'Well, I bet ya feel a lot better, don't ya?'
This rhetorical question is usually posed to me when people comment on my weight loss. However, pondering it on the fourth rainy day in a row during what I can only self diagnose as the hormonal hell of menopause presents a struggle to answer.
Sure, I feel lighter and more agile. I take up less room in my chair, can bend more, walk farther and stand longer.
But what exactly is 'feeling better'? I'm sure no two people would give the same answer. I still have horrid days of depression like today. I still wake in pain with numbness in my hands at night and fight every morning to stretch the spasms out of my back so that I can stand upright.
And for the fourth day in a row I've cried at the drop of a hat; more than I typically cry in an entire year.
Maybe I'm struggling with the question because it was most recently asked by an overweight person and the tone in his voice, either real or carrying my own imagined emotions, seemed to imply he wanted an assurance that it's 'worth it' if he too decided to pursue the effort. A promise that there is something better at the end of the journey.
What to say? It's been ten months of no fast food and only the rarest occasion of junk food yet yesterday I was craving sweets so badly the only thing that saved me from a 'frozen snickers bar' was there wasn't one in the freezer shelf at Walgreens as I passed by the doors. I guess some other depressed soul beat me to them.
How to explain that in the grip of this depression it's taking every gram of logic I can muster to prevent a face in the bowl binge? That yesterday the only defense I had to battle the urge to chew all day was a rotation of low calorie food and sugarless gum. Even my paintings are coming out dark, muddled and lifeless.
I take a boatload of vitamin supplements daily. Ironic I never feel or felt the need to take these when I subsided on junk food, fast food or take out pizza. I'm now beginning to wonder if they bring more harm than value. Perhaps my expectations are too high. Maybe if I stopped swallowing the alphabet I'd have a valid excuse for feeling like crap.
During his scheduled 90 day office visit to the physician yesterday my husband presented such a compromised physical condition with his struggling to breathe, sunken eyes and a weakened appearance that his doctor finally consented he would decrease the required examinations to annually. I drove him home in tears. The beginning of the end.
"Bet ya feel a lot better, don't ya'?
No, I don't. I feel sad. I feel powerless. I feel angry. I feel like loading him & the dog into the car with his oxygen tanks, medications and a shoebox of cash and heading for the shoreline. I feel like escaping so that I can stare at sunsets and drink a beer with him. I feel like having one last hurrah. I don't want to have to watch him die a slow and painful death. I don't want to sit in this blasted shop feigning 'allergy attack' as an excuse for my tears.
I'm not ungrateful. I am blessed to have been given yet another chance to improve my own health but days like today have me wondering 'why'. To live alone longer before I too finally die?
I have more than I ever imagined but today it just doesn't seem enough.
'I bet ya feel a lot better, don't ya?'
This journal was written in all candor. In polite conversation though, I just lie and say 'sure!'. It's up to the asker to figure out their own personal truth.
Disclaimer: I realize the previous was devoid of anything inspirational, motivational or even remotely entertaining. It is nothing more than my current thoughts recorded in my personal journal.
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Bella, this post sincerely brought me to tears...and I'm one of those people who have been called a cold-hearted B because it takes a LOT to make me cry... I can understand and relate to how you are feeling, regaring that question and your weight loss, and the many possible answers to that question because of what you are currently going through. I can ALSO relate to what you are thinking/feeling regarding your husband. I've seen that same "beginning of the end" look in my husband's eyes...for the past 3 1/2 years...whenever he looks at ME at the doctor's office during yet another medical setback. I see what it does to my teen son also (we have always been extremely close). And I hate to know that I'm the cause of their pain and frustration so much so that for a bit of relief my own husband sometimes "forgets" that I'm even in the house, until I feel like I'm already a ghost...and my son leaves for miles-long walks even in the rain, and paces in his room at night. I face every day trying to remember my motivations to lose weight, trying to move, trying to smile, knowing that no matter how much I lose, I'll never be able to get better. I'm afraid to fall asleep, fearing that this will be the morning I won't wake, and they'll find me. I don't want their last memories of me to be THIS. I don't share things about myself easily, normally, but I wanted to to say this to you above all else: Cherish the time with your husband, hon. Please find a way to let him know that in spite of it all, you still see HIM in there. It will help both of you...
