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I think I weighed 181.6 this morning, or it might have been 182.6 ... I'm confused. I didn't write it down right away and now I've had coffee and I'm not going to weigh again. That is silly. Oh well. It is what it is or was and it is probably different anyway in this moment so there you go!!! (Whew. Long sentence.)
I ate 'normal' all day long. Went out to Mexican with my girlfriend and ate 1/2 an order of Camerones con Arroz, 3 corn tortillas, and 2 pats of butter. Oh yea ... I did eat some chips and salsa ... forgot to count that. Had a couple of margaritas and had fun.
This morning I'm moving a little slower than usual ... which is what weekends are all about, right?!! A little eBay time, checking my auctions, listing some more items, exercise later, nothing too exciting on the horizon. Bob is working today, so it is just me and Blue right now.
So today I am grateful for ...
1. a fun time out last night with my girlfriend,
2. practicing 'going with the flow',
3. sleeping in,
4. my freshly perked coffee,
5. the weekend!!!
I have to say something about my 'goal' weight. I'm really tired of feeling like I have 'failed' by not bringing my 'ceiling' down to 180 and not reaching 175. I'm tired of reporting that I'm not there, I'm not there, I'm not there. Something k8yk said stuck with me. She made a comment in one of her recent journals, something to the effect of not making excuses or providing explanations about why her weight fluctuated, now that she has reached her goal. I have been hovered around my 'goal' weight for more than a year now and still I report as if I am not where I'd like to be.
I want to change that approach. I talk about acceptance a lot. Acceptance doesn't mean the status quo will always be the same. I am having a hard time finding the words to say what is in my head and heart. And, I think the reason I am having a hard time is I fear failure. I am so sensitive to being judged, both by myself and others. Please don't take this as a criticism but sometimes, when I am 'encouraged' to 'take it lower' I interpret that as "Moose, you really aren't good enough, you need to work harder, you are still FAT." My self talk places me in a precarious position then ... of not being kind to myself, of beating up on myself, of feeling 'less than' which is not healthy at all.
I feel like the 'dieting mentality' is trying to suck me in!! LOL!!! Now, I know that adopting a 'dieting mentality' is akin to eating a box full of rat poison for myself. I think maybe, on some level, I fear if I truly am 'okay' with where I am right now, I will gain weight and be right back where I started. Not rational. I know that isn't true. I find myself resisting going out and having a good time, dreading being 'off' my plan, worried about what the scale will say the next day. I want to stop that negative pattern of thinking and feeling. It is up to me.
Sorry this is so long ... I am really thinking this through as I type and I'm not sure it will make sense to anyone except me!! So, for now ... I'm not going to change any numbers here. My 'goal' will remain 180 and I will practice NOT deciding to 'feel' like a 'failure' when the numbers are above 180. I will choose to practice being 'okay' with the body I have. I will pay attention to when I am being 'harsh' with myself and reframe my self-talk as quickly as possible. I will continue to weigh everyday because that seems to work best for me.
Okay ... enough blathering for one day. Bottom line is I will continue to practice being kind to myself. That is my mantra. That is my work. Counting calories and moving my body is fairly easy at this point. And, I am more skilled at kindness than I used to be ... and I will continue. I do not want to be a woman who is NEVER satisfied, NEVER happy, ALWAYS negative, NEVER good enough. Oops ... still talking ... just can't stop!!! LOL!!!
Okay ... here it is buddies!!! Have yourselves a wonderful weekend, full of self discovery that lays the groundwork for peace, contentment, and enjoying life!!! Please keep journeying with me along the path of practicing kindness towards ourselves ... I need your company ... I enjoy your company!!!
Diet Calendar Entries for 21 August 2010:
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1016 kcal
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Fat: 23.00g | Prot: 27.19g | Carb: 116.41g.
Lunch: water, Weight Watchers Yogurt, banana. Dinner: Margarita, Smart Ones Three Cheese Ziti. Snacks/Other: pistachios. more...
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2754 kcal
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Activities & Exercise:
Precor Elliptical - 50 minutes, Pilates - 50 minutes, Resting - 14 hours and 20 minutes, Sleeping - 8 hours. more...
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 Comments
"I Can't Get No Satisfaction" Love that Stones song, Are they really saying they are satified? Moose, it makes perfect sense! TOWANDA!!!
21 Aug 10 by member: Lisa Online
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*applause* :). I am so glad you heard that because I wrote it for you partially :). One thing I don't want is people encouraging me to lose more pounds right now, even though I know this is a weigt loss site and that's how we encourage each other but I want to just be happy the way I am for a bit. I'm doing nothing too different really. I'm still trying harder at the gym every time I go and I am still eating what I know I need to eat. I know the scale is going to bounce around. I expect it to continue doing that as history shows it will. I will know if the scale starts going up and it means something, because I will know if my habits are out of line. But they aren't going ot be! I know what you mean about thinking you'll gain it back. We've both lost and gained back before, right? But isn't it really different this time? It is for me. And I think it's different when you decide it is and yiu believe it. You have made a sensible lifestyle change that you can stick with and you have built a great support system. This is totally why you only got 2 daily weigh ins out of me :). Fs told me I was gaining weight at an alarming rate and I was like "no, I'm not.". And I knew it was only a matter of time before some well meaning soul tried to console me and... I just didn't want to think of it negatively, like you say. It simply is what it is :). So glad to have you as a buddy :)
21 Aug 10 by member: k8yk
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Yes Kate ... it is VERY different this time. Very, very, very different. Although I get anxious sometimes about 'gaining it all back' I KNOW I will NOT. I am in a different place with myself. Even though I may indulge on occasion I no longer even desire to eat the way I used to. Thanks Kate. I knew you would understand. I am very grateful to have you as a buddy too ...
