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15 February 2013
Happy Late Valentines day.
I was not on at all yesterday. Work was Crazy busy then I ran to the hospital, came home made dinner then decided to take a hot bath read my book and head to bed early (ok 10:25 really isn't that early but earlier than I have been getting to bed)
We kept Valentines day really low key at my house. I am not into forced affection and elaborite dates. I would rather put on compfy clothes and hang out at home with my husband and the puppies.
This weekend I think we are going to go out to Red Lobster maybe on Saturday.
So Tomorrow my puppies have a photo shoot!!!! They were SO good last time I can not wait to do it again. We have a great photographer here locally who specializes in animals and she did a special $45 sitting fee. We will usually buy the photos after then we can print them or do whatever else we want with them.
(SHH don't tell my husband but I am getting a Turvis Tumbler with the puppies on it for him! I think he will like it!)
I am trying something new. In the morning before I allow myself to EAT anything I am going to drink 1Liter of water. Then before lunch I am going to make myself drink another liter before I will have lunch, and same with dinner. it has to be 1Liter of WATER, Tea, soda, juice, crystal light, etc will NOT count as my water intake.
I have not had anything to actually eat this morning and odddly enough I feel really good. I feel good physically and I also feel good knowing that I don't NEED to have food. I am going to have a bunch of veggies (carrots, celery and cucumbers) and 1/2 of my leftover Chipotle (so 1/4 of the original burrito bowl)for lunch after I finish my 18 more oz of water (this is my second liter of the day) I have been not thinking about what I am eating I just grab for it. If i tell myself NOTHING but water than I can take out part of the thinking thing.
This morning I got back on the Wiifit and was the exact same as last week. Not even an ounce up or down. With the week I had last week I am going to take that as a good thing since I did not work out much and my food choices were not great. I don't think I really went over my calories but there was a few vending machine meals and 2 taco bell meals.
I also did 20 minutes of yoga 5 mins of jogging, and a couple of the little games. all together it showed that I did 36 minutes of activity.
wichitaks's own diet
15 February 2013
lost so far:
still to go:
Diet followed reasonably well
wichitaks's own diet
13 February 2013
I am feeling MUCH better today.
Last night I came home and had probably the best dinner I have had in a LONG time! (super easy too just dumped everyting in the crock pot before I left the house yesterday morning and it was ready for me when I got home!) I watched the Bachelor my husband lit a fire and I sat on the floor infront of the fire and read my book! I went to bed around 9:30 and fell asleep around 10:30 and I actually slept. I don't even know what time my husband came to bed and I slept until 15 minutes before my alarm went off! I SLEPT ALL NIGHT LONG WOOHOO Oh the little things that make me happy.
I feel so much more energized and like my brain has started to clear out. I can focus on work! As much as I hated not being with Grandma last night I realy did need that time for my brain.
I hope you all have a great day today!
Grandma is doing better today! They moved her out of ICU and into the Cancer center of the hospital. Her Doc is not here locally, but he has other doctors that he works with and they are going to be able to get everything started down here for her and get more tests run. I think she is exactly where she needs to be at the moment!
wichitaks's own diet
12 February 2013
WARNING Emotional rollercoaster ahead.
So sunday was pretty much all day at the hospital with grandma, Yesterday she was doing better, this morning she is doing the same as yesterday health wise, BUT she is getting really confused. they are doing a CT scan this morning to make sure nothing else is going on....
This morning I had a deep conversation with her. (when I saw her she was not confused) She said on Sunday she was pretty sure she was not going to make it. She said she was just pretty sure that she would not live and at first she was scared but then she was ok with that. She has lived more than 80 years and she has had a rough ride the last few years. I think this conversation was much harder on me than it was on her. I am 26, she gave me my love of quilting, she taught me the basics, but I have SO much more to learn from her. I am not ready to lose her. I know that makes me sound so crazy selfish and maybe I am. She said she would be ok with dying.
She was diagnosed with Breast cancer and she beat it!
Then she was diagnosed with colon cancer and once again my stubborn grandma beat it,
She was supposed to start chemo again yesterday for her most recent diagnosis of lung cancer.
She broke her wrist trying to hang the drying on the line,
she broke her ankle trying to reposition a rug in the living room,
she is having significant balance issues and has fallen MULTIPLE times in the last few months and they are trying to figure out why. She said she does not get dizzy she just falls.
I have to be honest with myself, my time is very limited with her. In my mind though she was a stubborn old broad (term of endearment in my family) and she was not going to let cancer beat her so that just meant it was a hurtle but not the end of her race. I thought about her dying in passing but I never really thought about her actually leaving this earth. She is too stubborn and strong willed to die. BUT now that she is ok with dying and she is not fighting as much is she going to give up? She has been fighting for a lot of years with a lot of things.
In all of this I am surprised at how quickly my brain is telling me to revert back to old habits. When I am agitated, irritated, frustrated, happy, sad, overwhelmed, etc I bake because baking makes everything better RIGHT???? When I got home late last night I almost started to bake a cake. I was going to take it up to the hospital, I was going to make Grandmas carrot cake and she was going to love it. All of these thoughts ran through my head then I realized. #1 Cake is messy, Cupcakes would be better so people can just grab one when they NEED it #2 Grandma can’t have solid food, she is on clear liquids and they said she will be until tomorrow then only bland foods . I will wait until Wed to take it up to the hospital when she can eat it. #3 What the hell am I doing, No one NEEDS cake, no one NEEDS cupcakes. #4 Why the hell am I in my bathrobe after my shower with the cake pan and carrots out about to bake when I should be crawling in bed to try to get 4 full hours of sleep before I have to be back at the hospital.
