This will be a long post, but if you want to get to know me better, I hope it will be worth the read. As I weighed in this morning for the 6th day of the “Daily Accountability 2019-#4” challenge, I realized that I will most likely report a GAIN for my final challenge weigh-in tomorrow. I went back through my Challenge History, expecting to be able to show that this was the FIRST time I had GAINED during one of these Challenges. This led me to a real awakening as to just WHY I might have a gain this week.
I began administrating challenges on 2/12/18 (almost a year ago). In the first challenge, I lost 2 pounds. But, in the next two weeks, I reported GAINS – a 2.2-pound gain from 2/19-2/26/2018, and a 1.8-pound gain from 2/26-03/05/2018. The reason? I was under a LOT of stress and suffered from severe depression! In fact, from 3/1-3/8, 2018, I was in a mental hospital (or, more politically correct, the “Behavioral Awareness” unit of a major hospital. I’ve been on some form of anti-depressant for the past 25 years. Those who have some sort of chemical imbalance in their brain know that there’s no shame in needing medication – any more than a diabetic would feel for needing insulin!
I had just gone through the 2nd anniversary of my sister Sue’s passing from cancer, and I was desperately trying to get the money together to go to California (from Virginia) and visit my Mom in a nursing home, and to see my sister’s long-time best friend, who was going through a terrible health situation. Sue would have been there for both of them. But, Sue was gone, and I desperately wanted to be there FOR her! An unexpected bill “stole” the $500 I had saved toward the trip, and it was a crushing blow to me! I couldn’t stop crying uncontrollably!
As a Christian, a mental hospital was the LAST PLACE I ever thought I would end up! I know that “My God shall supply all my needs.” I know that “All things work together for good to them that love God.” I know that “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." But, despite this knowledge, I just couldn’t pull myself together to handle the problem at hand. I thought I just needed a medication adjustment (which happens every few years); but, with the “new” insurance we had last year, the new PCP wouldn’t be able to see me for A WEEK! I called the insurance company and hysterically told them I could not WAIT a week. They had me talk to someone in their psych department, who told me that the only way I could get my meds adjusted would be to go to a major hospital and tell them that I wanted to die. (I didn't want to KILL myself, but I DID want to DIE.)
Anyway, before I get TOO FAR off point (if I haven’t already done so), I just realized today that in two days, it will once again be the anniversary of my sister’s passing (3 years now). Even though this hasn’t been at the forefront of my mind, it has been simmering there, just below the surface. It’s a sad time for me. Sue and I had grown SOOO very close during her illness, with me going for several weeks at a time to stay with her through surgeries, chemo and radiation. And, that’s what I think is causing me to get a little off track right now, to “give in” a little more to myself, to want more “comfort food.” Today, I even broke my 34-day abstinence from Diet Coke!
For the record, in the weeks that followed, I recorded a 3-pound loss from 03/05-03/12/2018 and a one-pound loss from 3/12-3/19/2018. Then, for reasons which I will briefly explain in the next paragraph, I didn’t do anything on FatSecret for over 10 months. Since being back, I lost 2 pounds in the Daily Accountability 2019-#1 challenge, lost 3 pounds in the DA2019-#2 Challenge, and lost one pound in the DA2019-#3 challenge. SO, if I record a gain for this week, I still feel very good about all the progress I’ve made up until now, and I look forward to the progress I will continue to make in the coming weeks (and years)!
That 10-1/2-month period of absence from FatSecret was filled with wonder and awe! Even though I never expected to be at a mental hospital, God had strategically placed me there for greater purposes than I could ever have imagined. While there, I met an alcoholic who had been living on the streets, homeless, for the past two years. His name is Dwayne, and God prompted me to do something that IIIII would NEVER have done: He impressed upon me to invite Dwayne to come and stay at our home! Mind you, I’m a VERY cautious person, and would never so much as pick up a hitchhiker, much less invite a homeless alcoholic into my house!
