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It's 5:00 in the morning and I have already done my 60 minutes on my stationary bike. Decided today to put back up my full length mirror. I placed in a closet last year after I went from 160 to 187 lbs. I have been reflecting back on my weight issues over my life this morning. I decided this morning to face myself every morning and look at the body that I have created and choose to reach my goal once and for all. If you have ever taken a shower and then looked at yourself in full length mirror in your birthday suit. It's a totally humbling experience.
I was 98 lbs all through high school then I was picked at every single day by my class mates for being skinny. If I was in high school now I would be one of the cool kids for being so skinny. I remember taking money from my part time job and buying protein powders anything to help me bulk up in weight. My mother told me then "You will gain weight once your metabolism slows down". I went up to 115 lbs when I started working for a company in the hospitality procurement business. Reason the ladies in the office thought I was too skinny and introduced me to Charlie Chip Cookies and afternoon frozen Smoothies all delivered to our office. I know no one made me eat this stuff. I admit I consumed out of peer pressure and wanting to fit in with my co-workers who consumed a lot of food as my memory recalls.
My weight issues continued after getting married and having a husband who sabotaged every workout session or attempt to loose weight by bringing home large amounts of junk food. I did fight the temptation to consume a lot of the junk food but as the marriage progressed I became loss as I was being told that I had to fit into my new family. A group of people who never ate any kind of vegetables or fruits a strict diet of fats. I woke up from that nightmare six months after my son was born and I found myself wearing size 18 clothing and sitting on a beach in Maui in a bathing suit. I assure you this was no fun for me and I vowed to loose the weight and get back down to a 7/8 dress size again. I even started working out in the gym at the hotel in Maui. Needless to say the more weight I lost the worst my marriage became. I believe in marriage vow and stayed until my then sixteen year old step daughter tried to kill me with a butcher knife from my cutting block. My then husband was home to stop her as she attempted to stab me in my back one night. Needless to say I left that night and never went back.
I found myself back at my childhood home with my mother and twin brother and two year old son. My mother told me "You have a home here as long as I am living". I was grateful to have a home to go where I was loved. This was a short lived dreamed. I went through a nasty divorce and the only thing I wanted was my son gave up everything just to get my name back and my son.
My nightmare began with my Twin brother who has never been married and had lived at my mother home all of his life started calling me a "FAT COW". I over heard him talking to my mother and she never knew I was in the house as they talked about me like I was nothing. My mother was diagnosed with Diabetes when I was ten, so this put me on the path to learning about healthy eating and exercise. I tried to cook healthy meals but was told that it was her house and she didn't want me using her kitchen to cook crap. My brothers influence over my mother was awful and he brought her Burger King food behind my back. I was pumping money into the up keep of the house and trying to raise my son on my own and helping take care of my mother as her health started to deteriorate. She was right I had a home until she died in 2006. My estranged father started to come back into the picture but that was a short experience as he died in February of 2008 brain aneurysm. While I was fighting off his creditors, his mistress, and trying to keep the Bank from taking the house after my father took out a loan without my knowledge on a forty year old house which had no previous mortgage to pay off. (Found out after his death money he used to pay off mistress five years worth of back taxes on her home and her monthly car payment.) I then became very ill in June of 2008, with a septic infection that according to the doctors that if I did not make it to the hospital when I did I would have died within three days. My ex-husband who had now been remarried, decided he didn't want to pay me child support any longer took me back to court to get my son as I was now in a wheelchair and trying to recover. I was only working 20 hours a week at my job and the disability insurance I was smart enough to acquire years ago kicked in. I fought back and with all I had, regained my strength, got out of that wheelchair, moved into my first ever apartment and was walking with a walker by the time we made it before a judge to determine parental custody of my son. Even though I had co-workers that wanted to testify on my behalf and teachers at my sons school. The deck was stacked against me when my ex-husband and my brother testified against me. The judge had her reservations about all the allegations brought against me because my son was now ten years old and my ex-husband had no issues with me from birth till the age of ten, but because I was now living alone and had now been diagnosed with severe arthritis in both knees as a result of the septic infection. It would be best for my son to be with my ex-husband and his new family.
They say life is stranger than fiction and as you can read, my life is worthy of a soap opera. This would explain my spiraling in to obesity as I was diagnosed earlier this year. I am proud to say even though I have arthritis in both my knees with no pain, refuse to take any medication at all. I can walk two miles on the walking path, continue to work forty hours a week, have the back up use of a cane because sometimes my right knee gives out. I continue to work out 60 minutes a day on stationary bike always pushing myself to do even more, took Tai Chi for six months last year which really helped to keep my muscles loose. My doctor has faith in me to overcome my weight issues as he has seen me overcome all of the above issues in my life.
I wrote this today not to have anyone feel sorry for me, but to encourage each and every person who reads this to fight and overcome your issues however big or small. Life is not easy but we are only here for a short time so we must take care of the bodies GOD has given us while we are here. I have faith, because this is the only thing that has kept me going throughout my ordeals and my daily life. See I believe that everyone has a purpose here and we must live to highest potential and I am not going to give up on being the best I can be. My weight is my current hurtle and with the support of the people here I can jump over that too. So I challenge everyone who reads this to take a long hard look in the mirror today and say "I CAN" and make a change for the rest of your life. I am listening to the songs "Overcomer" and "Roar" every morning as I work out as it helps me.
If this log even though it's long today. Helps anyone to keep up the fight today. Please let me know as I try to encourage as many people as I can to keep going. Namaste.
Diet Calendar Entry for 31 July 2014:
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1314 kcal
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Fat: 51.94g | Prot: 67.69g | Carb: 142.38g.
Breakfast: Western Family 100% Natural Old Fashioned Oatmeal, Musselman's Cinnamon Apple Sauce. Lunch: White Cake with Icing (Home Recipe or Purchased), Kroger Chicken Wing Drummettes, Brown Rice (Long-Grain, Cooked), Kroger Frozen Cauliflower. Dinner: Turnip Greens (No Salt Added, Canned), Sardines in Water. more...
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