whatever this sickness is inside me can only be healed by GOD and I feel very distant from him right now and its only because I am choosing my desires over my relationship with HIM and I dont want to do that anymore. I want to be closer to HIM, I want to love me and I want to be healthy.
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