Lotus's Journal, 17 June 2008

pea...NUT!! but your heading in THE RIGHT direction!  

HOLY!!! LOTUS!! step away from the peanut butter! Kayla, are you ok today? eat a yummy veggie stirfry for dinner and get active, go do something, hey bake for your new neighbors. you are so good at baking, right, maybe you want to be in the kitchen but give it away! have your man HIDE that pb!  

DAMN it I did it again..had a major who gives a crap moment!! I have gotta get it together. TOM is near and is compouding things..as much as I have already had the only thing keeping me from continuing is estimating what I've had and OMG I am really scaring myself. 

my two year old hyas been stressing me to the max.. tantrum after tantru,. I have been using food to deal for the last couple of weeks and NOW it feels like HABIT!! and for some reason I just didn't WANT to stop eating junk after about 3 pm, and have just been muching on chocolate, pb, and whatever! I am blaming it on pms partly, but I am not looking forward to the guilt that is already settling in, but will be much worse when I weigh myself tommorrow. On the bright side, I'm still here! That means I still care and will get on track again, even if it takes me a while. If I didn't I wouldn't even estimate the binge damage. 

You are being honest with us and yourself!! I find that to be very brave! You can stop this cycle. Get the junk out of your house!!!! 

oh honey, i am sorry. kids are very demanding, i have 2 and one is teething horribly right now. i feel ya, i wish i had a good answer for that one! kids are tough! but so darn cute. i believe in you, just wondering... what ended your cycle before? last time what made you stop and drop all the weight??? what gets you motivated again? 

I will turn this around. I guess I have just got really down and coping is my main concern here lately. A couple pound gained is not great but not the end of the world. I can do this, I just have to get serious and find some beter ways to cope and still not deprive myself. Depriviving diets inevitably lead me into bingeing territory. When I have not been doing well my confidence is much lower and it is easy to slip into eating mode to cope with THOSE feeling as well as stress, pms, boredom. One word to describe how I have been feeling? INSATIABLE. I need a vacation. I need more sleep. I need my husband to understand that what I go through at home is not such a bed of roses as he imagines but every bit as stressful as his job, although not as physically demanding. I have been feeling depressed, drained, sleep deprived and overwhelmed ever since we moved. But I am not going to gain 10 pounds on top of it. Tommorrow is another day.