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There are a bunch of things rolling around in this head of mine. I've been searching for answers and working through some of my issues.
For starters - I am not a quitter! (oh, I know... I fell HARD off the wagon!) But I am back - and working through it!!! It's weird that a few years ago (when I had no experience w/ Low Carb) - I saw people who wrote over and over again..."I did Atkins years ago...then fell off the wagon...and all the weight came back" - and I swore up and down THAT would not be me!!!
So why did that become ME!?
I didn't realize how sensitive our emotions, life events, stress, depression, etc... are - to this particular way of eating, for me anyway. I never really thought too much about the 'why' of being fat - when I had dieted in life before. (Before FS.)
And when the sensitive life events happened to ME - I crumbled. Ok, a lot worse for the wear...but coming out the other side. I have forgiven myself for GIVING UP! But it doesn't make it that much easier when you look in the mirror each morning. :)
So how did I expect to hurdle over this common issue of falling off the wagon WITH NO experience or idea what that was all about.
For starters... I lived in denial during this entire period of time - that I really wasn't eating 'that bad'. The majority of my food intake was still built (around) a low carb menu... sort of. And then I would have something (fill in the blank) that didn't belong.
Remember the Sesame St. song...one of these things is not like the other...one of these things just doesn't belong!
In my head I thought I'm still eating the way I always have (w/ an occasional treat!) HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Had I stepped on a scale during this time, I would have realized the damage I was doing. But OH NO... I wouldn't want to burst the delusional bubble I was in. Then I couldn't continue to do this.
Depression is a sickness...in more ways than one.
And did anyone here at home or at church SAY ANYTHING to me about it? NO. No one.
Hmmm?
Now that I am feeling better, stronger, clearer-headed... I am literally excited about this part of the journey. Blindsided by my own stupidity - I am learning. And learning was my #1 goal the first time around!
Guess I have reached my first BIG milestone!~
Much Love.
Diet Calendar Entry for 16 August 2013:
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987 kcal
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Fat: 71.80g | Prot: 66.03g | Carb: 8.63g.
Breakfast: Lower Sodium Smoked or Cured Bacon, Eggland's Best Extra Large Grade A Eggs, Coffee (Brewed From Grounds). Dinner: Cardini's Caesar Salad Dressing, Parmesan Cheese (Shredded), Kroger Romaine Hearts, Beef Bottom Sirloin (Tri-Tip Roast, Trimmed to 0" Fat). more...
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 Comments
It is a journey and we learn from it. I was in a little 'bubble' myself. Thought I was 'maintaining' for awhile. I caught myself at a 5# gain and then vacation with my daughter added 5 more#......that shows what carbs can do for me....5 nights and 6 days eating like a lot of people eat regularly and I gained 5#. I wasn't eating crazy just eating foods that I normally wouldn't. Great journal!
16 Aug 13 by member: jaime30024
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thanks jaime...have an awesome day!
16 Aug 13 by member: jsfantome
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Well done, Paula. Have a great day. Keep up the great work.
16 Aug 13 by member: Helewis
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What could anyone at church have said - excuse me Paula, have you looked in a mirror lately? No, too unkind. They knew you had just lost your mum, they likely knew you were unhappy about stuff without knowing what the stuff was. And what could your family have said? Your husband was already on thin ice I am sure as he was part of your stress. Sorry, Paula, when we slip and fall, no one is going to tell us that we are gaining weight. No one has that amount of courage. Maybe a good girlfriend might try but I know I wouldn't have been happy if someone had pointed out the obvious to me. We all have our delusional bubbles. Like you I think I am living the low carb life with the occasional 'extra' thrown in. But there are moments of clarity when the light shines and I realize - WTH - and that's when we knuckle down and do what I know to do. You have learned a valuable lesson, I suppose, albeit a painful one, that no amount of 'education' can keep you immune from emotional eating. I think women are more prone to emotional eating but perhaps that is too much of a generalization. I don't think I will ever be free of the urge to reach for " enter your poison of choice " when I am in emotional pain. Sometimes I can be strong and not give in, sometimes the pain is too much and I cave. Whatever, I always pick myself up, sometimes quicker than others, and thankfully there is always FS. The buddies on here for me are priceless. Always someone sharing their pain, their joy, and taking my mind of my own particular 'hell' of the moment. I am so glad that you are back, so glad that you are dealing with your 'stuff' and so glad that you are feeling better. It is not all straight and narrow, you will have days yet when you slip and fall, but always know that we on FS are here for you, good days, bad days and hellish days. Much Love.
16 Aug 13 by member: sarahsmum
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Oh, Issy - Do you even know how grateful I am that you would just tell me the TRUTH! I am welled up w/ tears - not because of anything you've said, but because it was said w/ LOVE! I miss my Mom so very much - and she WOULD HAVE told me!!! But she's probably the only one in my life. Just finally crawling my way out of this ditch - and I am so grateful for friends like you and the rest of the FS Gang! Much Love.
16 Aug 13 by member: jsfantome
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Paula, I hear you, it is so very hard to be honest, to tell the truth. I could never ever tell someone I love that they had a weight problem. I can barely tell my husband to change his shirt because I don't like the one he's wearing! I am glad that you didn't take my post the wrong way, I was worried that I was too harsh. Being overweight by any amount is very demoralizing. But I am so glad you found your way back. I know you miss your mum; I have lost almost everyone now except my sister. It is small comfort I suppose but your mum is always with you, in your heart and in Heaven. I am sure you talk to her daily, I still talk to mine some days but she is gone a long, long time so the connection doesn't seem a strong but I know she is still there. Hugs hun, hang in there. One day at a time and if that is too much to bear, some breath at a time.
16 Aug 13 by member: sarahsmum
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