FullaBella's Journal, 26 July 2013

Today's epiphany: I finally figured out WHY I try to lose weight over and over. Well, I'm on my fifth over in life now but got tired of typing 'over'.

You know that question you've no doubt seen posted and asked at least twice a month.

It struck me today I try to lose weight because: I don't want to be the elephant in the room - the topic everyone is thinking about but won't discuss when I'm there.

Now, notice I didn't say 'because I want to be loved, liked, desired, lusted after, look good naked, be healthier, live longer, wear cute clothes, shop normal stores, fit in an airplane seat, move easier, feel better, serve as an example or be admired.'

I'm being as blatant as I can be on the answer for a reason. My realization, in the spirit of the worn cliche of 'it is what it is' well, it was what it was. Nothing more.

Okay, so some of those things do come with it. They are like little magnetic symptoms or side effects that cannot help but accompany weight loss. And that's when I sat up in my recliner and said 'wow' out loud. Something had struck a chord deep within me. Neither politically correct or socially admirable, it was touching a nerve.

It's because I don't want to be 'the elephant in the room' - the topic everyone is thinking but won't talk about when I'm there - obesity.

And that's just downright wrong especially in these times when something like 80% of our population is considered overweight. And yes, it exists on all levels akin to the two runway models calling the third a 'cow' because she tipped the scales at 105lb instead of 104lb.

But even though the percentage of overweight vs healthy weight seemed to tip toward the former, it seems the heavier we all grew, so grew the public disdain. Fighting fat became fighting fat people. Perhaps it was transference of self esteem. Perhaps as more people joined the ranks of the overweight and their own discomfort with their selves increased, so increased 'obesity shaming'.

And battling being the obese person trying to fit into this very screwed up thinking world I'd take a most militant position of 'hey, I'm a good person, I pay my taxes, don't do drugs, don't drink & drive, never hurt a child, have never been in jail, contribute to charities and say my prayers. So what if I'm not perfect!' But just like the rude sales people in boutiques, that's just not enough. We all know it. It isn't right but it still happens.

I've often commented a skinny crack-whore get's more respect than the average obese woman.

You may not like what you're reading here but you've heard it too. Comments on someone else's weight made by the person who could stand to lose a few pounds themselves.

And because I've 'walked among the thin as one of their own' several times in my life, I've heard the comments made about the obese person in the room - once he or she left the room of course. Comments that would never have been said to me but were definitely likely undeniably said about me when I couldn't hear. Even comments from the naturally thin who'd watched me lose weight still denigrating the overweight person because he or she (hadn't).

Is it right? No.
Is my reasoning healthy? Not by any means.

Someday I will get there. I will grow up and be the me I want to be. I continue to pray my daily affirmations that I love myself every day regardless of what I look like or how much I weigh but I'm just like some others here who wallow in self hatred anytime I see the scale uptick for the day.

I've read so many good answers to the 'why' question and tried to adapt them as my own but it was much like wearing a hand-me-down sweater. It never fit right or felt like my own. I have been digging for an answer for months and today I finally realized why it's been a struggle to answer the question with integrity.

And sometimes, ignorance IS bliss. I'm not sure the answer today made me feel any better. It made me feel kind of shallow. And I'm wondering as I post this journal if I'll leave it because I'm concerned some people who don't know me well but may read my journal may misinterpret that I too am 'obesity bashing'. So if you are one of those and have read this far, I urge you to go back to the beginning of my journals and get to know me before you judge me.

But in the spirit of most healing processes, I know that recognizing the situation is the first step to improving it. I need to work on making peace with my reasoning and continue to try on the other answers offered until a better one fits me.

Here's to the next part of my journey.

