FullaBella's Journal, 01 April 2014

Tuesday - April 1st - and I know this may read like a prank but I was thinking this actually sounds fun - http://www.gladiatorrocknrun.com/where.html - until I looked at some of the photo’s.

I think I could crawl thru the mud but that stump walk ~ whew! I’ve been searching for something to do on Mother’s Day weekend with Blondie and that sounded very ‘bonding’ as well as there are a heck of a lot of nice hotels in Dallas according to the websites. Would make for a fair weekend trip. Maybe I just need more coffee.

Mani/pedi yesterday after closing - my hands and feet were a mess after the gardening this weekend. That’s ok. But as I sat there trying to drown out the noise and just meditate I found myself caught on the hamster wheel of thought following the conversation with the NBB and trying to wrap my head around all of this ‘healthy living’ and sanely reaching a point where I love myself at any weight.

NB (for short, LOL) has been very impressed with what I’ve done (weight loss, he knows of my eating disorders to which I’ve not succumbed this time around, was truly impressed to see the bike, etc) and is very encouraging about ‘going at my own pace and what feels comfortable’. He reminded me ‘you never reach your goals because each time you do better you set more goals.’

By the way - NB has not been MY guide, nutritionist or coach - he's just a person I know and shares ideas now and then when *I* ask. He encourages me to lift weights; I've told him of my 'case of water bottle' lifting and he chuckles 'it's a start...'

The thing that had my marbles going in circles was how he panics when he loses weight (like when he was sick for two days) because he feels it’s water, muscle, etc as his fat percentage is so low. He shared how he was 119lbs when he started being a body builder (and shows me the photo of him looking ‘okay’ but a little ‘soft’) and now he’s 185 to 190 and yeah, that guy is ‘ripped’.

No, I’m not heading in that direction. I am quite happy my body is still here with me letting me stand, walk, lift plants, dig with a shovel and pedal my bike. That’s more than I could have done with it two years ago.

Getting to the headline I’ve obviously buried: the conversation that had me nodding as I ran these topics thru MY head included the one about ‘converting fat to muscle’ and how we let the scale get in our way.

I kept revisiting the fact that so many people have commented to me ‘you’ve lost a lot of weight since last summer’ and the reality is I’ve gained 5lbs although I'm wearing a size down. I’ve had some lows going into the fall (my weight history shows me recording 171) and then I hit this 180 up and down 3-5lbs for over two months and decided ‘what the heck, record it and move on.’ Maybe that’s it. That HAS to be it or my clothes would be tight.

So *I* … trying to STOP the insanity by doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result… *I* have to stop thinking about that scale. I have to. I am so grateful my body has stuck with me thru so much abuse with weight loss, I don’t think I want to push it with a fifth attempt.

The food recording and measuring - it put me back on that stupid track of ‘well if my RDI is ‘x’ I’ll drop down below that and lose weight. Also, I’ve been ignoring TRUE hunger a lot lately thinking ‘do that, it’ll be good for you, take off that next 10lbs.

But then I’d be hungry so I’m following the EWYL that reminds us to eat when hungry and do other things when we want to eat when not hungry and I have cluster-mushed my thoughts into a complete mess. I’d let myself ‘go hungry’ and just drink coffee or water instead of eating. IF’g to shave off the calories. AND I think, for me, right now, it’s lowered my metabolism and will only get worse. Time to mop that up and rethink this process.

But back to that age old question by others ‘OMG, you’ve lost a ton of weight, how much have you lost?’ - the one I avoid by saying things like ‘Thank you for Noticing - Not nearly as Much as I’ve gained’ because I refuse to be a carnival side show for free… well, that’s how we get stuck on that DARNED number. That DARN scale. That DARN measurement by which, despite how many times I’ve said ‘I’m more than a number on the scale’ and ‘I refuse to let a piece of plastic determine my mood for the day’ … I still do it. AND it's INSANE.

And it needs to STOP. Do you hear me, Bella? It needs to S-T-O-P or you’ll be right back where you’ve been your ENTIRE weight losing life … resorting to little tricks to move than needle south because you’re hung up on the number.

NB reminds me I’ve converted FAT to MUSCLE. That’s the ONLY explanation for the gain on the scale while my clothes still fit. So I wonder if answering the HowMuch question would shut the asker down by replying, “It’s tough to calculate… I think I’ve probably lost about 150lbs of fat but gained about 45lbs of muscle so in the end when you carry the three and divide by the number of bottles of water I drink a day …” do you think by then they’d stop listening?

More important, will *I* continue to listen? Continue to remind myself it’s NOT the number on the scale. It’s the over all moving and lifting and being able to stand and walk and even at 5am consider doing a Gladiator event for Mother’s Day instead of a big dinner out?

ME? Running, racing and jumping in mud at my 50something age in life? Me? The gal who doesn’t mind getting her nails dirty working with ‘flowers’ as long as a manicurist is on standby? Me? The gal who sprained her ankle wearing high heels? Me?

Why not me? Do I care if I get disqualified for walking AROUND that 8’ wall? The preparation for the event includes a ‘gut check’ listing the following: look in the mirror, take a stiff breath of courage, chastise yourself for taking life too seriously, promise yourself you’ll be gladiator tough and do better today than you did yesterday and dream as if you’ll live forever, live as if you’ll die today.

I may not do it. I’m also considering a hot air balloon ride too - another bucket list item. But the sheer fact that I did not respond with ‘Pfffft’ this morning reading about the Gladiator thing indicates that little changes are continuing to occur within me.

A change for the better. Or maybe I’ve gone insane. Time will tell.

Bella

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2269 kcal

Fat: 138.16g | Prot: 99.80g | Carb: 173.97g.   Breakfast: Spinach, Mushrooms, Olive Oil, Schwan's Stir Fry Vegetable Blend with Sauce, Schwan's Alaskan Salmon, Coffee-Mate Sugar Free Caramel Macchiato Coffee Creamer, Spectrum Organic Virgin Coconut Oil, Milk (2% Lowfat with Added Vitamin A). Lunch: Potato Chips, Reuben Sandwich with Spread (Corned Beef Sandwich with Sauerkraut and Cheese). Dinner: Schwan's Marinated Salmon with Grill Flavor, Schwan's Mediterranean Vegetable Blend, Mushrooms, Baby Spinach. Snacks/Other: Butter (Salted), Deutsche Kuche Sunflower Seed Bread, Dairy Fresh 4% Cottage Cheese Large Curd, Dannon All Natural Yogurt - Plain, Bob's Red Mill Chia Seed, Schwan's Whole Strawberries. more...

1852 kcal

Activities & Exercise: Sleeping - 24 hours. more...