Not technically a diet question - husband troubles

What do you think I should do? My husband feels that our use for each other is over (baby moves out next year to go to college) and that we should move on. "We're not getting any younger and we should find people who really make us happy." We have an on-again, off-again relationship, where he goes cold over insults or disagreements, and then warms back up again after a while. Well, he dropped this on me 4th of July, that was weeks ago, and he has not mentioned anything since, but is not really talking to me, even though he also said he thought he would move out. So, my thought is I ought to say - "Stay or go, just get it over with!" But part of me thinks, if I ignore what he said, things will blow over - although they never have, I always have to apologize for whatever is bothering him.

What do you think? Should I break the stalemate and make him decide? Thank you in advance for any insight! We are 52, married 21 years.

Here's my two cents: Pack his bags! His comment of "no more use for each other" says it all. This is the time of transition and leaving what doesn't work behind us, so we can be free and open to accept the new. "Jump into the void of unknowing" and know that you can meet any challenge that comes your way.

What people say and what they really mean may be completely different things. Be calm and remain flexible, life has different stages.

I would say "Don't let the door hit you in the a$$." There are many nice & cute men out there to choose from.

I say pray about it,seek god for your answers ask for his will to be done in your life and your marriage he knows and he will be there in your time of need.sometimes we have to struggle or go thru somethings to get to gods purpose in our lives i'm in that stage now with my own marriage just trying to stop and seek god before i make my own move,i would like to make the steps he has ordered for me first because i know i can't go wrong with him and believe me it is not an easy task to do what is right all the time. and lol i kind of agree with sumiko too!but i don't know the full situation and i never tell someone to leave there husband/wife unless he/she is abusive in any way verbal and physical. and sometimes we ask for the truth but just can't handle it,he was brutally honest so he gets a point for letting you know and that may be your answer also.

Very helpful answers all!

I say 21 years is a hell of a long time to be with one person, andif you can manage that long you have to have something very special. Life is hard as we all know and to find someone who we "fit" with is very difficult. I would suggest you go to relate counselling and get some support together. Every relationship goes stale from time to time but to give up on it after all those tried and tested years would be a great shame. Maybe after the counselling etc etc if its still the same then consider moving on. But you will need support after 21 years it will be a massive change for both of you. It must be a very worrying time for you. Equally it is mental trture for you not knowing what he will do. Suggest the counselling and if he won't agree then make your ultimatum for your own sanity xxx

I have a friend who is in this exact situation! The more time they take to "ignore" the comments and honesty, the more the relationship becomes nothing more than two acquaintances who happen to live together. Talking about it might help! I wouldn't go in with guns blazing (even though it would be my first instinct!). I think having an adult conversation about why he said those things and if he really meant it might give you the insight you need to make an informed decision. Maybe there is a distance between the two of you that can't be fixed but it's a decision that needs to be made with all the facts. I wish you strength and patience as you figure things out!!

if i had given up 2 years ago when my husband said that he didnt want to be married anymore, i would have lost one of the most precious people in my life...it was a year of counseling, working, lists and charts, discussions that were very hard to have and some that i didnt know if we would survive them...after 21 years i am not inclined to say leave...remember your vows...till death do us part...hope this helps

Plan a time to talk with your husband about your marriage.
You both need to really listen to each other. This should be a time of complete honesty, but not a time to be cruel. Truth can hurt.....but it can also help.
It took 21 years of "stuff" to be ignored or taken for granted to get where you are today. It is never one sided. You are both at fault for not nurturing your marriage.
If your world centered around your "baby" who is going off to college and your husband feels the way he does then priorties were not in order. You each have the ability to change your attitude, etc. It is not easy but it CAN be done.
Your marriage should not be thrown away. Too many people don't seem to realize how sacred a marriage is. You and your husband made a convenant with each other and God when you said "I do". There are only two biblical reasons that allow divorce. Your husbands reason (as you stated)is not one of them. If your husband is abusive then you both need to seek counseling immediatley. If he won't go then you get counseling!
Pray to rediscover each other at this time of transition in your lives! The best may be yet to come!
BTW, I am your age, have been married 26 years, 2 kids, one in college. I speak from experience. God really is good!

My advice: Seek help for yourself, legal and professional. Do not move out of the house yourself. If he won't talk...that is a sign to me. BUT, I may be wrong...I hope I am. Do you think he may already be having an affair? Sounds like he already has some plans in his mind that he's keeping from you. I hope I am wrong about this. Protect yourself right now.

I left my husband after 21 years together. It was the most difficult time of my life. My husband started coming around about 2-3 months after I left but by then it was too late for me. I gave it all I had before I walked out the door. I hope you can find a way to work through this. If he won't get counseling, maybe you should. At least you can say YOU tried.

Wow, such great thoughts! Thank you all - I think the story isn't over til the fat lady sings and there won't be a fat lady in this house pretty soon when my new lifestyle kicks in! I really appreciate all the different directions that people are coming from - lots of good ideas. I am coming up with a plan! Going to the financial advisor tomorrow, got insurance straightened out, looking at getting my home in order too, as many things have gone by the wayside during these stressful times.

