Herbie's Journal, 17 April 2015

I'm doing fine overall, but am feeling sad and a bit worried right now. I'm in my early 40s. I just had my first mammogram last week and the clinic called and said I need to come back in "for more pictures" to look at one spot more closely. I'm going in today, won't know results until early next week.

The rational part of my brain says that it's probably nothing. People get called back in all the time, and since this is my first scan they want to have a very good reading of everything. But I can't help but worry. I have so many friends who've had cancer, it is just shocking to me how common it is. Although I don't have any family history, which is good, I'm still very unhappy about the uncertainty this brings and the possibility of something very bad. Plus, I live in a small town, so now I am not sure how much to trust the clinic here and wonder if I'll need to go up to the hospital in the city an hour or so away. And it is frustrating to feel so helpless about my body right in the middle of my big effort to have more control over my health. Reminds me that we really can only control so much.

All of that is premature, of course, and I'm trying to listen to my rational brain. It's. Probably. Nothing. Wish me luck.

I also am selfishly sad that my closest friend here is moving for a year and I won't see her much. That's unrelated to this, of course, but adds to my feeling of sadness right now.