Food lov's Journal

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10 January 2015

Dear readers,

I am a jerk. Can I ask if anyone ever feels affected when seeing other people exercise? Geez...I am one of such. A complete weirdo. Why am I affected? I tried searching on the Internet to see if there is ever such a disease, or mental illness on it. I seriously need answers for these horrid feelings that are consuming me up, like burning flames on flesh. Just imagine how painful that feels. Yes. This is what I feel. Come on! I even cried! Just because I see others exercise. Maybe you are thinking just how pathetic I am now. Writing this out here is very much like an impulse. I never like others to know my problems...especially not my parents as it will worry them. I did raise this issue to them before, but it has been alright for quite some time, and now that this horrid feeling is back, I don't want them to worry again. Let them think that I am "cured". It's better that way. And I know that writing this IS impulsive. Lols. I remember how people say that you should watch what you write online. Like what if your future to-be employer reads this while checking up on you. What a negative impression it will give. Sighs. I guess I am going off topic. Well, I am not just affected by anyone. I am just solely affected by my sister. She is underweight and thin as a stick. Believe me. 37kg and 1.63m tall! And I am like .... you know how heavy I am. Gosh! And I am 1.5m tall. I feel like a balloon beside her. A PIG! yes, a PIG! PLease help me Lord! Dear God, please help me. Please clense me of this sin. As it affects my relationship with her, my sister. And I feel like a monster. A freak. Who cries when you see others exercise? Who!? Even the internet did not say anything like it. Just people who exercise too much. So why am I feeling this way? So anybody out there, if you ever feel this way before, please do tell me, so that I wouldn't feel so alone. And if there is any explanation for this at all, please do tell as well. Thanks a lot!

(4 comments)

16 September 2014

Weigh-in: 114.6 lb

lost so far: 0 lb

still to go: 15.4 lb

Diet followed poorly

add comment gaining 0.3 lb a week

14 August 2014

Distressed. Distressed.Much as I would like to deny it, but the urge to eat is REALLY back to haunt me again...Seriously anxious now... Haiz. The cravings I have usually come to me at night. At around 5pm or so....and that was the time when I felt most helpless. It's like binge eating. Except I don't purge. The food is just in me. And there it lies. In my stomach. And still I ate. Stuffing myself like this. It scares me sometimes. And,oh, how I wish with all my might that the craving would go away. A voice in me tells me to stop. I hears it....but never could respond. It's too soft. Too far away at the back of my mind. And it was not until it became too late. When my stomach felt a little upset, did it manage to break through the glass wall it was trapped within.So loud, it would scream. To tell me to stop. And I did stop then. But. The guilt. It rang within me, an echo from the scream that had asked me to stop. Sighs... Can't help to write this way.It makes it feel less real. Like I am telling a story. How I wish it was so. I chose to write it here because I really don't know where else I could write to. Feel so alone now. It hurts.

(2 comments)

10 June 2014

Horrible. That's all I have to say...I am not sure how I am supposed to feel. Although I do know that we are not to berate ourselves and say: "Oh, it's ok. Today is a failure, but as long as you strive to do better next time, it is ok." Hmm...so that should be it. I shall try doing better next time. May God be by my side.

Lots of love,
Food lov

Weigh-in: 110.2 lb

lost so far: 0 lb

still to go: 11.0 lb

Diet followed reasonably well

(1 comment) gaining 0.1 lb a week

12 July 2013

Dear Journal,

How can you resist eating fatty food when you are eating out with your friends? I really don't know...but I ate SO MUCH >< Went to Saizeriya and ate the following. You can never imagine how much I have eaten. Maybe I will gain a kg or two tommorrow, and it hurts!

1)Garlic Focaccia...Nice
2)Curry Baked Rice. Ate a portion of my friend's. She said it tasted awesome, and insisted we must try some. And, yes...it was wonderful...But still I bleed.
3)Pineapple and Bacon pizza
4)Margherita pizza.Cheesy!!! Love the mozeralla...sigh...fatty and oily
5)Genovese Spaghetti
I am already dying...

6)Carbonara Spaghetti
7) Cheese chicken
Officially weighed down with fats...

Well, what do you say? OH Geez... What should I do now!?

(1 comment)

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