Not being the biggest anymore

I am used to being the biggest woman in the room no matter where we go. For years this has been the norm. We'll go out in public & I'll see an obese woman somewhere, & tapes would start playing in my head.

Before I started losing weight, the tapes said stuff like:
"Wow, she looks really big...& I'm even bigger than her...is that how I look? Ugh...what must people think of me when they see me if I look like that..." etc etc

Lately it goes more like this:
"Wow, she looks really big...& I'm even bigger than her...wait, am I? I can't tell anymore...my reflection in the glass door doesn't even look like me...what the hell, I don't even know what I look like now...I know I'm still big though, so do people still look at me & think 'wow, she looks really big'?...how big AM I exactly..." etc etc

I think in general my perception of myself is skewed relative to how others see me anyway, so now it's even more confusing.

Among the other couples we hang out with, I'm the tallest woman & was always the biggest in general. I went shopping with one of the women a few months ago so I knew she was a couple sizes smaller than me. Last night she showed me this cute 2x coat she had bought & I asked to try it on for kicks, just to see how much farther I had to go to catch up to her. It was really cute...& too BIG. And not by a tiny bit, either...I could have gone down to the XL comfortably. I was in shock!

So that's what got me thinking about this. The idea of no longer being the biggest is mind-boggling to me. Of course it's AWESOME, but it's completely new to me. And interesting.

And to confuse things even more, I'm still the biggest in every step aerobics class I attend (but you better believe I can step with the best of them, lol). I'm surrounded by all these conflicting perceptions & it's tripping me out. I don't know how to see myself.

Can anyone relate?

I can definitely relate. Now I notice how big everyone else is everywhere I go. I always felt like the only fat person on earth. I mean, clearly I was not but I felt that way. Now I notice that obesity is the norm. Half the people in any place I go are big. Not just a little big either... A lot are bigger than I ever was. Weird how I didn't notice this when I was big myself. The day I realized I wasn't even chubby anymore, I saw my reflection with two of my thin girlfriends and realized I was the same width as them- and about 5 inches taller

I remember all those times when my friends would tell me that they needed to lose weight I remember thinking "what the heck I have to be 60 no one hundred pounds more than you why are you telling me how fat you are?" But then I realized that they weren't comparing they just felt bad about their own bodies... now I do it to my friends, and I have to remember how it felt when i was on the other side.

@doomgirl, that's a great point...I do hope that my friend's coat being big on me didn't make her feel bad or anything. It's not like I was dancing around singing "nah na-na boo boo!" or anything obnoxious like that, lol. I wasn't even focused on the comparison between me & her at all, it was more amazing to me that a 2x - which I just started fitting into consistently a couple months ago! - was actually BIG on me!

When I think about it I don't think I've vocalized my desire to lose weight around others a whole lot. I think that's mostly because I tend to have the attitude, "Don't talk about it, be about it" with other people. Talk annoys me...if you want to do it, then do it! Interestingly enough, I find that now that I've lost a couple, more people I talk to end up saying something about their own need to lose weight, whether it's the current topic of conversation or not. If anything I tend to minimize my own success because I don't want to be boastful. In general I say something generically supportive, because not only do they say they want to lose, they'll spout off some weird scheme they're going to try to make it happen. I don't bother critiquing it because that rarely makes a difference. Now if someone ASKS me about something, that's another story. OK, I digress.

I sooo very much relate. Getting my head to adjust to my new body is quite an adjustment. I too am used to being by far the biggest, and I'm still plenty big, got quite a ways to go, but I'm still surprised when I see myself sometimes, or am able to "squeeze" through somewhere and realize, I don't have to "squeeze" anymore, I can just walk.....

I can totally relate! In fact I have always been the biggest one by far. Now there are times I don't know if I am the biggest or not...I would love to know what a strangers perception of me is (not like it is really easy to ask someone that...lol)

My friends and family comment on the differences in me, but they also knew me my whole life at 60 lbs heavier! So, if I was at a club, bar, restaurant, ect. with a group of people and others were looking in on us...would I still look like the biggest (I am not sure)

I guess all I can do for now is at least FEEL like I am not the biggest one in the room and for me that is a step in the right direction!

its so funny this topic.. this is what goes on in my head like every day i'm in public!.. i still see a big girl in the mirror... when i see pics of me and my friends.. that's the only time i notice that i'm no longer the biggest, and in some cases the smallest depending on who's with me!... me and one of my really close friends lost about the same amount of weight at the same time.. so we look at pics of ourselves and the difference.. except she's still like 30 lbs less than me..lol.. either way.. i had someone tell me this week,.. "naiomy what are u talking about?? ur not big, ur not even thick?!".. i'm like please.. maybe i'm not AS big, but i'm definitley thick!.. but really? if someone is saying that to me what do i really look like to people? i wish i had that picture in my head too!

OK, I'm really trippin now...I just went to a store looking at coats & saw this woman try on a really cute one that she got off the 2X rack. She looked small to me, nowhere near big enough to need a 2X coat. She put the coat back, & I came across it a little while later & decided to try it on. Not only did it fit, I ended up buying it because I liked it so much!

We walked back past that area on the way out & the woman was still over there, & I pointed her out to my husband, & he smiled & told me, "you ARE that small!"

Happy day.

Oddly enough me and my Girlfriend were talking about this a few days ago about this very topic, in the real world and right here on fat secret. When I first started on here I was very self conscious as I was the biggest person that I knew of on the site. I quickly lost that mentality and learned very fast that other then reactions from a few people it was for the most part a misguided worry to have. I am now no longer the largest person on this site and that to me is crazy because I still at times consider myself to be that 532 pound man from April.

