ctlss's Journal, 25 July 2011

Oh Stef. I hope keeping busy like that helps a little bit. We just lost DH's grandma yesterday. And for some reason his aunt has set the funeral for Wednesday. It is a 10 hour drive for us, and we have to be home to work on Friday. Hard enough losing her if we didn't have to add this trip to the mix. 

When my mother-in-law, who I was very close with, passed away I'd have dreams that we'd be out doing things and laughing and happy, then I'd turn around and when I turned back to her she was gone. I'd have those days where I'd wake up crying and just feeling the loss. It's so hard and I just try to make everyday of my life count more because somewhere I tell myself she can see me and if I were depressed or taking too much time out to cry she'd be tell it's okay and be strong because my life is still moving forward. It sounds like you are taking things in stride and keeping busy. Good luck with the pool!! 

Stef, thank you for continuing to share your memories and dreams of your pop. If talking about it helps you, by all means do so. You're being busy again with your multiple chores I see. There are so many things to take care of in keeping a home up. I love you, Stef and I'm sending BIG HUGS directly to you! 

Its heartbreaking so see you so sad. Hearing your dad's voice is a double edged sword right now. He wouldn't want you to hurt so bad but it is what it is, right? Perhaps he is singing in your ear to let you know he is still with you right now. I am sure this will fade in time as your dad's spirit finds his way home and he disconnects from his earthly family. Hang in there dear, hope that keeping busy is helping. big hugs.  

Stef, it's wonderful you have such great memories of your father. I think these dreams are his way of reaching out to you and letting you know that he is well and at peace. How is your mom handling everything? Sending you and yours my best. Many prayers - much love. 

The only way to get through the grief is to let yourself feel it, I think. Which you are doing. It's going to take awhile Stef, and that's totally fine. 

Please don't let your papa's voice be anything but a GIFT to you!!! The tears are normal, the grief is normal, what a gift you have had your whole life to have such a tight relationship to your father!! That relationship does not end just because he is no longer here on this earth physically. It goes on and on and on!!! He lives within you, he is a part of Stef. Z'sMama is absolutely dead on. I wish I could reach out and actually hug you right now ... feel it Stef ... my heart is with you!! 

I am just reading about your dad. I am so sorry. I completely agree with Moose and Z's, I think the more you resist grief and push it down the harder it is to deal with it and you end up struggling more. Just my theory...In any case, I am sorry you lost your dad. Hugs.  

Stef, I am on the gift side... The fact that he is there with you and singing is something to be happy about. I believe that this is his way of telling you it is OK. He is happy and waiting for his family to be with him again. You miss him and have to go through the greif stages but this is his way of telling you that you will come out of this sadness. There is another side to everything... especially life. He is showing you that his new life is a happy one and that you and your family remain in it. I too am sending you hugs and good thoughts.  

When my beloved grandmother passed away, the parish priest talked about her, using a Monarch butterfly as a metaphor many times in his sermon. And, wouldn't you know....for many, many weeks after her death, I saw Monarch butterflies EVERYWHERE when they really weren't all that common typically. Made me think her spirit was still around, checking in on us, to be sure we were all OK. Still sending you prayers, thoughts, and hugs... 

The day we burried my cousin there was a rabbit sitting under a tree, I was the only one that saw it because when I turned to point it out and turned back it was gone. The priest who was out there told me it was my cousins way of saying he was OK and that I should rest assured that everything was going to work out... every time I have gone out to the cemetary (the day we buried my grandfather included) the rabbit sits under the same tree but every time I go to point him out he runs off before anyone else can see him.. I like to think that its his way of saying "hey shortie I'm good no worries." I am a firm believer in things like that so perhaps your dreams make you sad now but they are your dad's way of saying.. "hey hun... I am happy, and great and I want you to be happy and great too."  

Hang in there Stef...ya'know it doesn't matter how old someone is or how old their parents are when they lose them, its still hard. My 4y.o. asked me to promise her that I would never leave her, I did, but part of me hated making that promise b/c I know someday I'll have to break it. Hang in there...I don't think the hurt ever goes away, you just learn how to not feel it so much every day. **HUGS** 

Stef I thank you for sharing the memories of your dad with us, it honors him and helps you through the grieving process. As for the dreams, I lost my mom in 1988 and I still dream about her, and I still remember what her laugh sounded like. Hold on to those wonderful memories, and please take care of yourself. Big hugs to you! 

Hi Stef. I'm sorry this memory makes you cry. I have a feeling in time this dream will wake you up with a smile on your face. Hard for you to believe that at this point, but it's my guess. My dad used to call my mom from work every night between 8:45 and 8:50 to catch her before "her shows". As strange as it may sound, my phone has rang once every single night at 8:45 since he passed away. We have caller ID, of course, but it's as if no one calls. No number shows and I've yet to be able to pick it up during the ring. It used to make me sad, then freaked out, now I find it extremely comforting. I hope one day the dream of your dad singing Amanda gives you that same comfort. God bless you, Stef. 

Touched by an angel...xoxox TOWANDA!!! 

HI Stef, things will get better..I know you have heard this alot. And right now you don't think you will ever get over the loss of your father...and I am not going to say you will..we all have our own way of dealing with this kind of personal loss..But it will get easier as time passes..your are in my thoughts and prayers... I truely believe that your father is telling you its ok as he doing just fine....Love you from the bottom of my heart.......Bren 

I just wanted to express my symapthies to you on the loss of your Father. I know words can't make anything better so I'll just pray for comfort in your heart. Blessings to you, Sherill 

I am sorry that I was not able to answer all these wonderful comments, but know that I read and treasure each and everyone of them and treasure those who wrote them even more. Thank you all so much for being such exemplary human beings. I am so blessed to be able to call you friends. Hugs!