Long story short, Dwayne has been with us since our release date of 3/8/18, and he is now an integral part of our family! He has only slipped up with the alcohol ONE time, right around the 6-month mark. He has been a tremendous help to my husband (who has severe health issues), and he was company for him in the six weeks during which I had to go back to California for my mother’s decline and eventual death. Dwayne also has a history in landscaping, and he has been a life-saver in taking care of our 10-acre church property! (For those who are interested in the spiritual side of things, Dwayne got saved the second week he was with us, and he has attended EVERY church service since he came here! Once the weather warms up, he will be baptised.)
The other equally miraculous thing that happened during that one-week stay was that I met my best friend! She is an aspiring actress, precisely HALF my age, and she was in desperate need of someone to believe in her and to encourage her. So, instead of spending my time on the FatSecret site encouraging others, I spent those several months intensively “discipling” my new friend. I still love her dearly, we are still and always will be very close, and we still spend time together. But, around the first of the year I came to the realization that I needed to start ministering to others again, too – not just solely to her.
And, that’s why I’m back. I host these “Daily Accountability” Challenges to be able to support others in their weight-loss journey. And, in so doing, I also help myself – by taking seriously my desire to be able to say, “Do as I DO, not just as I say.” One of my favorite Bible passages, and the one that most accurately describes the relationship I feel with my challenge members is from Ecclesiastes 4:8-10: “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow. But woe unto him that is alone when he falleth, for he hath not another to lift him up.”
May you always have someone there to lift you up; and, God willing, I hope that person can be me!
Diet Calendar Entry for 03 February 2019:
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1081 kcal
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Fat: 80.93g | Prot: 49.03g | Carb: 44.24g.
Breakfast: Great Value Pork Sausage Patty, Oscar Mayer Center Cut Bacon, Eggland's Best Large Grade A Eggs, Land O'Lakes Heavy Whipping Cream, SweetLeaf 100% Natural Stevia Sweetener, Twinings Chai Tea. Lunch: Duke's Mayonnaise, McDonald's Quarter Pounder Patty. Dinner: Asian Pears. more...
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![](https://m.ftscrt.com/static/images/box/membersicon.gif) Comments
@Debbie Cousins, I also have a history of major depression and generalized anxiety disorder requiring medication. I spent April 2003, the month of my bankruptcy discharge and final divorce hearings, after two years of sheer mental and emotional torture, in a "psychiatric day hospital" (9:00-3:00 daily). I wasn't suicidal, so didn't quality for admission. So, I have an idea of what you're talking about. Sometimes, our faith in God requires that we accept human aid. Always, our faith requires that we give aid to others. "Here on earth, God's work must truly be our own." [Credit: John Fitzgerald Kennedy, President of the United States of America, Inaugural Speech, January 20, 1961]
03 Feb 19 by member: Miraculum
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What a great post I luv it. Our God is an awesome God and doesn't he reach out in the strangest ways and places to fulfill His purpose. Oh, my I love it. That pastor asked today "What will you let God adjust to be used by Him". Praise God you were there for that man. Thank you so much for sharing.
03 Feb 19 by member: jan-e333
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Thank YOU for responding, @jan-e333. Yes, our God truly IS an awesome God! I love when He totally takes me out of my comfort zone, and when He instructs me to do something for which I am totally untrained and unqualified. "His strength is made perfect in my weakness!"
03 Feb 19 by member: Debbie Cousins
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I am still basking in the pleasure of reading your post.
03 Feb 19 by member: jan-e333
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Thanks for sharing Debbie. Your commitment to helping clearly comes through here on Fat Secret also
03 Feb 19 by member: liv001
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wow, what an amazing journey you have had and will continue to have. You have been very helpful to me during the challenges. I hadn't realized how much of a challenge life has given you though. Hoping I can return the favor! God Bless.
04 Feb 19 by member: Pixie68
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aww, y'all are so sweet! Thanks for all the encouragement! I'm SO glad the challenges are a blessing to you!
