MrsTofu's Journal, 15 April 2014

Theoretically I am not far from end goal. My next milestone goal is a pound and a half away. Once I hit that presumably I'll be down to the last 10lbs, though I may need to get a more serious/ formal workout routine in place and due some cut and bulk phases to get my BF% down to the target of 17. We'll see. I haven't exactly been doing anything intense so far. I may just opt to do the slow, gradual adjustment instead of changing my activity level a lot; that seems to work well enough for me. (Not to mention baby girl is nearing 15lb so I am getting some informal weight training; I can almost curl with proper form using the infant car seat--with infant equipped :P -- as a kettleball/ free weight. :) )

In other news I feel like emotionally I've been more of a basket case. :-/ It's becoming more apparent to me how anger is a big snare for me. I am trying to deal with it appropriately/ Biblically, which is proving quite challenging. Not only is the practical aspect difficult, but the paradigm shift as well is awkward. It's allowed me to see that historically I used anger as a way to diffuse/ deflect fear and/or sadness. Anger gave me a distraction from the pain. Maybe I kept hoping that the distraction would last long enough for the circumstances to change so that the underlying triggers for the pain I was experiencing (mostly emotional) would disappear/ stop hurting. In any case that never really happened, but I used the anger as a crutch because that wretched feeling of fury was preferable to the misery of abject sadness and powerlessness/helplessness.

I had the opportunity to talk to a wise counselor who gave me a lot to think about. Listening to him wasn't easy. Sometimes I rather wish he had been more of a jerk, it would've been easier to dismiss his message that way. However, he was kind and firm and helped highlight habits that gave me your basic, "Oh crap!" reaction. (The same kind of sobering, matter of fact warning that other people experience in the doctor's office when the doctor tells them that if they don't change, they're going to die sooner rather than later, and probably from an agonizing death due to prolonged illness caused by reckless habits like smoking, gluttony and or alcoholism.)

In light of that conversation I find myself allowing myself to be in that distressful feeling situation instead of attempting to escape it. I find myself experiencing the emotional pain without shifting as much to anger or trying to self soothe/ self medicate with social media or food, and it sucks...a LOT, but I can see that as much as it sucks, it's better this way. G-d has been faithful. He is sustaining me thus far.

Tonight is the second night of Pesach/ Passover. My mind is kind of muddled right now thanks to the mental fog I've been in, so I don't know if my memory is correct and that this is part of the seder like the Four questions, but there's a verse/ prayer that I remember hearing in times past that is particularly relevant to me right now:

Baruch atta Adonai eloheynu melech ha olam, shecheheyenu, vehigiyenu, vequiyamaynu laz man hazeh.

("Blessed are You, O L-rd our G-d, King of the Universe, who has sustained us, preserved us and allowed us to reach this season." I am not sure that I remembered the words correctly, and the spelling is completely guessed. Generally the Hebrew I've learned is transliterated with Ashkenazi/ European Jewish spelling, but I also have a Haggadah- Passover Seder celebration book- that uses Sephardic/ Israeli and other middle eastern spelling, which is quite different, so it all gets mixed up in my mind. My Hebrew comprehension is also really basic, so if I know the passage, but not what the meaning is verbatim- as is the case here, it's harder to remember it all.)

G-d is preserving me in this season.

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As hard as it is to begin to change. It is such a blessing to fine tuned by God for a His purpose. I struggle with anger occasionally but noticed the other day that I am improving slowly. But on a funny note He has been teaching me to have so much more patience with my youngest who is so strong willed that I worry what I am possibly going to need it all for. Lol! 
15 Apr 14 by member: iamachristianjesusfreak
Great you are so close to your goal! Iamachristianjesusfreak I also occasionally struggle with patience my 3yr old is also extremely strong willed and I find it difficult. I tell myself every night and morning to be patient and do my best again the next day! What works well for us is to choose your battles wisely and let her get her own way for things that aren't that important like brushing her teeth in the living room instead of on her step in the bathroom!:-) but I don't need to tell you this you have as good as 6 kids;-) 
15 Apr 14 by member: njashka8

     
 

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