GlennM's Journal, 18 March 2014

At least your avatar photo is still in place!  

:( Sorry to hear that about your mom. A friend of mine lost her mom a couple months ago and I know from an outsider's perspective that that situation just sucks. Also, you are not the first person I've heard report site issues (censorship?) here on FS. Hopefully you still have access to the support/ tools you need here. Take care! 

Hey Glen, I see your pictures when I go to your profile. Nice pics by the way. You have a cute dog. 

Thanks, Irish... I have no sign of the photos. My avatar may be in place but for some reason I can't access the photos. It is not like I am in a man's briefs. I need to lose weight again for that! ha, ha. 

Mrs. Tofu, the hardest thing has been my mother nearing death. I went through severe arthritis, a mental breakdown too. This is worse as it is for the rest of my life my mom will be gone. I can't call anymore to talk, to argue, to laugh. I am holding her hand now. It is so hard to let go. I miss her already. Some people are as cold as ice regarding their parents, I am not one of them. And mine were tough, tough parents too.  

I did my calorie intake and it is WAY to high. Glad to see the salad at a nearby restaurant is only 390 calories, I will get it more often. At least I know now I need to really lower my caloric intake as I am NOT fully on Atkins.  

Glenn, I can see it both ways with the parent situation. I think for people with a lot of emotional pain in certain relationships the only way they can really process things and remain functional is to numb themselves to it- to get cold. I know that my mom had strained relationships with her parents. I think her mom wanted to be closer to her and didn't know how to because my mom has been mentally ill most, if not all my life, and my grandma never quite understood that. My mom had one of those sudden personality shifts in her early twenties and estranged her family. Though I often wonder if she wasn't so much crazy as really hurt and calloused. She has major issues with her birth father. I think she tried to connect with him as a young adult, he spurned her pretty badly, and she basically turned around and seemed to reject everyone else in her family out of a sense of betrayal and distrust. As for me, I've had my own issues with my mom, and I can't really say I understand her illness any more than her mom did. I remember when I was a child and a teenager the one thing I wanted is to just. stop. caring. All I knew from my relationship with her was pain, loneliness and disappointment. I wanted to break the bond that held me to her, but I couldn't. Sometimes I thought things would be easier if she were dead because it wouldn't be like she was in between, there, but not there. Things aren't exactly better with her. They never may be. Yet I try to lean on my other relationships to strengthen me so that I can be there for her (and around her for my kids' sake) because I believe the relationship will never really be a healthy one, but she's still my mom. In that sense I understand what you are talking about. One day she will totally gone and I won't even have her like she is now. And the finality of it can be overwhelming. It's hard to fathom. 

Yes, Mrs. Tofu - I am OK with my mom now. She was tough on me and my twin sister. Oh, there is such a mess now. She left 115K in debt. Her house needs to be fixed up but me or my twin sister have to have the work done or pay friends, relatives to help. There are ways my mom could have paid to get rid of some/all of this debt. She should have declared bankruptcy as 50K was credit card debt. The house may be worth near 200K fixed up, but it needs a few more new windows a good cleaning, some landscaping and a new fence and new picture window and that may set us back 10K. Much of the work we can do - but my sisters may not want to do it. I could buy the house myself if it is sold "as is" and then flip it. I would make 50K or more, but I don't want to anger my younger sister who tried to see if she could buy it but her credit is bad. My father is being a complete idiot. I am tired of him as are my sisters. He went to my mom's house (divorced 30 years) and took stuff out, some of it was his I am sure, but he took the keys and locked the place up this morning, my twin sister is there now trying to get in. There were a few more things I wanted. My mom left such a MESS! It could not be any worse, really. I have been eating sweets like whipped cream on diet yogurt. I am off my diet, but I did walk two miles the other day. Rain, rain, rain, so I doubt I will walk today. I am trying to eat less. My weight has been steady 230s but I am 6 foot 2. I need to get to 210 to 220. I hope to do it by summer. I will do more low carb soon. Low-carb bread seems to help. I need to get off diet soda too, I think it retains weight. I am eating low-carb pasta, but maybe should do daily calorie intake too. Half Atkins with too many calories is NOT going to work. There is fighting in my family going on today, a long story... my mom's house and what is in there, etc.  

On a good note I took my mom's cat. It had no home to go to... she is a wonderful little animal, a sweetheart. My dog has resigned to the fact a cat is here. She still is the Queen of the House, the cat is now the Princess. Ha, ha. They are both female. I am single, living with two females. Ha, ha. The dog is named Toto, the cat is Mitzi.