FullaBella's Journal, 22 March 2013

I'm sipping a smoothie of spinach, blueberry, yogurt, apple juice and water. Not 'too' bad. This is the first I've attempted since the 'mowed lawn' smoothie a few weeks ago. I've had a couple with just 'fruit & yogurt' and those of course are pretty darn good; why wouldn't they be? So little by little I'll add the veggies in to get a little healthier balance. I keep forgetting to pick up cauliflower ~ for some reason I think that would give a nice bulky texture with a little less 'lawn taste' than just spinach. I may be adventurous tonight and try adding bell peppers as I picked up some real beauties this morning. I'm also wondering if a little lime juice would pep this up & give it a nice little bite.

The past couple of days I've been reflecting on how to handle my emotions and still eat healthy. Not the 'grow up and stop soothing your inner toddler with cookies' maturity; something else.

It's an insane cycle of thought and I typed it out but in itself as a paragraph it illustrated the worst possible grammer I've churned out yet so let me try to break it down by bullet points hoping they are more forgiving:

*When I am stressed but trying to not emotional eat
*I don't want to eat
*However, this can last for days, weeks even
*Something about the stress, the acid in my stomach, the churning
*Signals 'nope, not hungry'
*While I don't think anything serious will happen if
*I skip a few meals I do believe
*It's not healthy for the rest of me as the body
*Needs nourishment to function and although
*I don't want to be stressed
*The person sharing my life thrives on ranting and raging yet
*I am growing weary of throwing away or reheating
*The same 'dish' repeatedly because
*Whenever the ranting does stop for a while
*I can recognize my hunger and I
*Prepare myself a healthy dish but
*Everytime I try to sit and eat, so begins
*The broken record ranting and while
*I realize while I can't control situations, I know
*I can control how I choose to react however
*To that someone else in my life the fact that
*I'm not choosing to rant & rave means
*I'm not taking all of the situations seriously while *I* am
*Simply choosing to try to work through all of it
*Calmly, doing what I can and
*Letting the rest take care of itself that doesn't seem to be
*Enough

Sooo.... to continue

*I'm trying to tell myself 'ok, eat something anyway' but
*I look at the food and don't want to eat so I tell myself
*Eat anyway, maybe the food will absorb the acid and
*You'll feel better but
*Then I wonder 'if food makes me feel better, will that be
*Repeating the emotional eating cycle?' so
*I take a couple of bites and record
*The whole thing in my food diary trying to
*Trick my toddler 'look, it's already written, you may as well
*Eat it' but my
*Toddler is shaking her head no and my
*Frustrated adult is just wanting to run away

So now...
*I'm sitting here at my desk sipping my smoothing trying to
*Nurture my body with a little fuel and I was doing well until
*Someone else arrived and their visiting has
*The voice from the other room cranking again so
*Another deep cleansing breath and likely
*Very'green toothy smile' from me as I try to
*Shake off the negative vibrations bouncing in my universe and
*Have another sip of spinach

Now, I know I could grab a quick protein bar and hide in the closet to eat quickly then go back and deal with the insanity of my life. I know I have options. This isn't a 'woe Bella' sob story. It's exploration.

The reason I'm reflecting on this and observing the behavior and signs is because I feel as if I'm on the verge of a breakthrough here ~ akin to some of the other's I've had since beginning this journey. I feel this exploration is part of the work I need to do to break yet another weakness in my armor; clear another cobweb.

I can't figure out if it's a 'it doesn't really matter which came first ~ the chicken or the egg ~ you just need to decide which one you want for dinner' or if there may be a real 'aha' moment at the end of all of this.

If you've read this far and are thinking 'Bella, you know why he's raging and ...' yes, I do. I get it. Why he's doing what he's doing has nothing to do with me nor can I control it. I'm trying to ride out the waves without drowning. I got that. The reflection above is because I feel like I'm standing in front of yet another closed door and feel if I can figure out the combination to the lock I'll conquer yet one more barrier between me and sane eating.

Thank you for reading. I need now to go tend to the tornado; I will read your journals later today or this evening. Take care, my friends.
Bella

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1779 kcal

Fat: 80.85g | Prot: 84.82g | Carb: 186.97g.   Breakfast: Steel Cut Oats Quaker, Blueberries Schwan, Fage, Chia Spectrum. Lunch: Chia, Blueberries Schwans, Apple Juice, Fage, Spinach. Dinner: John Morrell Turkey, Coconut Oil Efa, Spinach, Onion, Tomato, Sartori, Bell Pepper. Snacks/Other: Mayo, Colossol Greek Olives, Whole Wheat Bread, Sartori, John Morrell Turkey, Breakfast Ham, Pop Weaver, Wholly guac 100, Fage, Bell Pepper. more...

2006 kcal

Activities & Exercise: Sleeping - 24 hours. more...