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why? how? how do I fluctuate so much all the time... you know what kills my motivation? a sudden 4-6 pounds that appear sometimes literally overnight. I know the body is a stupid weird thing that does weird things..... but that coupled with comments from my husband "man it will take you like 7 years to fit into this again"..... "dont wiggle on the machine, like, the thing can only handle so much" ...... among others.....
I feel like crap.
I struggle with chronic Illnesses and pain.
all the time...."well if you lost weight youd feel better"..... sure... granted....but its fucking hard.... it's hard when I feel like knives are cutting down the sides of my legs, plus the sciatica... the nerve damage that makes my leg feel like it's on fire... the chronic debilitating fatigue..... the adhesions from my organs sticking togther and when it pulls or tears the crippling pain is causes.
it's all excuses... it's all a scape goat....
yeah.... I eat less than my husband, I'll gain weight still.....
I exercise more than him.... I'm a blob.
I try to love myself anyway? negative comments about my body.....
I want to go to college again. for nursing.... I want to work in a pain clinic..... I want my own money.. I want the option of being able to support myself again like when I lived in Canada. I keep tagging along behind someone else's dream...someone who I dont think understands me....
when i say something hurts my feelings....its turned around so I'm the idiot..... so theres no point in saying anything...... 10 years of biting my tongue.
and when things go bad.... I want to control my food so I can control something....ANYTHING in my life......
how do you motivate yourself without hate?
my mom always told me to get angry .... use the anger...... so when i lost 50... i was angry and i stayed angry for like 9 months...
but no one can stay angry forever....
weighing less only took my pain down a few levels for a little while.... then my center of gravity shifted...and so did my spine... and it was excruciating. I'm afraid of that honestly.... even though I havent known life without pain since I was 18.... the thought of more or worse pain? that's definitely a real fear I have
I'm upset with my "support system" .. I hear more negative than positive to the point that I do not believe any positive remark at all... I think it's a joke....just more sarcasm.
I'm upset with myself... why cant I do what I've done before? why is it so hard now? i know what to do... I've literally done this!! why cant i make myself follow my own stupid rules that I know work.
I'm furious with this stupid meat sack I have to live in.... it never frigging works, it hurts, it rebel and makes me feel helpless.... i had some prednisone a few weeks ago for pneumonia and it cleared up all my inflammation..... god that felt good... I could move!!... pain clinic said theres nothing like that they can give me full time..... i wish i never felt it at all... i had forgotten what it felt like to be normal....
everyday I just want to go to some cave...and just die.... how much more am i supposed to fight? for what....
I guess I have to fight ...... having kids kinda makes you do that.... i have to get healthy to have surgery, get to college and feel like I'm worth something again.....to have options.... to have a choice or say in my own life and not just be a side character in someone else's show.
sorry for the long depressing post... but... I got no where else to talk.
I try to do nice things... make masks for my friends and their parents.. make bags for homeless people with food, money, clothes, toiletries.... donate to the animal shelter... hold doors open... help the elderly load groceries........my friends say "Sarahs doing that thing again" when I go overboard doing nice stuff.....i try and always smile and keep people afloat, just whatever I can do to help...............................................
but I'm fucking dying....
a nothing, nobody... I'm not living how I should and I dont know how to claw my way out of this tar pit right now...
I'd delete this whole thing... but maybe its motivation? ... .maybe...
theres a way out of the tar pit right? .... gotta believe so anyway..... just keep working.... dont stop working.... mindlessly work...... go though the motions enough times and maybe it will click......
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259.4 lb
Lost so far: 16.4 lb.
Still to go: 59.4 lb.
Diet followed reasonably well.
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gaining 5.3 lb a week
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 Comments
You are not alone. I felt your post in my heart as something I have also felt. And, I am sorry life is crushing you right now.
Keeping other people OUT of your weight loss or fitness journey sometimes IS the solution. We have enough voices in our heads, we do not need one more.
02 May 20 by member: yoenepalmer
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I too have failed on maintenance, only not in a big way. It is discouraging though, but dont give in. You can do this.
02 May 20 by member: diehard3
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I forgot my friend was on here.. she messaged me this morning and was supportive.
I guess.... nor.ally I see her 2-3 times a weeks and she brings out the best in me and helps me feel worth while..... I miss life before quarantine.
Thank you all for all the suggestions. I went through every comment and made notes on what might help.
I'm still not feeling great... randomly crying here and there for a few mins....
But so far I have angry cleaned the house. I will make dinner in a minute. I will meal prep for tomorrow and I will call the college on Monday. I dont know if they are even open due to covid-19..... but it's worth a shot. Looks like I could get of my classes will be worth something.
into pre-nursing pretty easily. And I've been to college before so I'm sure some on
02 May 20 by member: 8hunter6
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Cont.. some of my old college courses will be worth something.
I was scared to go back before. Like I wasnt smart enough. But I felt that the first t im me and I did very well.
I've been to therapy.... doesnt help.
I actually went to school to be a social service worker... I'm qualified to be a counselor. So it's hard when I know what's expected, what the tricks of the trade are. I know what I should do. I've just felt so stuck..
02 May 20 by member: 8hunter6
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Cont #2 .... so I want to lose weight so I can have excision surgery as safe as possible for my endometriosis. That should reduce a lot of my pain if done right and if it's in places they can do anything about.... but from my symptoms it sounds like it's on my sciatic nerve and that we be scary.... either let it slowly eat away at my nerves or ... have things accidentally severed during surgery.... terrified. But I need the surgery. So I have to lose at least 10% of my body fat.
College... I will never be respected fully in my house unless I contribute financially. I was once the breadwinner.... at 24 I bought a house by myself... I need this.
02 May 20 by member: 8hunter6
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Cont #4 .. having support here is priceless .
I cant write in a journal because "somebody"always reads it.... I dont want to wear out my friends even if I know atleast one would listen to me until we both died of old age.
Thank you all for listening and being here when I so desperately needed someone so say anything nice to me .
Thank you.
02 May 20 by member: 8hunter6
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Apparently cont #4 should have been #3 lol
02 May 20 by member: 8hunter6
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Good luck girl! I had horrible endometriosis, had it lasered away and adhesions removed twice. Temporarily helped. Ended up having a hysterectomy 5ish years ago and have been pain free. I know some will say a hysterectomy isn't a cure for endometriosis (I still have ovaries), but dammit I wish I would have done it sooner. Even if it comes back someday, at least I've had these past 5 years with a normal life, and I appreciate it every day! ❤️❤️❤️
02 May 20 by member: melissapko
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You'll have a support here always!
02 May 20 by member: Raffaelhn
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When I have found myself, many times, in the tar pit of life, I turn the page to Psalms 69. Just read it, whether you believe or not it is the chapter for tar pit reading.
02 May 20 by member: D'Lite
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Girl how are you? Hope you're well! I'm practically same weight as you now. We got this!! :) hang in there, I turn to God and pray when I'm feeling down. Helps to know He hears me and listens to our prayers!
21 May 20 by member: kitten75
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