21 Aug 10 by member: madaboutmoose
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Moose & K8- I have learned so very much form the two of you! I have learned to be at peace with myself- wherever I am. I am healthier than I was, even if I am not as thin as I would like to be. I am in good shape and getting better all the time!! Here's to loving ourselves no matter where we are in our journey!
21 Aug 10 by member: Debinator
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21 Aug 10 by member: madaboutmoose
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I always try to look at the last two digits of the scale to make it easier to remember. In the case of 182.6, I would use 26 as the mnemonic. I shouldn't have mentioned the ceiling at all, of course do it your own way. Have a great Saturday moose!
21 Aug 10 by member: information
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Glen that is beautiful what you wrote. Information, if the scale weighs only .5 for oz. would I at 157.5 look at it as 75? All ceilings are made of glass and to be danced upon aren't they? TOWANDA!!
21 Aug 10 by member: Lisa Online
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Moose, I am one of those who "encourage" you to take it lower. And if I said that, it is not because I think you're not doing enough, but because I feel, I know, I'm sure (hard to find the right word) that you can do it and you want it. But if it makes you feel this way then I won't say it again. The last thing I want is to put pressure on you. Thank you for telling us how you feel, I want to be a supporting buddy not a pushy buddy. I guess I was not thinking about what is beside losing weight. Self acceptance, positive thoughts.... I should have known better, as I'm not on here to lose more weight and your constant support reminds me how important it is to love myself whatever the scale has to say. Have a wonderful weekend Carol!
21 Aug 10 by member: jessyline
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I'm not sure I understand Lisa, but since you already know that you are in the 150s, the key number there is the 7.5, so... maybe yes. :-) LOL! about dancing on the ceilings.
21 Aug 10 by member: information
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Anne, I know others don't 'think' I am not doing enough. It is my own self thoughts that trouble me and my imagination of what others might think!! LOL!!! I set myself up. I talk and talk and talk about 175. I still think I might end up weighing that at some point but for me to target it ... and focus on it ... to the exclusion of kindness, acceptance, and being okay with who I am is not healthy for me. So, the blame isn't on others ... the realization is I need to shift how I am approaching this!! By the way ... I had a lot of fun last night!!! When we chat next I'll fill you in!! LOL!!
21 Aug 10 by member: madaboutmoose
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Just a foot note here on Info's last comment. "A lot of people don't understand Lisa lol!" Have a fabulous weekend buddies, I need to prepare my house for a special 11 year olds birthday so Bye for now! TOWANDA!!!
21 Aug 10 by member: Lisa Online
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I understand.... I can't wait to hear about last night!!!!
21 Aug 10 by member: jessyline
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oh, I just posted a reply on my journal. If you have a minute, tell me what you think...
21 Aug 10 by member: jessyline
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Anne ... read your reply ... posted mine!!
21 Aug 10 by member: madaboutmoose
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Moose.....I hear what your saying! This is EACH persons journey....YOU are your own person, and YOU have to do what feels good for you!!! I am with YOU completely on worrying about what others think....but WE really need to stop! What's the saying " don't judge a man until you walk a mile in their shoes!!"
And ......just throwing it out there.....if you want to joint the scale strike I have some picket boards left!!!! Just teasing you....
Mexican and margaritas....yum!!!! It wasn't one of THOSE head size ones was it???? Lol super YUM!!!!
21 Aug 10 by member: Klannoye
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No ... those giant Margaritas I get in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico ... didn't travel that far last night. Klannoye ... I'm not implying that others are judging me ... quite the opposite ... I judge myself. No scale strike here ... the scale is a tool I am quite grateful for!!
21 Aug 10 by member: madaboutmoose
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....this, quoted from your journal today is what you are helping me to overcome, Carol..."My self talk places me in a precarious position then ... of not being kind to myself, of beating up on myself, of feeling 'less than' which is not healthy at all..." I KNOW these feelings!
Thank you for the eloquent way is which you express it...we WILL overcome this internal battle....!! So glad you had a good night out with your girlfriend...I have one planned for Wednesday evening! Ladies night, drinks half price...from 7 to 8:30 pm...Donna and I always have a great time!
21 Aug 10 by member: drd3775
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21 Aug 10 by member: madaboutmoose
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Positive thoughts to you! I know what you are saying - "encouragement" can be a bad thing when what you want is, well, support? And it sounds like it needs to be in yourself - so, best wishes to you on continuing this journey, this evolution. Let us remember: ALL=any aspect, every aspect. THINGS=items, bits, thoughts, actions, etc. FOOD=actual food, the meaning of food, food as health and DIET=a way of eating, not necessarily less food, nor counting how much, it's just a word for method to taking in food.
I think you are doing a great job in being aware!
21 Aug 10 by member: abbadabba
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Hi Carol! Great journal...great comments and I feel like I am getting here way too late. I want you to know that I totally understand how you feel and I think it is great you just came out and said it. I am on this site to lose anymore weight. Ijust want to maintain where I am and keep all my great friends that I have met here and grown to love. You are a wonderful buddy and a kind and caring person. We all know that and now Carol it's time for you to really know it in the deepest core of your being. You are wonderful, you are worth it. You are more than good enough. Remember it!! Be happy with where you are. Enjoy it! Hugs to you!!!
21 Aug 10 by member: chattycathy1955
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