Lotus's Journal, 09 July 2008

Hello all, how is your day? I am enjoying relaxing for a change! I have been helping my church group get everything ready for vacation bible school which is comimg up in a few days, and I am so worn out, not so much from the physical work but the stress from trying to keep Kaelyn under control and safe and happy while I am trying to build and paint and hang decorations. Hopefully we are done decorating!
I am doing well with intuitive eating. It is a scary venture but I firmly belive in it. I am more aware of how much of my life has been revolving around food. I wake up and wonder what has the least amount of caloires. Should I eat protein or cereal? Oh not an egg, too much fat. How about an egg white. Not filling enough. A bagel? too many calories. I have to meet someone for lunch. Instant stress. Should I eat before I go? Should I eat a salad? Should I eat whatever I want then work out for an hour or two and starve the rest of the day?
This all must end. I think in order to speed the process of getting rid of diet mentality, I am going to stop logging my food, scary as it is. If I don't stop running for a pen or the computer every time I eat I will never be free. Besides I have been doing it so long it's not like I don't know how many calories are in everything anyway. I can't stop the mental calorie estimater even though I wish I could. I've had about 650 calories so far today. Right off the top of my head. I didn't weigh this morning either. I will probably have a hard time staying off it long term though as I am still nervous about gaining weight. I will try to only weigh once a week.
Small steps, small steps. I don't expect to recover all at once. I just want to try and do my best to relax around food and get into the routine of focusing on the hunger scale rather than the calories or even nutrition content. I have already noticed it doesn't take as much to be satisfied as I usually eat, when I truly eat what I want and wait until I am really hungry. The trick is eating when you are really hungry. If I eat before I am really hungry, I don't feel satisfied, because there was no hunger to begin with, therefore no satiety signals to stop. I can still choose to eat when I am not hungry, as long as I do so with full awareness, and eat a small amount in light of the fact that I do not really need the food.
If I put eating only when hungry on a pedastal and make that my new "LAW" it is no different from dieting. I am working on breaking out of eating for emotional reasons, but I accept the fact that it is ok to sometimes eat for other reasons, as long as I am not doing it mindlessly, and as long as I take the time to acknowledge what I am really feeling, and try to remedy the root cause of the craving. By giving myself permission, I will avoid more feelings of deprivation. I don't want this to be a no- diet DIET. I just want to be normal! Even if I don't lose another ounce. In fact as long as I don't gain more than 5 pounds from where I am, I will be ok with that. My hope is to be able to maintain 120 with intuitive eating. I truly don't care anymore to be a 115 waif. Those size 2 jeans can kiss my booty. I should go buy the exact pair in a size 5 and be done with it! I am not fat, I could be in better shape, but I am well within a healthy range and not completely embarassed in a swimsuit. Perfection is not only unattainable but undesirable. I have other things to work on in my life that acheiving bodily perfection.
That being said, I have a long road ahead of me, and I may never truly ARRIVE to a destination. I want to not only be a normal eater, but a happier person, that takes joy in everyday little things. Obsessiveness has had ahold of me for too many years. With God's help, I belive I can end this misery and find peace about my body and about my life.