My nature is to comfort and take care of people and for so long the way that was taught to me and the way I comforted someone was baking Cookies, cake, brownies, pie, etc. That is what my mom did for me, that is what my grandma did for her, that is what my grandmas mom did for her. For the last while I did not even think about doing that I was still there in mind enough that when I felt strong emotions I didn’t turn to baking or cooking. I think my brain is on such overload now that thinking about what I was doing just didn’t happen. After standing in my bathrobe in the kitchen and laughing at myself I put the carrots back in the fridge, I put the grater back in the cabinet turned off the light and went to bed.
SO guess what I dreamed about. Yep you guessed it BAKING In my dream I was baking for all of the Doctors and nurses at the hospital. I was shredding so many carrots that they kept falling out of the bowl. I had a mixing bowl so big my arms could not go around it to hold it so I could stir so I had to have my dad come over and hold the bowl for me. I made 30 carrot cakes (60 round pans so I could stack them) Then I decided that was not enough so I made a chocolate cake, lemon cake strawberry cake and angel food cake. When my alarm went off at 5:15 this morning I was still in the middle of my dream and I thought my alarm was the timer on the oven. (keep in mind I have not slept more than 3 or 4 hours in going on a week) I rolled out of bed walked in the kitchen and turned off the timer on the stove BEFORE I realized that it was my alarm not the stove.
I started getting ready this morning and pulled out my breakfast and lunch to take with me, got dressed did hair and makeup put on shoes and left the house leaving my breakfast and lunch at the house AGAIN. Today the cafeteria in the hospital had some eggs so I had two egg whites and some pineapple. I am still craving crap food. I want chips and queso, I want Chinese, I want pizza, I want a chili dog, I want everything. I am having to be really careful right now what I allow to be around me. Today is Tuesday so that means the office will be full of treats. I did what I did last week and everytime someone brings it in I put it in the conference room where everyone is at and I am NOT at. So far we have cookies and donuts and I heard panera bagels with Cream cheese is going to be delivered at 10. Since I knew that my brain was NOT here today and I have NO willpower I started dinner in the crock pot before I left so we are having salsa chicken on low carb tortillas tonight and I will also have it for dinner tomorrow might before my pottery class. I am NOT going to see grandma at the hospital tonight and I feel guilty about that but I need an evening to myself. I need to allow my brain to turn off
wichitaks's own diet
11 February 2013
I am an emotional eater. I am REALLY an emotional eater.
WHY do I do this???
SO yesterday my grandma (who lives about an hour and a half away from Wichita) was transported by ambulance to a larger hospital here. She is having some significant internal bleeding and they can not figure out where it is coming from. She has an amazing team of Doctors and WONDERFUL nurses. But even with the wonderful people around here I am frustrated, and emotional, so I eat and I want to eat bad food. Yesterday I had a protein bar for breakfast, a pack of crackers and 1/2 a cheeseburger for lunch at about 11:30. I left the hospital after about 9 hours because I was going nuts and grandma was finally able to sleep a bit so at 4:30 I drove home and got taco bell on my way home. Healthy absolutely NOT but it was so good. I took a little nap then was going to go back up to the hospital but everyone left because she had to be sedated for a test and she was pretty out of it and just sleeping. So instead I went to a friends house and had 2 glasses of wine and girl talk. I love my husband to death but there is something about girl time that is really healing to the soul.
I got home way to late and took a shower. Then made popcorn. Why I made popcorn at 11:30 at night I don't know. I didn't need it. thinking back now I really didn't even want it necessarily but it felt like the thing to do My brain was so fried that I did it without even thinking. I did start thinking about half way through and dumped the rest out but what makes me do that in the first place?
I fell asleep about 2, then woke up about 3:30, then 4:30, then 5:15 at 5:30 I got frustrated got up and went ahead to the hospital to spend time with her before work. I am now at my office and can not concentrate on doing actual work.
Because i sat in the chair next to her holding her hand for so many hours yesterday on top of going a little crazy cleaning my bathroom on saturday my back is killing me. So on top of sleep deprived and emotional I am also hurting. I feel like a hot mess. I can not focus, my brain is on overload without time to decompress. I am really hoping that the Doctors find out something soon.
This morning i left the house without grabbing my boiled eggs. (which are sitting out on the counter so they get thrown away when I get home :( so I stopped by sonic between the hospital and the office and got a Jr breakfast burrito. That is better than a full one but I am hungry again already. I have leftover Chipotle for lunch from Friday that I am going to have. I really want a chili cheese cony from Sonic, Or chinese food lemon chicken with fried rice and an egg roll, Or a Wendys fried chicken sandwich. Really i just want junk food. My logical side is telling me I don't need it but my emotional side is saying it wants comfort food.
I will have the other half of my chipotle and be happy.
I hope you all had a better weekend than I did and I hope the week improves and the doctors find what is going on and are able to fix it.
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