18 Jun 13 by member: RavenSoul69
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Bella, I hope I don't get interrupted at work here. I don't think your depression right now has anything to do with your weight, your weight loss, your expectations, your food, anything. Some of it may be hormonal, sure. You are going through the grieving process while your husband is still alive. It is a terrible, dreadful thing. To watch someone you love die in front of your eyes, so slowly as to be almost unnoticeable, but you know it is inescapable. I cannot imagine your pain. Junk food won't make him live longer. It might make you feel better for an instant but you know, you know, that you will then feel like crap because you gave in to that and will have to battle further to get that extra off. I have no solution darling, none at all. Just we are here for you. We hear you. We empathize, goodness knows, I can feel your pain through your words. If I could hug you I would but it wouldn't change the outcome. If you are a prayerful woman, pray for more time, pray for peace and serenity and pray for as much peace and painfree time for your spouse as is allowed. I wish I had something smarter, pithy, insightful, to say. All I can say is I hear you, I love you and I will be hear for you as will all your FS friends, no matter what each day brings. I hope you get some sunshine tomorrow because that always lifts the spirits a little. Do you feel better now you have lost weight - probably not at the moment because it doesn't change your husband's path. I too wonder sometimes if it is worth it but I am vain and I want to look better so in the end, yes it will be worth it. You just can't see it today. Hugs xxxxx
18 Jun 13 by member: sarahsmum
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Oh my Angel! I've been thinking of & missing you here but thought you had a trade show this weekend & were still recovering from it. I'm so, so sorry to hear that you've been suffering in silence instead. I cannot imagine what it is like to watch your DH's health deteriorate & slowly pass away. You are such an amazing person & loving wife, and do so much for him. Please be sure to take care of yourself too! I wish I were there to be sure you are & to help out in some way. Keep posting, journaling, crying & expressing your emotions -- you are so smart & strong to do so rather than eat them as we all have chosen to do too many times. You have come so far & have built such a healthy road along your journey. We are all here for you, loving you, supporting you, sending hugs & crying with you. xoxoxo
18 Jun 13 by member: Ruhu
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Dear Bella, my heart ached when I read your post today. I don't know what to say as words seem insignificant right now. Cherish each moment with your beloved and find joy together in the simple things. Thinking of you.
18 Jun 13 by member: Josie Ann
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I can't even pretend to know all that you are going through and I feel guilty for being thankful my problems are small in comparison. But I do know how awful it is to feel helpless and hopeless and how hormones can magnify everything, making you feel like the world is crushing you where you stand. "I bet ya feel a lot better, don't ya?" Hmmm. Losing weight used to hold the lure of “the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow” for me, some great cure-all for all that was making me unhappy in my life. But life has taught me that losing weight has only superficial benefits on its own, that it’s only a small part of a much greater journey. And I’m quite convinced that if I had worked as hard and long at overhauling my insides as I have in trying to alter my external appearance, I wouldn’t care so much about how much I weigh. So don’t feel bad for not feeling “better” just because you lost a lot of weight. Not everyone can understand that, though. So what to do when they ask, "I bet ya feel a lot better, don't ya?" Tell them whatever you think they want to hear because any attempt at a deeper truth would only confuse them. If they were capable of understanding, if they had been through this journey themselves, they wouldn’t need to ask. They’d know.
18 Jun 13 by member: evelyn64
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Bella...why not load up all the "stuff" including the dogs the paint supplies the tank the hubby and get out of dodge for a few days?? Rainy days and hormones are a bad mix. I was given a 10 year window for maglignant cancer I had in ......1989. Only God knows how many days we have here. We aren t guaranteed anything. Do all the things you need to and say all the things you need to....our best defense against regret. May the sun shine strong in bellawood tomorrow.