I think the main questions is: Do you still love him? and of course: Does he love you? and if you do, then don't give up. Me and my husband have a 10 month old, we moved way too fast before we could become strong and stable with eachother, and we are paying for it now. We have been going to counseling among other things, and if theres one thing I am grateful for, it's detachment. I'm slowly learning that I dont have to FIX everything in our relationship, some things are not meant to be fixed. I have to learn to rely on myself and become my own person again so that I can grow. I understand that he has problems that I cannot fix, so I just leave them to him. By doing this, i've noticed that he has become even more open with me and it also kills a lot of my worries. We made a pact that we won't give up because it gets hard, we will not be a statistic by getting a divorce, thats not what we ever want. And so far, this counseling has worked wonders for us.

Good luck with everything and hang in there!

your situation calls to mind the purpose of marriage- was it really just to raise kids? I have only been married 12 years but i think about this stuff a lot. I was pregnant when i met my husband and regret that we were never a couple before we were a family. in my low self esteem periods I think he only married me to have a family ( being a dad is the most precious thing to him) the flip side of that is that i am looking forward to being a couple ( in 10 years when the baby goes away) I envy my sister in law who is a couple, no kids and she has the freedom to do couple things, she envies me the kids. I quess my point is that everyone goes through life's stages. thinking philospicaly, in the end, you will only have yourself and your moral compass to answer to, take care of yourself.

I was married for 24 years. I was a mom and a maid. In the early years it was pretty good. about 1/3 into it with a son already and no job I felt STUCK. He did what he wanted anytime he wanted. I came after friends, his family and his hobbies. Neither of us ever cheated and he was a good provider. Not mentally or physically. He was emotionally abusive. Wouldnt talk to me and when i mentioned counciling he said that it was my fault if there were problems. He wanted it his way and was only happy when we didnt talk or have to do things together unless it was to make a show in front of his family. "WE" didnt have time for my family. I know he was ok with our marriage because I took care of everything and he could play as he wanted.I was misserable in that marriage. I waited until our son was in college and made my plans. I got my finances and attorney in order and never said a word to ANYONE.I packed things while he was having fun. I finally moved out in less than 4 hours while he was out of state.I served him with papers when he came back. I have never been back to the house. My son had a lot to go through because of this but had gone through his whole life with a father that didnt have time to be a dad. Son is now married and happy finally. I am out of the marriage 4 years now and I have never looked back. I am far from wealthy. he got the 200 acre farm and the house"paid in full" and made over 100,000.00 a year more than me.I lost all of OUR friends. they felt sorry for him. But I sleep at night knowing I am no longer in a marriage that wasnt good. If you arent married to your best friend and enjoy each other, dont think that by waiting it will get better. you just get older and more miserable. I left the way I did because when he came back he threatened my life for months. I was afraid for my life.
What I am saying is if your hubby is truly unhappy and you can't work it out don't hang on forever. It hurts more than you know. Your child is almost grown and you have done right for him. Remember you have your whole life ahead of you, why not be happy. I have in the last couple of years made friends and have met some very nice men. I am not ready to remarry but I know if I do again he will be my best friend and will enjoy being with me............... best of luck to you. sorry if I seemed to have rambled but..... this is your life too not just your hubbys.

I also had to apologize to my ex. If he stubbed his toe it was my fault and I had to apologize for his stubbing his own toe. He used to tell me if something bad happened to him it was my fault. THAT is MENTAL ABUSE..
I dated a guy for a few months after the divorce and one day something happened and he got upset, It was something that didn't go right for him. Not even a big deal and he kind of did that "dam it" thing. To himself, but I was there. I right away apologized to him for it. He looked at me and said "you didn't do anything wrong why would you ever think that you need to apologize for something you didn't do?!" THAT opened my eyes to what I had lived with for all those years. I think of that day often. I don't apologize nearly as much anymore. habits can be hard to break... My question to you is... Do you want to live like this forever?????
If you do leave do not give things up. You are entitled to as much as he is if not more. take it from one who knows.
best of luck in whatever you decide to do.

Sweetie, you are only 52 years old, still young and vibrant by today's standards. In my opinion, you should let him "do his thing" and go, but determine that you are going to aggressively get your health 100% back, lose the weight, and treat yourself to a FABULOUS make-over. I'm not kidding about that last one. My divorce in 2002 was very hard. One of the nice things I did for myself was save $50 a month for six months while I finished a post-graduate program, and then I treated myself to a make-over. At that time, I weight much less than I do now, and I felt terrific after the make-over. The fact that your husband is presently incapable of recognizing what a gift he has in you is NOT your problem. Let him go the way he wants. One day, he will try to weedle himself back into your life and then you must decide if you will let him. I believe in marriage and fighting for them, but you can not control him. Therefor, focus your attention on you for now. It's time you did.

you need to ask yourself if you still love him and want to be with him. if you do tell him that and then see if he would go to marriage counseling with you. many married couples hit rough spots like this and come out of it. however you both must be willing to put in the effort to make it work. but if hes really done with the relationship than you will have to move on and start a new life for yourself.

Counseling. For you and for both of you. Counseling will help you see what it is you need to and come to terms with the solutions no matter what they might be. If he refuses to go you have your answer and can move forward in your own life knowing you did all you could.