04 Feb 19 by member: Debbie Cousins
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It is an inspiring post. I am glad to take part in your challenge, my first one.
04 Feb 19 by member: Fishingwidow
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Wow! very inspiring story!
04 Feb 19 by member: adefwebserver
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It shows true strength to share our vulnerabilities with others. My "weakness" is substance abuse. I also have had bouts of severe depression and been suicidal requiring hospitalization in a "behavioral awareness unit" lol. I will require medication for the rest of my life. How inspiring that you gain strength in helping others. Thank you for sharing!
04 Feb 19 by member: shiny50
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@shiny50, yesterday, before I posted, my friend said, "Why would you want to put all that out there on the internet?" I said, almost your exact words: "Sometimes, our vulnerability is the best gift we can give someone!" II Corinthians 1:3-4 says, "Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, Who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God." Suffering is NO FUN for anyone, but the knowledge that OUR trials can be a blessing to help others through the same or similar things, is VERY comforting to me.
04 Feb 19 by member: Debbie Cousins
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Having my Godson/ nephew in jail because of yet another drunk driving conviction, I am touched by what you have done to help another man with this dreadful disease. Your honesty is refreshing...almost as good as your Red Mill Flaxseed Meal Muffins.. (LoL)
04 Feb 19 by member: justdoit!
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Dwayn's mother and brother had been praying for him for YEARS, but God brought in a total stranger to be able to reach him. Dwayne has had SO many DUI's that he can NEVER get a driver's license again. When God led me to him, it was his 10th or 11th stay at the hospital - sometimes the police were kind enough to bring him THERE instead of putting him in jail - sometimes, he would have himself committed just to get out of the cold! It was 18 degrees and snowy on the day we were released. May God use someone to reach your Godson/nephew, and show him the answer to his addiction.
04 Feb 19 by member: Debbie Cousins
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Father, reach out to 'justdoit! nephew. Put someone in his path to reach him for Jesus. You have done a lot of that in jails, prison, and even just off the street. You are all powerful and we trust you.
04 Feb 19 by member: jan-e333
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Thank you for sharing! I have been struggling with this as well and am now seeing a therapist (successfully) for the first time in my life. It was literally to save me from being admitted and though I couldn't admit it at the time I was in dire need of help. I still may end up in a hospital but I hope that seeing someone weekly will either stave that visit off or negate the need for it altogether (I'm pretty positive for a sad person lol). I will also share that from the first moment that you reached out to me I have thought of you exclusively as "Cousin Debbie" not Debbie Cousins lol. I have a lot of cousins and completely without your consent, you became one of them! I love reading your posts...even the sad/bad ones. I hate to hear that you are going through so much dental pain but I love to hear from you so...it evens out! You are an amazing person and have gone through so much, I'm glad to hear that you have been able to continue your ministering. I do not have any faith but I still believe that you were placed in my path for a reason and I will take all the ministering I can get! Even if you never lost another pound you would be a powerful resource for others! But I know that you will continue to succeed!
04 Feb 19 by member: katies71
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Debbie, thank you for sharing. I too have suffered from depression and anxiety. It was during my worst time that I cried out to God to help me and He did. I grew up knowing there was a God, but didn't know about having a relationship with Him. I was falling apart, and I didn't know how to fix it. I knew I was a good person and a good mom, but when the thoughts of suicide entered my mind, and the thought of my girls didn't it scared me terribly. It was during this time that when I cried out to God I told him, "I didn't know how to be a better me." I felt his presence and He comforted me and led me to the right books and people that would lead me on my path of having a relationship with Him. It wasn't a quick fix, but a journey. I'm sorry that you are suffering now. Praying for you. Jan
04 Feb 19 by member: Janny Jan
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You are proof we all have challenges. Good on you for surviving them.
04 Feb 19 by member: FullaBella
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Y'all's affirmations of love and support mean so much! Thank you from the bottom of my heart~
04 Feb 19 by member: Debbie Cousins
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