18 Jun 13 by member: sharonfriz
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Oh hon-you don't have to put on a brave face, or be inspirational or insightful, for any of us. You do not need to feel responsible for motivating anyone here, or feel that you should entertain us. I know not one of us wants to put any pressure on you to perform for us. I can't imagine being in your position, how much stress it causes you and the pressure you're under. I got nuthin' in the way of advice, I just have reassurances that you need not worry about meeting anyone else's needs on here. It's okay to lean on people, we're all in this together, you know.
18 Jun 13 by member: CollyMP
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Remember - you are never alone when you have family, friends and FatSecret. I have has the same kind of days and feelings...but you are a survivor. We are with ya~
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Bella please close the shop for at least one day and have that one last hurrah ..... he wants it too!
18 Jun 13 by member: 2toofat
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I agree wholeheartedly with Colly...and with at least a bit of what everyone else has said. Neither have I words of comfort or inspiration that will take away your hurt. All any of us have to give, really, are our listening ears and hearts. Here they are...we wish we could do more.
19 Jun 13 by member: Baxie
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Hugs!! I want to like everybody's comment. And yes bella, I especially agree with your one last hurrah, go pack up, head to the beach, watch the sunset and have that beer.
19 Jun 13 by member: coffeebiscuit
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Bella, who cares if your journal today was not inspirational or motivational. It was MUCH more important than that. It was you sharing how you feel, getting some of it out. We all look to "feel better", and you're right - it can be truly impossible to pinpoint exactly what that is. All we can do it work on it, try the best we can to better the things we know how to better, and ask for help for those we don't. It is literally painful to read about your hubby, and my heart goes out to the both of you. I say go have that damn beer in the sunset, no matter what. Make the best of the cards you're dealt, and enjoy every single moment you have. Some of those moments are gonna hurt, but they are also so important to have. And even if it sounds silly, especially after your journal today, I too hope you will "feel better" soon. Whatever that means.
19 Jun 13 by member: kingkeld
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Thank you for sharing with all of us - lots to think about here. It sounds like you're getting several life lessons thrown at you at once - - we have lots of power over some things, and virtually none over others.
Bless you and your husband.
19 Jun 13 by member: SherylPT13
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Thinking of you today! I'll be back to read this later. :)
19 Jun 13 by member: Neptunebch
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Hi Bella.. I am a fairly new buddy of yours and wasn't really up on everything. I went back last night and read some of your older journals. It sounds like things have been pretty tough for you for a long time now. I am so sorry for that and for your husbands condition. I know how hard being the primary caregiver can be and trying to lose weight on top of all the stress is so hard but you are doing your best one day at a time and you need to be proud of how far you have come. I know how alone you must feel. We really find out who are friends are at times like this and I am so sorry you don't have any support. It is a heavy burden for one person to bare. There is not much that we can do for you other than listen, be supportive and pray. Bella I will pray for you and your husband.
19 Jun 13 by member: chattycathy1955
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I'm so sorry to hear about your and your husband's struggles - I can't even imagine what you're going through right now. Please know that you have unconditional support and love here. <3
19 Jun 13 by member: PepperMill
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Bella dear..you have a right to be depressed..you have had alot on your plate...Losing weight doesn't make it better just makes it easier on you to get around...Life goes on whether we are small or over weight..I really think you need to talk to your doctor about hormones or maybe something else to help you deal with your every day life..Maybe you should take a few days off and go to the beach and enjoy a beer with your DH..It may do the world of good for both of you..Love and Hugs..if nothing else little Bella is doing awesome ..growing like a weed and her coat is really shiny..slick little hefer she is...:O)
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Bella, I agree with the rest of your friends here, if you are able, pack up and enjoy a day or 2 at the beach or at least somewhere where it's not raining. You need some sunshine. I do not pray but my positive thoughts are coming your way.
19 Jun 13 by member: cjmurph
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Bella, this journal really touched me in a way that makes me wish I knew more of the right things to make it all better. It is 1:30 AM here so this day has passed for you and I'm hoping you have some sunshine now and are maybe even in the car (or hired a limo) to take you and your main man to the beach. I hear all you said and know that it must be very hard to express these feelings - at least it would be for me because I can never find the words but again you have opened up your heart for us to share with you and know that I am here with love and prayers.
20 Jun 13 by member: Neptunebch
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