FitOKay's Journal, 20 March 2014

It's 1am here and I *should* be asleep. Insomnia is something I've dealt with my whole life so this is pretty normal for me. I thought I'd journal a bit instead. Now I don't really like complaining. I am not a 'the glass is half empty' person. In fact I'm not even a 'the glass is half full' person. I'm more of a 'the glass is half full, now how do I fill it up?' Sort of person. I have literally had people dislike me for being 'too peppy'. Granted that was befor the lung crisis, lack of oxygen tends to take the peppiness right out of you. But it doesn't take away your innate personality. My husband, a happy and as content of a self admited pessimist you will ever find- spent the years of the lung crisis (as we ended up half jokingly calling it somewhere along the line) certain he was going to wake one day without a wife. Every ER visit was him and the doctors wanting to admit me and me saying I'm the same as I've been, just give me prednisone and send me home- I'll be as fine as I can be. I spent the years bummed I couldn't breathe and waiting for it to get figured out. My husband says he still checks my breathing in the middle of the night and when he wakes in the morning... even though I've been mostly better for over a year now.

I've never really been too upset about the way things are. I had abusive parents (who have both gotten help and are much better people today and wonderful grandparents). Ok, I grew up to be a loving mom, with a good husband and father for my kids. Who not only went with me through relationship and parenting training when we got pregnant the first time, but got certified with me to teach the same and other similar training to at risk families and try to stop the cycle of abuse befor it
starts by giving them healthy relationship skills.

I have asthma, ok. I ran and did volleyball anyways.

I have so-so kidneys, ok. I learned to drink a lot of water and watch for low blood sugar symptoms.

I have thoracic degenerative disc disease since I was a teenager, ok. Volleyball was out but I could still run. Holding my babies the normal way was out but a front carry mai tie or ergo worked instead.

My organs hate pregnancy/pcos/uterin cancer. My doctors have told me no more babies because of my body not dealing well. Even if that wasn't why my gyno wants me to get a hysterectomy (which I've put off almost 4 years now- I'm only 29!) because I have pcos on top of precancerous tumors removed at 19/20 and my maternal grandmother, aunt and cousin died of the same cancer. OK. My now husband was with me every step of the way dealing with the tumors, including the surgery removing them. We got to birth two babies, that's 2 more then doctors were telling us to expect when we got engaged. We are going to adopt the rest of our family (we both come from large families, 2 is not enough).

My lungs went to crud, ok. So the teaching stopped, which I regret but know I couldn't have continued effectively (I am starting to feelers back out towards that area again). I still took care of my boys, I survived, and I've gotten better. I'm not where I was 5 years ago, but I'm so much better then 2 years ago.

My oldest child has both health concerns (like lungs collapsing not breathing from infant out), motor delays and autism. Ok, we work with the doctors on the health. We work with pschologist on the Autism. We work with him on the motor. When public school was an obvious horrible fit for my adding, subtracting, multiplying, dividing, reading text books 5 year old with no peer connection, sensory issues who was the size of a 3 year old because his body stopped creating growth hormone... ok we home school.

When his brother was born with kidneys and liver not functioning correctly, smelling like maple syrup with initial lab coming back as msud, we held our breath and waiting. And were grateful when it turned out to be that the kidneys and liver weren't developed correctly. Still not great but not a death sentance. When my developmentally normal (no signs of aurism) toddler started up with symptoms of the same growth disorder at 1.5 years old, we dealt with it the same way. When they discovered a possibly cancerous abnormality on his pituitary gland... we reasoned that with identical symptoms to his older brother who has no such abnormality, it is likely just a cyst and we're waiting it out to see wgat happens befor borrowing trouble.

I feel like I am a pretty roll with the punches sort of gal. I'm grateful that I'm not prone towards depression (which I have heartbreakingly watched friends and family deal with). I don't have an addictive personality- drugs, alcohol, even food as a crutch has never been an issue (never gained weight outside of pregnancy). I am grateful that I don't give up easily and generally am looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. I am also grateful that, despite my upbringing, I wholeheartedly believe in God and am passing that joyful belief on to my children.

I'm not really sure what my point is in writting this. I think I am just reminding myself a bit. I was writing on the family blog tonight about an endocrinologist appointment the boys had Tuesday trying to explain to our family and friends our options with the youngest and for a second it just seemed overwhelming. I needed to remind myself of what we have come through befor to remember we'd deal with this also.

Certainly this post is much too long for anyone else on the site to actually rwad =) I think this one was just for me, anyways.

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1529 kcal

Fat: 76.25g | Prot: 66.46g | Carb: 148.34g.   Breakfast: Cheese Sweet Rolls. Lunch: Light Mayonnaise, Sweet Relish, Yellow Mustard, Chunk Light Tuna in Water (Can), Cheese Sweet Rolls. Dinner: Yukon Gold Potatoes, Cooked Asparagus (from Fresh), Chicken Thigh, Ranch Dressing, Mushrooms, Baby Carrots, Celery, Lettuce. Snacks/Other: Classic Malt Mix, 2% Fat Milk, Cheese Sweet Rolls. more...

1868 kcal

Activities & Exercise: Bicycling (leisurely) - <10/mph - 40 minutes, Resting - 15 hours and 20 minutes, Sleeping - 8 hours. more...