Bella


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Comments 
You are NOT obesity bashing, I think you're addressing something many of us are too ashamed to admit about ourselves, or about going along with when others do it. Humans are not the nicest of creatures, sometimes. 
26 Jul 13 by member: CollyMP
What you've written here is NOT bashing in any way. It's TRUTH, plain and simple. More importantly it's YOUR truth, and you're obviously ready to own it. That's a beautiful thing. Brava! 
26 Jul 13 by member: RavenSoul69
Agreed that your journal is not "obesity bashing" in any form. There is nothing wrong with wishing to not be the object of ridicule - who the heck wants that? It is a sad statement on our society that being overweight means we carry these burdens but, then, there's not a lot we can do about it. History has shown us that body size is a status symbol - being fatter used to indicate wealth and a life of ease whereas being thin and/or muscular meant you couldn't afford enough food and did manual labor. Now that obesity is becoming the norm, thin is the new status symbol - being thinner means you can afford healthy food or a gym membership or a personal trainer. Talking about our workout ethic and how hard we push ourselves is the new form of bragging (gosh, even I've done that!). I wonder if some shift will happen in the future where thin will not be "in" any more. We will probably not live to see it. But I wouldn't doubt it could happen.  
26 Jul 13 by member: evelyn64
Devils' advocate here: But you do do drugs! Food is your drug of choice...And, if there's anything I've learnt is that it's not our fault that we do this drug. The food industry goes out of it's way to create flavours that play on your senses so that 'you can't have just one'. They hire firms to create these flavors that are properly called 'Flavorist'. They act on your brain's sensors, in the same way that drugs do. 60 minutes journalist even said so. It's akin to crack, heroin or anything you have as an addictive drug. I mean, really, have you ever binged on carrots, apples? For the last two years I eat almost nothing that is processed, and the binge eating has stopped. I know what triggers it and it's never fruits and vegetables, believe me! There's a difference in the way I eat, in my relation to food,in my brain. I still overeat and this impairs my weight loss (especially the wine..) and sometimes I do eat out of nervousness, stress, but there's a world of difference. So, to all the obese, what I know for sure, is that it's not our fault, we've been set up! So, there is no shame. And to know, it's not our fault, isn't that a huge step in not feeling to bad about ourselves. But awareness is the key.  
26 Jul 13 by member: maunikmtl
And it is our choice about what we do about it. Once we have the knowledge we can no longer keep making excuses, and we need to be accountable about our choices! 
26 Jul 13 by member: Shari22
Thank You FullaBella. But I don't believe Crack Ho's get more respect, Not by the average normal person anyways, maybe by their kind, but not by me. Would you want to get pimped for a couple chocolate chip cookies ? I don't think so. lol 
26 Jul 13 by member: yerdua
I swear, Bella .... your honesty and self analysis is so brilliant at times - it makes me feel good reading it. How many of us that are overweight don't feel this very same thing. Eh? I know what you mean. People treat me differently now than they did when I was average weight. Before, I had their "ear" when I talked; now, I am barely listened to. It's like I have no intelligence any more. I liked that "elephant in the room" phrase. I am going to think about this some more. Big Hugs!! 
27 Jul 13 by member: Mom2Boxers
I'm so glad you DID leave this journal. Thanks, as always, for an authentic and insightful look at a part of myself and my society that I've never seen before in quite this way. You have opened my eyes and I'm grateful. 
27 Jul 13 by member: Sweet Ce
Thank you for this - although it may take me a while to stop thinking about the skinny crack-whore - it that wasn't true it would be funny!  
27 Jul 13 by member: BuffyBear
I love this. Weight loss is so much more than what I ate, did at the gym, number on the scale. If it wasn't such an emotional battle we'd all be thin. Your reasoning to lose weight is the same as mine. At the end of the day I don't want to be the biggest person at family bbqs and holidays, and especially the fat girl in class that can barely squeeze into the desk. 
27 Jul 13 by member: just_chillin76
In real life I'm pretty private and shy and I feel like my weight really puts me out there, where if I were thinner I'd just blend in with the crowd. If that makes sense. 
27 Jul 13 by member: just_chillin76
OK FullaBella, You off the pity-pot today ? This is my opinion on this (after you got all our brains turning) I believe the people that really care about us do not talk about us when we leave the room, and the people that do talk about us when we leave the room are really not worth the time of day. ALSO, whether I'm 135 or 195 (and Ive been both) I always had a screwed up opinion of myself. Yes. people do notice when we lose weight, and compliment us. When I was 135 I was still needed/wanting to lose 5-10lb, I seriously thought there were doorways that I couldn't fit though. We all want to be loved and what better way to get it when we want than an OREO or a Twinkie ? Just my thoughts.  
27 Jul 13 by member: yerdua
maunikmtl: love your comment..How true. just read this article to support your comment. http://mobile.alternet.org/alt...  
27 Jul 13 by member: monicagrumme
I can really relate to your reasons Bella. I am the same way. I don't want to be the object of anyone's conversation on how big I am, and how I got that way. My older sister just revels in the fact I gained all this weight. She was always that way. I used to say when I was a child, "I hope I never get as big as you." I meant it, though as a child, I never took her feelings into it. I also want to lose this weight to be more attractive to my hubby. He will NOT admit that he is repulsed by what I have gained. In a way I'm losing the weight for him, but more selfishly for me, in that I miss the intimacy. The long, deep kisses I used to get. What I affectionately call the middle of the night drive byes...( if you get the drift, I ain't spellin it out)He started blaming the dry spells on pain in his back, or me staying up after he went to bed. Get the picture? I know the why, and am working on getting that 'affection' back. He just won't admit, that the weight gain is the reason, and I won't push him on this. He tells me he loves me no matter what I weigh. That is a partial truth, and I love him too. I am learning to love me right now too. But yea, I don't want to be the subject matter either. With all I have gained, and now losing, I have gained some insight on how comments affect someone. I know that someone overweight may say, aw, don't worry about it, I don't care what anyone says, DOES care, and it DOES hurt. I find myself coming to the defense of total strangers, from overhearing a hurtful remark supposedly behind the persons back. The point is, you are not weight bashing Bella. We all have felt that at one time or other. Some of us just push it aside and bury that feeling, and open up with the profound reasons, instead of the real reasons. The real reasons maybe we should keep to ourselves. As long as WE know it, and can admit it to us, what does it matter if we keep it close and don't share it?? I think being true to yourself is a little more personal, and maybe shared with someone close, not necessarily everyone. That's just my opinion. I opened up and made it public, that was my choice. I just want you to know that you aren't alone in feeling like that.  
27 Jul 13 by member: pumakitten
You guys/gals are all awesome. And Bella I was just trying to make you laugh about the pity pot comment. You seem to have that sense of humor in you. : ) 
27 Jul 13 by member: yerdua
You work so hard on your spiritual/mental growth. Thank you for keeping us on our toes. 
28 Jul 13 by member: Neptunebch
Good on you my dear! I hope you take a moment to realize how valued you are by simply being yourself and allowing others the privilege to come along for the ride!  
29 Jul 13 by member: Josie Ann
@Colly - thank you and you're right. It's incredible the mean things people say and do to each other. Reminds me of that old fable about the nails in the board; you can take out the nails but the holes remain. Maybe that's why I tried to fill them with food? 
29 Jul 13 by member: FullaBella
@Raven - yep, I think that's why I wrote it and appreciated the supporting feedback so I was able to leave it instead of editing. Thank you. 
29 Jul 13 by member: FullaBella
@Evelyn - it's so true, isn't it. I'm just a century too late, LOL, for being considered 'well off'. There definitely IS something weird about how times and opinions changed; even in a few decades. Remember when Monroe and Taylor were considered sexy; nowadays their agents would have them starving and getting surgery. Crazy. 
29 Jul 13 by member: FullaBella

     
 

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