FullaBella's Journal, 06 May 2013

I need a month of Sundays. I don't know what it is about Sunday that helps me clear out the cobwebs and renew my faith but it does. Then Monday rolls around and by Wednesday the helium has started to leak out of my heart.

By Saturday? Forget about it. I'm toast.

Thank you my friends for your sharing and supportive comments on my past couple of 'what's it all about and where am I taking it' journals. You are truly wonderful friends and I am blessed to have you.

Yesterday the weather was too chilly to spend much time in the yard so I cleaned inside. I'm a 'neat freak' by nature but the dust had accumulated to a level of pathetic embarrassment. I'm thinking I need to call a truce with my housekeeper.

Conclusions reached and issues resolved during the duststorm:

How will this time be any different than the past; how will I be successful keeping this weight off where I failed so miserably and publicly before?

Because it is different. After failing so badly regaining the weight lost in my 20's, I did what I 'started' to do last week - not talk about the loss, not acknowledge it - not respect it. I avoided the very topic of it during the loss in my 30's and again in my 40's. And because I gave people a very curt 'I'm just eating healthy but I'd really rather not discuss it' response to their comments on the loss they certainly had no comfort in discussing the regain with me.

But now I have here. A place to come and say 'I feel weak, I feel crazy, the bread is mocking me' and my friends are here who care because they are fighting the same battles. I'm not alone and I can admit my fears and get help confronting them.

What to do about the concerns of food ala wheat and ingredients?

Eat what I Love and Love what I Eat. This processed chemical thing in food isn't new. Heck, that's what Clark Griswalk admitted as his profession in National Lampoon Vacation and that movie is over thirty years old. I've been eating what I've been eating for five decades and have survived everything from red M&M's and flouride in the water to rat feces in the hotdogs and I'm still here. Obviously my body adapts and adjusts.

So the Smart Balance peanut butter isn't as organic as the Smuckers but I like it better? Well, that's likely because of the cane syrup in it. But if a tablespoon of that satisfies my craving more than three tablespoons of Smuckers, I'm gonna have it. Won't be the worst thing I've eaten.

Bread? Eat it or don't eat it. Unless I can track some physiological reaction then it's mental and I need to stop whipping myself into a lather and finding excuses. I definitely like shopping on the ring of perishables more than the inner aisles but I'm not going to freak out because there's too much sodium in a can of tomatoes compared to fresh. LIfe goes on and so will I.

But when it's all said and done ~ what's it all about?

Well, unlike the mass of the people in my husbands family who seem to function under a delusion of immortality (request for money this weekend because someone in their 80's is ill and probably dying... crazy... we've had to help bury every single person in his family... do they think they're excluded from death until it's too late?) I know my days are numbered. And short of winning the lottery to be able to afford a complete overhaul I'll never look good naked. Besides, no one is looking anyway. So what's the point?

I realized one hurdle was the 'if I ignore it the regain won't be so painful' as discussed. The other is, I really can't put a solid handle on the 'why bother?'.

Sure, health. Yes, everyone says health. But what else? What are some newer and better goals to set for myself to remember and motivate myself when I get in those funky moods?

There's the fantasy of course. If I ever do get to take that trip to Italy I won't be so uncomfortable and conspicuous on the plane or have to buy and extra seat. I'll be able to stroll those (envisioned) cobblestone streets in comfort. I'll be able to cross my legs at the knee when I sit idle at a sidewalk cafe and people watch without drawing attention and amplifying my discomfort if I decide to order a meal.

But as a half hour trip to Lowes requires more coordination than the storming of Normandy international travel eludes me.

I needed more realistic markers.

Mobility: The littlest thing caught my attention this morning. As Mushy and I walked over to pick up a paper she crossed behind me. I handed off her leash from my left to my right hand behind my back. I did not have to do a full body spin to get around the leash as I would have had to do in the past.

Stamina: I'm able to stand and work longer; a year ago I had to pay someone to change my bedding because it was too heavy and too exhausting with the extra weight I was carrying on my own body. A year ago walking across the street to my lawyers resulted in such back pain and being out of breath it took ten minutes to recover before I could speak. Six months ago when Mushy and I went for the paper she dragged me; now I slow down for her.

Hope: I still have pain in my right thigh after a while. Maybe this will go away in another 10 pounds; maybe 20. Maybe never, but at least I will know I tried.

Faith, hope, stamina and mobility. It ain't sexy but I can live on that for a while.

Thank you for reading.

Bella

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1754 kcal

Fat: 78.61g | Prot: 111.97g | Carb: 152.45g.   Breakfast: Quinoa (Cooked), American Pride Mahi Mahi, Baby Spinach, Onions, Cucumber (with Peel), Tomatoes. Lunch: Smucker's Natural Chunky Peanut Butter, Onions, Cucumber (with Peel), Tomatoes, StarKist Foods White Albacore Tuna in Water, Quinoa (Cooked). Dinner: Mariani Sun Dried Tomatoes, Balsamic Vinegar, Onions, Baby Spinach, Classico Creations Sun-Dried Tomato Pesto Sauce, Kirkland Signature Artichoke Hearts Marinated in Oil, American Pride Mahi Mahi, Girl Scout Cookies Samoas. Snacks/Other: Pistachio Nuts, Schwan's Triple Berry Blend, Cottage Cheese. more...

1934 kcal

Activities & Exercise: Sleeping - 24 hours. more...