As for real world scenarios, living in Philadelphia, A LOT of people are bigger people. Last week my girl friend saw me walking down the street and thought that I could now pass for any other person in Philly. Last year at this time, well, I stood out! 6'5 532 (at least) will do that! But I am now noticing it myself as well that I am smaller then many people around here and I know a big part of that has to do with my height but still! WOW!

You know what I think that's part of the weirdness...I'm not an "oddity" anymore. Yeah, I'm still overweight, but no more so than anyone else walking around these days. It's strange to still feel conspicuous like people are looking at the fat chick, when in reality no one's paying me any mind because I look normal.

I totally relate, too. I am frequently surprising myself because of the big girl mentality I have. I "squeeze" through tight spots and then realize I didn't need to squeeze at all. I pick up clothes in sizes that turn out to be big -- sometimes by 2 or more sizes. I try on things that I *know* will be too small (clothes, but also jewelry), and then they fit(I put on a watch from a HAPPY MEAL the other day!). I used to wonder when I looked at other larger women -- Is she smaller than me? How much bigger than that am I? Now I do it even more, and I no longer know the answer so readily! I'm always asking my husband-- how big am I in proportion to that woman? Bigger? Smaller? By how much? I'm still searching for an accurate perception.

At the same time, I'm starting to learn that the "fat girl" assumptions I make about myself aren't true anymore. That sweater in the "normal" section of the department store that looks like it might fit me -- it actually might! That clothing item that one of my "skinny" friends has offered to let me borrow/try-on/have? It might actually fit me -- at least, it won't be a humiliating exercise in futility to try it on! It's a long road, changing ourselves -- it's an even longer road changing the way we think about ourselves.

Always having been the thin person, I am also having a perception problem now that I am losing weight. I know that I am smaller, because my clothes are falling off. When I look in the mirror, I still see huge!
I never used to be concerned with how I looked until I got large. Now I can't seem to get that image out of my head.

@ mammasix i have a very similar issue.. i've been over 200 lbs for the majority of my adult life (ok my whole adult life until last year)... and even though i'll put on a medium, or a smaller size.. to me it just seems the clothes are wrong b/c in the mirror i still see the girl wearing a 1x or bigger. does counseling help for that? what in the world can possibly help correct our perception of ourselves? and was this the same perception that didn't let me see that i was really gaining weight? i looked normal to me until i saw myself in pictures... and even now i remember how i felt back then and thought i wasn't THAT bad... weird.

Yes!!! That is exactly what I'm talking about. The woman I saw at the store trying on 2x coats looked way smaller than me. No way was she really a 2x. The only explanation for me buying a jacket she tried on that fit her fine is that some type of magical transformation happened to change the jacket's size.

@Naiomy, it IS the same perception that didn't let us see we were gaining, because before I lost this weight I'd look in the mirror & think I looked cute one day, then get a picture taken & be horrified at how fat I looked in it.

Who knows if that ever goes away. Maybe we'll always have to consciously remind ourselves we're not that size anymore. As I often say, there are worse problems to have.

i was just looking at pics of me for my before and after pic and i am just still in shock that some pictures of me that i thought were really cute and slimming look HUGE.. i'm like dang it why didn't i see what i see now?

Growing up and through college I was always "The skinny one". I was always smaller than all my friends. After college, having a child and having health issues I gained a lot of weight. Still I was smaller than many of my friends. I knew that I was purchasing larger clothing, but I still did not see myself as FAT. One day I stepped out of the shower at my mother's house to see a FAT GIRL staring at me in the mirror. That Was the first time I realized just how heavy I had become. Still it was seeing myself in all our vacation photos that really got me motivated to lose this weight. Pictures that I thought were going to be really good were "starring" a FAT CHIC!

Now I am down almost 36 pounds and I am still being haunted by that FAT CHIC! I try on clothes in a much smaller size. They seem to fit, but I am still not happy with the reflection in the mirror. I still have a lot to go. I am afraid that I have become overly critical of the way I look. Will I be happy with myself when I reach my goal??

@ pug i ask my self that all the time.

I never realized how common this is! I used to be extremely skinny (underweight) as a child, thin as a teen but then I gained a lot of weight. I injurred my knee and in the course of a year went from 130 to 190-200 lbs. At the time I had a "best friend" who was tiny, and as I got heavy she made a point of mentioning it and comparing us. I maintained this weight for about 3-4 years and was generally a size 18. Last year I went on a crash diet of 1000 calories a day and lost about 35 lbs. I have since put some weight back on and am currently 170. The thing I struggle with is that when I look in the mirror I like what I see. I am a size 12 and wear my shape pretty well. I want to lose weight, but I know I look good and am feminine. However when I am with friends at parties or doing whatever I FEEL like the heaviest and least feminine woman there. I am usually moderate weight, not the smallest but certainly not the heaviest and generally dressed more feminine than most of the women, but that's not how I FEEL! I can't seem to accept what I am, I always feel the way my ex "best friend" made me feel. I am never happy with how I look when I am with people, even if I thought I looked good before I left the house. I can't seem to form an accurate perception of myself no matter how hard I try. It is comforting to know I am not alone in this honestly.

I remember reading something somewhere that the image we see in the mirror is filtered through a specific portion of the brain that distorts what we see into the image we have of ourselves. WE cannot see what OTHERS see. A photo is the only way you can really see what you look like. Right now, I HATE photos, LOL! A few months from now, they will me my continuing motivation! That and my jeans!

I remember reading something somewhere that the image we see in the mirror is filtered through a specific portion of the brain that distorts what we see into the image we have of ourselves. WE cannot see what OTHERS see. A photo is the only way you can really see what you look like. Right now, I HATE photos, LOL! A few months from now, they will me my continuing motivation! That and my jeans!