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Saturday afternoon ... sitting at the airport ... waiting to go home!!
I have had a wonderful time. So many thoughts and feelings, not sure I can really adequately describe this experience so that others might understand.
I am grateful for much ... for simple concrete things and for things that are more conceptual than concrete ...
1. a comfortable hotel room
2. a good night's sleep in a hotel room (typically I don't sleep well when I am away from home)
3. a growing realization that the kindness I have been practicing these past months has meant so much more than being 'at peace' with my body
4. being able to be visible and to not be so worried or concerned about doing it 'right'
5. being able to recognize my own internal dialogue and how it has the potential to get in my way
6. the opportunity to participate in this training series ... I had NO idea how much I would enjoy it
7. listening to others
8. the ability to be present, focus on someone else, but not lose myself
I ate lunch out today ... went to Cracker Barrel. I'd never been to a Cracker Barrel. YUM!! I had chicken & rice with green beans and macaroni and cheese!!! It was truly comfort food and quite tasty. I enjoyed every bite. I was aware that I selected what I wanted, enjoyed my meal, had no regrets. No worries about what I selected. No "should've" self statements.
When I arrived at the airport I realized we had some time to kill. I really wanted a frozen yogurt but the frozen yogurt kiosk was closed. I decided on a small ice-cream cone from McDonald's. As I meandered down to my gate, ice-cream in hand, it occurred to me that I wasn't concerned about what anyone else thought about me eating an ice-cream cone. Such has not always been the case. I have often felt anguished by what others may have thought about my eating. Did they think I didn't "need" it ... after all I was fat. I should only eat carrot and celery sticks and drink water. I know people judge others and make comments about their food choices. I am free to chose what I wish. Perhaps someone might still judge me ... it comes so naturally to us humans. But ... I do not care. I know me. So difficult for me to articulate ... maybe someone sort of gets what I am driving at.
I am tired but it isn't an exhausted tired ... it is a satisfied tired. At this moment I feel like I have come into myself .... grown up sort of ... am in a place that has taken a long, long time to get to. The journey continues ... I am not "done" ... LOL but I am feeling good!!!
I hope this finds all of you well. No time now but I do hope to catch up later. Take care my friends and do be kind to yourselves ... it is quite powerful I guarantee you ... risk it ... start with you.
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 Comments
I'm sure you will be glad to get home, to DH, I know you two are very close and miss each other. Also glad your trip was so successful and enjoyable. I hear you about being judgemental or about others being judgemental about you - I often have those thoughts when I eat something like a chocolate bar - thinking everyone is saying "no wonder she is fat, look at her stuffing that in". So glad you have found a good place to be, in that you don't judge yourself for what you eat and don't care how others judge you either. Its good to be comfortable in your skin. Hope this is the beginning of a long and beautiful friendship with yourself.
11 Sep 10 by member: sarahsmum
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Don't know how to edit the above comment - its not the beginning of a friendship with yourself, just a deepening commitment to an already great relationship - lol.
11 Sep 10 by member: sarahsmum
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Moose, I so get it lol...When you have a moment read Chatty Cathy's Journal as she has posted the most beautiful Quote that goes along the lines you are writing about today. During your training series did you learn anything that would inspire us here on F.S? I love opportunities such as gaining education and new perspective on things. Anyway.... I am happy to see your journal post this Saturday as I knew you were busy and appreciate reading what you write. TOWANDA!!!!!
11 Sep 10 by member: Lisa Online
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Okay, first Cracker Barrel is so freaking good. Not the healthiest but yum! Second, I think it shows how far you've come when you're comfortable with yourself and don't care what other people think. Congrats.
11 Sep 10 by member: suechru
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Isn't it amazing how we can change ourselves so thoroughly from the inside out and outside in? It gives me hope for things I was once hopeless about :) Thank you for your lovely comment on my picture. I am feeling very "come into my own" these days and I think I can see it on the outside now! Glad you had a great time :)
11 Sep 10 by member: k8yk
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I understand what you mean about the self-consciousness! I think a little is good, but knowing we are doing the right things for ourselves is what makes others judgments mean so much less than our own judgment.
11 Sep 10 by member: abbadabba
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Hahaha! Funny that you had Cracker Barrel for the first time! I blame a lot of my weight gain on the fact that I worked there for 6 1/2 years (high school and college), and their yummy food that I would eat every day during my lunch break! Now, I'm able to choose wiser when I go there with friends/family.
14 Sep 10 by member: nberry1984
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